To The Hopeful Soul

Suicide

As a child I really loved the idea of suicide and kind of glorified it in my mind. It seemed perfect in all ways, you don't have to suffer in old age, you don't have to suffer from the pain of any terminal illness. It was just like if things are not going well you can end things whenever you want. I always liked the fact that suicide gives you the right to end your life as per your wish and instead of someone or something having the ability to end you.

But now a lot of time has passed, I am an adult and very thankful that I found a reason to not do something so 'awesome' as suicide. Because now I am mature and has realised that the notion behind my glorifying suicide had no base. I have realised that Yes when we try to hang ourselves we are the ones to remove that stool from under our feet but the rope we use was given to us by someone else. In simple words we want to end our lives but only because of others and how they treat us, which is obviously wrong. One more thing I realised growing up is that like we got hundred reasons to procrastinate our work, we also got hundred reasons to procastinate the idea of suicide. And for me just a single one was sufficient to keep me alive and also to teach me how to love life.

Maybe you need more than one reason to keep up living but I know you have those reasons, so just find them and cling to it till you start loving yourself and the surrounding. If I can move on everyone can and you know if I would have opted for suicide back when I was a kid, maybe I would have never been able to face all those failures and then enjoyed overcoming them. Challenges don't make your life miserable but they make your life unique. Just like I love to wear a unique dress to a party, I also love having my set of failures and challenges which make my life unique.

Finally, when you feel like ending your life just cling to the 'some' reasons around you to live till the time you start loving your life. Because suicide is stupid and everyone definitely realises that one day.

Didn't say goodbye?? Why??

Life is a journey indeed but why are we supposed to keep on moving and moving. Journey is about enjoying, feeling and then moving, taking stops when you need to, being able to get tired, being able to feel refreshed, being able to make connections, and most importantly being able to say goodbye to one stop and then move on to the next.

But I guess in the journey of life neither have I received enough goodbyes to forget people, nor I have got enough time to say goodbyes to enough people. I hate when people ABSQUATULATE. I hate when I ABSQUATULATE. But is it anyone's fault?

Life is running so fast that we are always afraid of missing on something in future, even if we are missing on our present for it. Our ambitions make us run from people we love, we leave without saying goodbye because we don't realise we are leaving, we think we are around but by the time we look back, we have actually reached miles and miles away. Away from the people we thought we will never leave.

We think that the person who is now miles away might have moved that distance on his own, maybe you were still at the same place but the other one has drifted apart. But no one knows for sure because you didn't say goodbye first and neither did the other person. So now you don't know how to ask if it was you that moved faraway or if it was them.

You are tired now you want to sit and think but life is still moving, you are still afraid of missing things if you stop. You again absquatulate and move on. And the cycle continues...

I don't want to be perfect

You want to be perfect my psychologist said

It was the problem usually left unsaid

It's been years

But I still remember her saying it again and again

I dismissed all thoughts

Because she was actually my teacher and teachers never know it all

But today I sit and am ready to contemplate

I don't think it's late

The problem is still that I don't believe her

Although from I don't want to be perfect

To do I really want to be perfect I have grown some thoughts

But still I am clear as a crystal ball

And I internally never wanted to be perfect is the feeling that stands tall

I realised by now

That I was just wired like that somehow

No one ever told me that being imperfect is good

I was just growing up under their hood

I always thought that's how you get love

I never wanted to join the unwanted club

There were only two statements I usually heard

I am proud of you always sounded warmer than that person is better than you, bud

Each mark lost in exam made me shattered

Because I knew it was deciding how much I mattered

Maybe that is how everyone is wired

And it's funny that nobody is getting tired

I guess the tireds join the unwanted club

And we are not taught to talk about them in this hub

I don't blame anyone

Because choosing this life was already done

But I might not have the pace

That is required to win this rat race

Although standing behind and alone

Means your chances of affection are blown

The problem is that we are not pushed towards self love

We are just pulling ourselves with self bluff

I was never behind perfection

I can say it loud and clear

I was always running behind affection

I mumbled with a tear

Back home, Connell’s shyness never seemed like much of an obstacle to his social life, because everyone knew who he was already, and there was never any need to introduce himself or create impressions about his personality. If anything, his personality seemed like something external to himself, managed by the opinions of others, rather than anything he individually did or produced. Now he has a sense of invisibility, nothingness, with no reputation to recommend him to anyone.

- Normal people by Sally Rooney

One sided friendship

I have heard a lot of people explain one sided love

But never heard anyone even talk about one sided friendship

Did you?

Honestly speaking I have been on both ends

I remember ignoring people even when they were ready to loose all for me

I remember being ignored even when I was ready to loose all of me

Did you?

Still think about going back and joining those chords

But what are the odds

Those I ignored have moved on tired of wasting their time

And those on whom I wasted my time never seemed mine

But still I wish for their call

Do you?

I find it weird how we just connect to some

I find it sad when those connections don't care and for them you are not the one

I thought love asked for a lot

but now I think even friendship's demands are not a dot

Do you?

Maybe they asked for so much that I just stayed aloof

Maybe my demands were so much that they considered me fool

Being nice and being friends are different I realised late

Not everyone you like is ready to be a part of your fate

Were you also a one sided friend at one time?

Do you also think that it was worth the time?

What if the efforts were not equal,

It was a friendship you initiated and it will never have a sequel...

I wish I knew you before I knew you

Nobody loves me the way that you do

Wish we were friends when we were kids

I think it'd still feel just like this

I just can't stop missing you

When it gets late in my hotel room

Tell me what time you're coming through

Why did I get so hooked on you?

Knew you by Kailee Morgue

The wish to be alone is so wierd, you try to forget so many people and end up remembering so many things at once.

Everyone has to make choices. Sometimes there’re only bad choices, all of them, each way you look it’s a sea of bad choices, and we just have to pick one, the best one, or maybe just any one.

- Things we lost to the water by Eric Nguyen

So you left me

I realised late

Ah! That was always my fate

I know I ignored you first

But what you did was worst

Balance

I was trying to create balance,

No wonder it was a challenge,

I was choosing all the rights,

I was just trying to be white.

Although it was tiring,

My conscience was firing,

Doing all the virtues,

Was something like a painful curfew.

But one day I slacked,

And my efforts started to lack,

Surprisingly everything got easy,

Only my conscience was a bit squeasy.

But it was not hurting,

So i decided not to try diverting,

Soon the wrongs got too much,

Without even realizing good was lacking touch.

Vices took the hold,

Introspecting was now too bold.

Soon new strategy was needed,

Because my heart pleaded.

So i took a side stage,

Not acting to any rage,

But was it a vice or a virtue,

I was now ready for rescue.

Someone came and told that the answer in within,

Please open your heart’s bin.

I thought and overthought,

Was it the trouble where I got caught?

Did I choose vices to lose the hard work?

Was I not seeking good for the perk?

But who decides what is right and wrong?

Is there anyone that strong?

My heart had a single answer to these,

You can do as you please.

Till its not hurting anyone,

Not today, not tomorrow or ever in the long run.

Neither too much of virtues nor too much of vice,

You should have a bit of every slice,

You get to choose you,

You get to help the queue.

Balance is the only thing,

It will be hard and will even sting.

Still we need to fight,

And follow our path of light.

Vices and virtues don't get a say,

It is us with whom the decision stays.