Oscar Wilde Said:

Sometimes it hits you exactly in your core. The realisation that you just not have that one person with whom you are never going to be angry, the person who gets your mood even before you realise, and someone to whom you can rant everything out.

One sided friendship

I have heard a lot of people explain one sided love

But never heard anyone even talk about one sided friendship

Did you?

Honestly speaking I have been on both ends

I remember ignoring people even when they were ready to loose all for me

I remember being ignored even when I was ready to loose all of me

Did you?

Still think about going back and joining those chords

But what are the odds

Those I ignored have moved on tired of wasting their time

And those on whom I wasted my time never seemed mine

But still I wish for their call

Do you?

I find it weird how we just connect to some

I find it sad when those connections don't care and for them you are not the one

I thought love asked for a lot

but now I think even friendship's demands are not a dot

Do you?

Maybe they asked for so much that I just stayed aloof

Maybe my demands were so much that they considered me fool

Being nice and being friends are different I realised late

Not everyone you like is ready to be a part of your fate

Were you also a one sided friend at one time?

Do you also think that it was worth the time?

What if the efforts were not equal,

It was a friendship you initiated and it will never have a sequel...

I declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading! How much sooner one tires of any thing than of a book! -- When I have a house of my own, I shall be miserable if I have not an excellent library.

Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

The world is burning with passion

People are burning with emotions

You are burning with love

But here I stand

With my flickering soul

I have a flickering soul...

Suicide

As a child I really loved the idea of suicide and kind of glorified it in my mind. It seemed perfect in all ways, you don't have to suffer in old age, you don't have to suffer from the pain of any terminal illness. It was just like if things are not going well you can end things whenever you want. I always liked the fact that suicide gives you the right to end your life as per your wish and instead of someone or something having the ability to end you.

But now a lot of time has passed, I am an adult and very thankful that I found a reason to not do something so 'awesome' as suicide. Because now I am mature and has realised that the notion behind my glorifying suicide had no base. I have realised that Yes when we try to hang ourselves we are the ones to remove that stool from under our feet but the rope we use was given to us by someone else. In simple words we want to end our lives but only because of others and how they treat us, which is obviously wrong. One more thing I realised growing up is that like we got hundred reasons to procrastinate our work, we also got hundred reasons to procastinate the idea of suicide. And for me just a single one was sufficient to keep me alive and also to teach me how to love life.

Maybe you need more than one reason to keep up living but I know you have those reasons, so just find them and cling to it till you start loving yourself and the surrounding. If I can move on everyone can and you know if I would have opted for suicide back when I was a kid, maybe I would have never been able to face all those failures and then enjoyed overcoming them. Challenges don't make your life miserable but they make your life unique. Just like I love to wear a unique dress to a party, I also love having my set of failures and challenges which make my life unique.

Finally, when you feel like ending your life just cling to the 'some' reasons around you to live till the time you start loving your life. Because suicide is stupid and everyone definitely realises that one day.

Back home, Connell’s shyness never seemed like much of an obstacle to his social life, because everyone knew who he was already, and there was never any need to introduce himself or create impressions about his personality. If anything, his personality seemed like something external to himself, managed by the opinions of others, rather than anything he individually did or produced. Now he has a sense of invisibility, nothingness, with no reputation to recommend him to anyone.

- Normal people by Sally Rooney

20s is about being everything

I have never been a person who had any big plans for my 20s. Honestly, my plans have always been about life in general, like I should ultimately become this, I should have someone who loves me and I should travel a lot but no goal like I should achieve this particular thing in my 20s. Although now when I am really in this stage of my life I have realised how much I have to do and how much I am doing. It's really a life changing phase, you are no more a kid and you are not even a responsible adult. Your time to make 'n' number of mistakes is over but yet you are clueless about the best decisions for yourself in more than 99% of occasions. You have people to support you but you don't have people to walk with you on difficult paths.

I am in my 20s unaware of what is right and what is wrong. Adulting at my own pace usually seems slower than others. Deep down I know I am growing, I appreciate how far I have come but on the other end it doesn't seem enough. I have learnt a lot, I am different from what I was in school. I am stronger but yet more fragile than before. I am confident yet afraid of others' perception about me as a whole. I am surrounded by people yet alone for long. I want to be loved romantically yet I am afraid of commitment. It's complicated but still clear. Maybe 20s is about being everything, being a super hero and a weakling together. It's about feeling everything so that ultimately you know what you want to be. It's about living different lives with single soul. It's about experimenting everything so that in your 30s you know which experiment had the most successful results.

It doesn't need any planning, it's just about living in the moment, going on a road trip without a map but with hope of reaching the destination. It can be a successful and joyful ride, it can be a painful and rough ride but in the end where ever you reach will be far away from where you started and would be indeed more lovelier than what you plan.

So you left me

I realised late

Ah! That was always my fate

I know I ignored you first

But what you did was worst

She is my constant

To my dear crush

I miss all the adrenaline rush

Each moment spent beside you was special

For you I was ready to wrestle

You were a friend first

And thankfully not a boy who always used to walk by

I always loved how you used to sit beside me when my friend was not around

I remember the look you gave to those gossipers on the ground

I felt special when you told me those secrets

I felt safe when you waited for me on the way

There was a time when I used to think about you all day

From hiding my feelings

To behaving indifferently I did it all

I was crazy over you for sure

Nothing between us was official

But you were a secret I was ready to tell none

Choosing the same subjects

And making study plans was somehow the future I was looking for

I liked you even after your ego

I was so happy when you used to say sorry and was ready to let things go

But I also remember that truth and dare game

I remember how you took my name

I was elated for sure

But something at that time needed a cure

I remember her crying

And that was the time I was trying

To not think

Because thinking meant choosing something

She was my best friend

And she had a lot unsaid

I had guessed before

But I was so over you that I decided to keep a close door

I liked you

And she liked you too was the case somehow

But now I had a choice to make anyhow

It was time to wake

And let the dream break

So I thought for long

It was not easy and I was definitely not strong

She had seen me cry more times

Than you had seen me smile

You were special

But what we had didn't promise me miles

The idea of losing her was unimaginable

Reading my mind was a skill in which you weren't able

She had seen my ups and downs

She was the one who never let me hit the ground

She was true to say we were telepaths

We were always the best pair of psychopaths

I had thought about all the possible scenarios

And unfortunately in neither of them

You were there till the end

But she was always around

So I decided to choose her over you

And I definitely miss you

But never have I ever regretted my decision

Although I would love to have an accidental collision

Because I want to tell you

That you were my crush indeed

But she was the friend of my need

I am happy to have her beside me

Even though she doesn't make me feel the same glee

It's been years I know

But she is still my constant tho

My Turn

It's so confusing

Today was my day of refusing

But that person took my turn

It feels like burn

I always used to think

Why me getting angry or depressed used to bring my mother to brink

Now it seems so obvious

She must have been holding a lot of stuff that's serious

Because that's what is happening with me each day

I am going through a lot but keeping my emotions at bay

It's easier to tackle things around

If only the people near you are not pulling you to ground

I wake up and try to smile

But even a single person being sad and angry makes me think a mile

It feels like cheating to me

I have so much to feel, how are they even beating me

Someone said your coping mechanisms' great

But I need to express is what I felt

Faking my emotions so others don't feel depressed

Is too much of a burden as I read

Sometimes I am on the verge of breakdown

But someone else grabs the sad crown

I feel so betrayed

I even dread

I know it's attention seeking clearly

But it was my time to show my problems dearly

You took that away

Now I have no idea how to get my way

I don't know if it's wrong

But when one person is sad I think I don't have the right to sing my sad song

So I keep on storing

And it's easy enduring

But again one day someone is at dismay

I start feeling the angst because even though I wasn't planning to say

That person seems to have taken my turn

And I have got the burn

So I get angry and depressed

I don't try to show it but it gets expressed

No I am not copying anyone

It just me feeling that I didn't get a chance to express to someone