I Am Not Ready For Anyone's Opinions Honestly, But I Just Have To Say This: As Someone Who Has An Alcoholic

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

(Source)

I really think that Will is either asexual or gay

You’re destroying everything, and for what? So you can swap spit with some stupid girl?

Oh, look, it’s Henry Winter.

You know, all that shit that your brain makes up every now and then

That you're uncapable of change

That you're just pretending

That you are worthless

That you're wasting time

That in the future you will be so sorry for what you did or didn't do

Trying to shut it doesn't help. You need to face all that crap - slam the door and say:"Bring it on, bitch!"

And then

Take all the skill you have in debating

And destroy the annoying fucker

Not literally though, you kind of need it to live

Marry Poppins Crowley am I right?

A lot of people in the fandom were mad at Sand for not drawing the line right away and sorta slumbering through Boeing's entire slut agenda but folks

As someone who identifies so strongly with Sand as a character I was happy to see Ray step up and claim him so shamelessly, so confidently. Because saviors also need saving sometimes, and this was the reassurance Sand needed. This was Ray proving he was all in and not only for his own sake. Sure Sand should have established boundaries right away but damn it give him a break. It was meh morally but it was okay, it was understandable. He's got issues of his own, he is not there just to serve Ray's arc

Emma Stone must be a witch

Because she'd bewitched me

Pining for my crush who is magical and possibly maybe even not queer, I have now come here to lament. This is not helping

Ideal relationship of a dark academic

Reading books together in front of a fireplace, sipping on hot tea as you lean into each others warmth

Gently holding hands as you walk through the streets, quietly telling eachother about your days

Painfully cheesy pickup lines

Wearing their jacket because they insist it will be warmer than yours, despite just wanting their jacket to smell like you

Wandering around the mall together, playfully arguing over whether you should go to Cinnabon

Going to book stores together and losing track of time

“When we move in together, we should have our own little library”

Beethoven playing gently in the background as you have your first kiss

“I got us tickets to that play you were talking about”

Getting so caught up in the relationship that you forget to tell anyone about it

Going to see old movies

The kind of love where you don’t have to say anything, being in each other’s presence is enough

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does that mean that troubled alcoholics with a lot of money are my type??

let’s be honest, everyone’s favorite ship dynamic is just a character they can project on or relate to, and a character who’s their type