God Damn It, Simeon, I’m A Lawyer. My Fucking Mouth Is The Least Offensive Thing About Me, I Fucking

Fellow old people will recognize the demon brothers as the sexy counterparts to Elaine Benes.

I said what I said.

If you ever wonder why you can't win a dance battle

It may be because these fuckers can't dance for shit

Oh boy my childhood (and adulthood don’t judge me) My Little Pony obsession is finally going to be useful!

Lucifer: Unicorn - he’s the most powerful magically, and unicorns are the most magically gifted ponies IIRC.

Mammon: Pegasus - he’s fun, flighty, and friendly, and also loyal like Best Pony Rainbow Dash.

Levi: Probably a Fluttershy-type pegasus, but if we can expand into the other MLP species, maybe he’d be a sea pony?

Satan: Unicorn, because he’s Lucifer’s progeny and a magical bookworm, but also his animal symbol is literally a unicorn.

Asmodeus: I want to say a unicorn as well, because it would be ironic for him (in non-MLP human lore, unicorns are attracted to purity and virginity).

Beel: Earth pony - he’s solid, down to earth, and kind.

Belphie: Earth pony to go with his twin, but also because it would be hard to nap with a horn poking holes in all your pillows.

Admin needs help!!!

What type of pony would the brothers be? Earth pony, Unicorn or Pegasi?

Local Demon Brothers Personified With Onion Headlines

(with bad words and alcohol, for your consideration)

Lucifer:

Mammon:

Levi:

Satan:

Asmo:

Beel:

Belphie:

Nobody told me 30 year olds were wrinkly and unenergetic. Some people write 30′s like they’re geriatric (not OP, more directed at the anon). Maybe my social circle is just rowdy, but half the fifty-somethings I work with can drink me under the table and get up for a run in the morning while I’m hungover-ly pouring Bailey’s in my coffee.

Also I look better at 34 than I did at 24 (as do a lot of people), because I have a sense of style and enough money to pay for a nice haircut/makeup. Honestly, who let me out of the house dressed like a goth at Woodstock when I was in college?

Which is a lot of words to tell anon not to worry about hitting 30. You’re never too old to be a bad bitch.

How would the brothers react on their (human) mc stressing about getting older? Mc isn’t as adventurous as before and has some wrinkles. Somewhere near 30?

JWSJSJSJ HOLD UP YALL THINK 30 IS OLD ???? DAMN... Man.... I guess half of my followers are basically in the grave, sorry guys. I'll prepare the funerals.

THE BROTHERS to MC worrying about getting older

Lucifer:

For a while, he will just brush your worries off and think its a phase. Maybe he hasn't loved you right lately? He will put a day aside, if not then a few hours, to just thoroughly love you and your changing body. It's in this time that you can get him to fully understand your worries. He'll take your hand and kiss it, reminding you that that's just part of being human and no matter how old you get, he will still cherish you.

Mammon:

He noticed, of course. The slight change in your appearance over the years and how you seem less energetic. He won't tell you but he's been thinking about the inevitable and although he knows it's still long before that, it just becomes more real with your own worries. He'll silently curse your fragile human being and spill his worries out in a heated argument that started over nothing. How dare you be human! That was the cruelest joke of all. He struggles with it too, but maybe you can lift each other up.

Leviathan:

The fact that he even has someone to love like that is amazing and so he avoids thinking about the negative. To him, this is a dream that should never end and when you get worried about that it just reminds him that this isn't a dream and it could end. He'll become whiny and needy, holding you close in fear of you going way too soon. Sure a few wrinkles arent the end, but they're the beginning of the end. He'll be sure to keep you close until then and remind you of why hes with you in the first place.

Satan:

Hes guilty of messing with that a bit. Your lack of energy forced him to use some "energy boost" spells and he is quick to offer something against the wrinkles too. Theres nothing wrong with getting old, he says, but theres something wrong with you getting old. He cant change fate, but he can try to keep you as youthful as possible on the outside with magic, if you want. Regardless, he will love you until you take your last breath. You changed him for the better and the least he can do is keep you filled with love and comfort throughout your life.

Asmodeus:

He starts freaking out FOR you. This is not just beauty gone wrong. This isn't just something you can fix with concealer. This is real. And it reminds him on how very mortal you are. He might shut down and avoid the topic at all costs. If he doesn't notice it, its not real, right? But he knows he has to accept it at some point. He just isn't ready to yet. So please, MC, take the creams he gives you and cherish every little bit of energy you have. Make him feel better while he tries to make you feel better.

Beelzebub:

Hes actually so calm about it at first. He holds you and tells you thats just life, that you're still beautiful to him and that he could still eat you up no matter what. But slowly.... As he lays awake at night through another hunger session, he realizes that time truly is really short and you have maybe 60 more years at best, 30 more at worst. Time runs different through him. Time is irrelevant to him. Having to think about this makes him anxious and he doesnt like it. Is there nothing he can do but to make you feel comfortable?

Belphegor:

Your worries will be ridiculed for a time because much like his twin, he thinks you still have so much time, right? But soon he'll lay awake at night and look at your sleeping form. You have changed.... Grown older.... And that's scary. Is he just supposed to lose you like he lost Lilith? He'll be angry with himself and his father for you being human, knowing thats not really your fault. He'll remind you every day how much you make him feel. And hopes that you feel him too. Don't worry about the details, he'll hold you anyway.

Mammon isn’t stupid, he’s *impulsive*. He allows his sin to override his intellect, which to be fair we see in a lot of other demons who don’t get characterized as stupid. He’s apparently good at math (if he thinks of the numbers as Grimm). He’s the second strongest brother, so he isn’t going to be a total airhead. His lack of emotional intelligence and self-control get interpreted as stupidity, which is unfair.

I guarantee you I drank Demonus and threw it up later at least weekly when I was a freshman in college.

idk why i always assumed demonus was wine or sth but you’re telling me... it’s jungle juice????????

And if you’re really worried about stress eating or being unhealthy during the pandemic, you can do better things than shit yourself silly after drinking whatever diet tea you saw on Instagram. Besides the fact that they don’t work, a lot of diet programs you find on social media will either harm you (because they’re extremely restrictive or call for taking some unregulated supplement containing hell knows what) or your wallet (because when you order a program they’ll steal your credit card number or sign you up for some autoship mess).

Go for a walk, do some yoga, play with a dog, make something healthy but tasty, like an omelet with veggies or pancakes with fruit (yeah, I love breakfast food, come at me bro). Doing these things might not even make you lose weight, but they will make you feel good.

Or engage in my favorite form of self care, dousing yourself in Vaseline and sliming around the floor while you play at being a slug.

You don’t owe it to anybody, at any time, and especially not during a global pandemic, to be a certain size or shape. You are making it through an unprecedented disaster and that makes you a certified fucking badass.

I love you all and I support you in doing whatever you gotta do, you rock star.

Diet companies will be hitting hard this year. Be prepared to hear repeated sentiments of “It’s time to get rid of that Quarantine 15” and “In these hard times, commit to taking care of yourself with healthy living and weight loss.”

This rhetoric is going to be everywhere. And due to the nature of modern advertising, the vast majority of it will be coming from people online who just look like they’re trying to share some good advice with the followers that they love so much. You’ll barely be able to see the money getting thrown at them from the weight loss industry.

Don’t reward them for using these manipulation techniques - Buying their products and losing weight isn’t going to make your year any better, or erase the stress of the pandemic, or be the first step in self-care.

Please please please see these ads for what they are - A way of preying on your insecurity and trauma in order to make money.

I’ll simp Lucifer all day long and nobody can stop me

Don’t think you can make me feel bad about it cause I’m already dead inside

not y’all bashing people for what character they simp for

I actually love this a lot. The little pursed lips, both in this drawing and the original card, make me laugh my ass off and I don’t know why. I just spent ten minutes trying to make this face in the mirror.

Shitty attempt on "why do people love cats" Satan

Shit, I’ve been there. Anon, you’re not alone. Please DM the account above (or hell, DM me, I’m usually drunk but pretty nice)

Also, best thing for me when I was in that headspace? Find something you feel strongly about. Love bad reality tv dating shows? Hate the Kardashians? Find someone else who feels the same way and just start talking. My best friendships, the ones who have pulled me out of my deepest holes, have come from shit-talking local politicians we hate (and in one instance, from being equally obsessed with the terrible Flavor Of Love series). And it went from hating/liking the same thing to talking about other things, and being friends, and caring about each other.

hi... im really sorry, but i'm completely alone and am really struggling to find a reason to live... could you maybe do a one note one day post? if not i totally understand

omg ofc

everyone pls boost this

also if you ever need someone to talk to you can dm me

@one-note-for-one-day @one-note-one-day