Nigel Banyai Rp - Blog Posts

Cool squirrel!

Glad to hear you're settling in Baltimore alright. What does Beth do for a living, if you don't mind me asking?

- 🧷

// ooc: I just watched Adam the movie the other day and I have so many feelings about it. Once again I applaud you on your amazingly canon-aligned depiction!!! Also p.s. my inbox at @safetypin-non is always open ^_^

Isn’t he just?

At first, I suspected he might have rabies because he was unusually receptive for a wild animal. But then I realized he was probably already used to being around people. I wished I had something to feed him, but unfortunately, I only had pastries with me which you should never give to squirrels or ducks, for that matter. A lot of people make the mistake of feeding bread to ducks, even though it can ultimately be harmful—even deadly—for them. If you really want to give them a treat, you should offer peas instead.

And Beth is a teacher.

///thank u sm sweetheart! means a lot considering I’ve never done anything quite like this before. definitely let me know what you thought of the movie :)

I haven’t had the chance to look for raccoons yet, but there are squirrels in a park nearby.

I don’t like the filter Beth put on this picture, but the squirrel was fascinating.

Best of luck with the move, and don't forget to breathe!! I know moving can be enervating, and it's tempting to just shut everything off. I make that mistake sometimes, so you're not alone. You have a great group of friends, and you're a wonderful person, Adam! I hope you have a really good rest of your day. :)

This message reminded me of someone I know..

Although it’s not groundbreaking, you’re right—breathing is something I have to do more intentionally. Thank you for your words. I feel a lot warmer around my heart now, in the metaphorical sense.

I hope you have a nice day or night!, depending on where you live.

Hey Adam! Congrats on the new job and move to Baltimore. I think a change of scenery from the noise and excitement of NYC will be a bit less chaotic.

As a reminder, I'm here for ya. I know I'm not involved, not trying to be, but I'm here. People shouldn't pity you. But they also shouldn't walk all over you. I'm proud of you for setting those boundaries.

Never compromise your wellbeing, ever.

- 🧷

Hello,

Thank you for your message.I mean that sincerely. I think you’re right about the noise. New York has been too much for me ever since my Dad died, though I got used to the overstimulation. Or I thought I did.

Baltimore will be different. Not necessarily quieter, but..slower, maybe. Which might be good for me.

I appreciate the sentiment. I understand your concern. But sometimes things appear different from the outside. I’m doing what feels manageable for me at the moment. And that has to be enough, doesn’t it?

Still—thank you, again.

Hey Adam! How are you doing today?

Hello,

I did not manage to answer you in time. I do not remember how I felt on May 2nd.

But if I apply your question to today, I’d say I feel desolation and a sense of culpability regarding my emotional state.As for what I’m doing; I’m packing boxes.

I’ve been trying to organize them methodically, much to Beth’s frustration. We argued about it yesterday. It makes my skin itch to watch her throw everything together without care.

Tonight, I’m going to the park to watch the raccoons. I hope it’ll settle my thoughts. I know it won’t, there’s no magic in distraction. But maybe if I keep myself occupied long enough, I can crowd out what’s pressing on me.

After all i understand that my routines aren’t efficient for moving. So, I’ll dissociate as much as I can.

You do not understand me. You pity me.

I took the job offer in Baltimore.

I will be working as a guide at the Davis Planetarium. I’m very happy it worked out. The planetarium has such a rich archive and so many exhibits in rotation! I’ll have a lot to learn and organize, and even more to share. I am already experiencing a lot of excitement about that.

That means Beth and I will be moving to Maryland soon, leaving New York behind. I will miss New York. But I’m looking forward to seeing some people in Baltimore. And it’ll make getting to Dr. Lecter’s appointments easier, once he returns from his retreat.

What made you decide to get back with Beth? I thought you were doing pretty well, especially with Nigel. I think we all just want to make sure you're truly happy with this decision.

I don’t know. I think I want to be left alone. I don’t want to answer any more questions about this…

Good luck with talking to Beth 🤞

If it goes south, just make sure you take care of yourself first.

- 🧷 (safetypin-non)

Thank you. It went well.

Beth and I are together again.

Thought you’d be interested in this, stea. You think Keats was talking about Polaris? Can’t say I’m well versed on the subject. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44468/bright-star-would-i-were-stedfast-as-thou-art

— Nigel

Fomalhaut was the first star that came to mind. People call it the lonely one, and that feels closer to what Keats was describing—‘not in lone splendour hung aloft the night’—watching in silence like some sleepless, distant observer. Polaris is constant, sure, but Fomalhaut is solitary. It sits far apart from the other bright stars in the sky. Easy to notice. Easy to feel something about.

It makes sense to me, logistically too. Fomalhaut is visible from Earth without much effort. But more than that, it carries the weight of solitude, of being out there and unmistakably alone.

I don’t think he wanted to be the star. I think he recognized something of himself in it. When we admire things people, stars, it’s often because they mirror something we’re missing or trying to understand. Maybe he wasn’t longing for distance, but for connection. To feel less alone by seeing that loneliness reflected back.

And even if they’re separated by lifetimes of space, the star and the observer exist in that moment together. No one else might understand that connection, perhaps not even the two of them, but it’s there nonetheless.

Hey Adam :D I just started my transition journey and I was wondering what your thoughts are on the trans/queer community 🫶

Of course I support them. I don’t see why I wouldn’t. Discriminating against people for existing has never made any logical sense to me. It’s not hurting anyone. It’s just reality.

I know what it’s like to be perceived as complicated for no reason. To feel like you have to explain yourself when there’s nothing to explain.

Wishing you all the best with your transition.

I have learned that people say they want me to be myself, but they rarely ever mean it.

They mean: be myself, but in a way that makes sense to them. Be myself, but not so much that they have to rethink anything. Be myself, but not in a way that makes them wonder if they even know me at all. In a way that won’t embarrass them. And now I’m the one hesitating, trying to figure out what I’m apparently not giving—something I wasn’t even aware was missing.

And I have to wonder if I’m the one getting it wrong.

thoughts on the planet ceres?

A dwarf planet trapped in the asteroid belt. Too small to be a proper planet, too large to be just another rock. Suspended between definitions, never quite one thing or the other. It holds more water than any world in the inner solar system apart from Earth, but no one really talks about that. No one really talks about Ceres at all.

It was the first asteroid ever discovered. They thought it was a planet at first. It lost that title when they found others like it, but for a while, it was something more. Something significant.

I think that’s a shame.

Do not take any medication from Doctor Hannibal Lecter. This is a warning Adam.

I don’t understand the concerns about Dr. Lecter.

I have yet to have any negative experiences with the way he handles my therapy. However, I didn’t take any medication from him; he didn’t prescribe any to me.

Adam, don’t trust Nigel, he’s a bastard. He called me a fucking liability

-Tonny aka @coke-n-dope

I feel as though I’ve been inadvertently dragged into a personal conflict.

Good to hear from you though, Tonny

I have memorized every possible answer. I have practiced in the mirror. I know the words. But my hands still shake when I think about it.

I don’t understand why. If I know what I need to say, why is my heart racing? Why does my throat close? Why does my body not listen to logic?.

Hello, Adam. I was wondering if you have a favorite flower or plant or a favorite animal?

-Duncan.

Good evening Duncan!.

I do have a favorite animal.

Raccoons. Definitely raccoons. They’re highly intelligent, their problem-solving skills are impressive, and they have these incredibly dexterous little hands. Did you know that they can remember solutions to tasks for years? And they wash their food before eating it, which is both practical and oddly endearing. I often go to watch a family of raccoons at a park near me. They bring me joy.

As for plants, I think carnivorous plants are fascinating. They literally evolved to defy the usual order of things—plants aren’t supposed to consume animals, and yet, here they are. The Venus flytrap, for example, counts the number of times its trigger hairs are touched before closing, like it’s verifying the presence of prey. That kind of adaptation is remarkable. If find that they have a philosophical aspect to them.

I saw a guy today wearing sunglasses indoors. The sun wasn’t out.

Neither was common sense, apparently.

Hi- Im Lenny, Im really new to this app. You seem really pretty though. Do you have any movie recommendations? I see you like space, I have a few space films at the video store I work at.

talk to you later starboy.

🎬 ( @film-collecter )

Hello Lenny!,

Thank you. I do have many recommendations.

Two of my favorite films are A Beautiful Mind (2001, dir. Ron Howard) and The Imitation Game (2014, dir. Morten Tyldum). Both films have a strong focus on the protagonist, but they still fit your criteria. Contact (1997, dir. Robert Zemeckis) is simply brilliant in its scientific accuracy. I also think Moon (2009, dir. Duncan Jones) is one of the best films ever made—it inspires me to this day. If you want to watch something more laid-back but not the absolute garbage that many self-proclaimed ‘space’ movies are, I can recommend Wall-E (2008, dir. Andrew Stanton).

Let me know if you are interested in something more specific!.

Normally I’m a spacekaiser shipper but I love your interactions with Nigel sm I kinda hope he’ll stop obsessing over Will. Especially because that’s a losing game once Hannibal is involved.

I am afraid I did not understand the context for half of what you wrote. But I am glad that you seem happy with the status quo of this blog.

Intuition is mostly irrational, but if I were to believe in that sort of thing, I would describe having a strange feeling about tonight.

You’re like.. crazy pretty

Errr the name’s Tonny btw.

-@coke-n-dope

That is very direct. Hello, Tonny

Beth was over today. She took this picture while I was reading and said I should post it.

So I am.

The largest known star, UY Scuti, is around 1,700 times the size of our Sun. If you could replace the Sun with UY Scuti, it would extend far beyond the orbit of Jupiter. It is fascinating to think about the scale of space. And yet, UY Scuti is not the most massive star; it’s simply the largest in terms of volume. The actual mass of the star is estimated to be only 30 times that of the Sun, which is relatively small for such a large star.

Also, in case you’re wondering, it’s located in the constellation of Scutum, around 9,500 light years away. So, even if we had the technology to travel at the speed of light, it would take us nearly 10,000 years to get there. That’s about 1,000 lifetimes.

I thought that was interesting.

I don’t think love should have to be a fight.

If it is, maybe it’s not love, it’s just war with different rules.

But I think some things stay even when you stop fighting. Probably not everything, but the important things. Thats how I see this. Maybe one day you feel that you won’t have to fight anymore.

Good evening Nigel,

I was at the National art gallery with Beth this afternoon. I saw Botticelli’s ‘Venus and Mars’ there, it is an absolute study in paradox!. About forces that should collide yet instead settle into something resembling harmony. It reminded me of space in that way. Mars, the god of war, lies unconscious, unarmed, seemingly at peace. Venus, the goddess of love, seems watchful but unaffected, an island of serenity beside him. She has not conquered him. She has not subdued him. And yet, in her presence, he is still.

Many people would assume that love triumphs over war, that beauty tames violence. But I think Botticelli offers something more intricate. Venus does not demand change. She does not impose softness upon Mars. She simply exists, and in doing so, creates the conditions for stillness. Mars, so accustomed to unrest, is given a rare and unfamiliar gift—the absence of conflict. And he does not resist it.

The tension here is not one of struggle, but of transformation. Venus has not altered Mars, she has only revealed what he is capable of being. I imagine this as love at its most potent—not forceful, not possessive, but a quiet invitation to become. There is no battle between them, no need for submission or control. Instead, they are two opposing forces that, for a moment, find equilibrium. Together.

This is the paradox I was speaking of : not that one must destroy the other, but that they can coexist. In Metamorphoses, Ovid describes their relationship as both passionate and volatile, yet Botticelli captures something…subtler. Venus does not try to change Mars, nor does she fear him. She understands him. And understanding, more than any weapon, has the power to disarm.

I remember Beth asking ‘Why does Venus choose Mars? Her husband Vulcan presents as a more fitting counterpart, someone more aligned with her nature’. I answered that, perhaps love is not drawn to reflections of itself, but to contrast. To the possibility of transformation. Venus does not force Mars to lay down his weapons. He does so on his own, because in her presence, he does not need them.

There is power in that, in my opinion. A kind of power that does not shout, does not demand, but simply is. Not dominance, but invitation. Not submission, but balance.

And it reminded me of you.

Well, shit… you’ve really got me here, don’t you? Never thought I’d be sitting here, having someone talk to me about love like that, beautiful. It’s funny though. Mars? Peaceful? Never thought I’d see the day.

An invitation, huh? Not a fight, not a conquest, not a struggle to win someone over. Just... being. That’s a new one for me. Love makes me do some fucking crazy things, but never like that.

If I’m being real, I don’t know if I believe in that kind of love. The kind that just fucking is. Hell, I’m not sure I’ve ever let someone just exist if I really loved them, or that I've ever felt like I can let myself relax that way, or if I even can. I’ve always thought that if you don’t fight and keep fighting to keep what you have, you end up losing everything.

Maybe you’ve got a point, Adam. No one’s ever said anything like that to me before.

I’m glad you thought of me.

Hello, Adam. I saw your blog through Nigels and wanted to say hi. You’re a gorgeous boy, Adam. :)

-Duncan.

Hello, Duncan.

I wasn’t expecting you to message me. Thank you.

I don’t know what to say when people call me that.

You saw my blog through Nigel’s? Are you two friends? Or are you one of his brothers, like Dr. Lecter is?.

Everyone keeps telling me to sell my house. I won’t. No matter what happens. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to lose something else again.

[OOC] Hi!! :D I was curious where you intend Adam’s storyline to go? Or if you have any set plans at all. Will you follow some of the plot of the movie or just entirely do you own thing ?

[OOC] Hey!! 🫶 Yes, I actually do have some plans! At least regarding how I want to incorporate the plot of the movie and the HEU.

Basically, I’d like everything to be similar to the movie. Adam will get to know Beth, meet her parents at the theater, and Beth and Adam will get into an argument but make up—UP UNTIL the part where Adam finds out that Beth lied to him and actually knew her parents were coming to meet him all along.

As we all know, Adam needs a new job after he got fired. Since Adam already has to drive from NYC to Hannibal for his therapy and has now made friends with Abigail, I plan for his new job offer to be close to Baltimore. He’ll start a new life and become more involved in everything going on in Maryland, all while navigating his own life as well.

So, that’s roughly what you can expect, but we never know what might happen!!

Beth and I will head to the Museum in 33 minutes.

I feel nervous.