Me: Azul Is Drowning In An Indescribable Emptiness - Blog Posts

[Would it be enough? - Azul Ashengrotto]

Summary: He felt pathetic. He was sitting on the floor trying not to hyperventilate, desperately bitting back tears and gripping on the edges of his dignity. Azul was pathetic, and he was not enough for you.

Notes: gn!reader, unrequited love, angst, hurt no comfort, yes I like to make Azul suffer, some self deprecating thoughts too, oh the pains of unreciprocated love

It all started when you entered the board games club.

Azul would forever curse that day, the day you entered in his life and changed it forever. He'd curse and cry to whatever cruel entity watching over him for ever putting you in his path like that. But, at the same time, should he have been given the chance, he wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Even if he had to re-do it all over, the one thing he would never change would be that day, the day the sun shined on him for a few moments and took his breath away.

It might be a foolish, sentimental feeling, something he was not used to, so out of character for him. But he couldn't bear to imagine how different his life would be without that day on it, committed to his memory, imprinted on his soul.

You were new and bright and warm, so different from everyone else he's ever met, be it from the land or from the sea. It must be because you weren't from Twisted Wonderland at all, but from a whole another world. Azul has never and will never meet anyone like you. He's not sure if that's a good or a bad thing, it simply is the truth.

Idia had decided to not go on that day, something or other about an important event he couldn't miss on one of his online games. The club didn't have anyone else besides them, so Azul would have skipped as well should he have been warned sooner. As he was already at the reserved classroom, he saw no point in moving, taking it as a break from work. He spread himself at the teacher's chair, feet coming up to rest at the desk, undoing some of his blazer's buttons and taking his hat off, messing his hair with his hands. He put his arms behind his head and let out a heavy sigh, closing his eyes in fatigue, glasses sliding down his nose.

When the door opened, taking him by surprise, Azul was not prepared to greet you. He was not the image he presents to the public, not a refined businessman, not the top student of his grade, not Octavinelle's feared housewarden. No, he was simply Azul, such a vulnerable side to show as a first impression, no masks or pretentiousness.

You entered, both in the classroom and in his life, a little shy at first, eyes scanning the room before landing on his form, as he fumbled to recompose himself on the teacher's chair. If it were anyone else, he'd have been mortified and expected teasing at best, blackmail at worst. You did none, surprising him even more. You only smiled, brighter than a pearl, and asked him if that was the board game club room, so innocently, not batting an eye at his ruffled state.

He cleared his throat and tried to appear professional, even if he knew it wouldn't matter much for you anymore, but for his own comfort. You took a chair and put right in front of his desk, excitedly telling him you'd like to join.

The next hour could be described as casual for most people, but Azul wasn't most people and he did not do casual. When you spent a whole hour playing chess with him, listening to him as he talked about the club and, eventually, about Night Raven College itself, your full attention on him and only him, Azul felt like he never had before.

There was something about you. Something that made Azul's tongue roll on itself when he wanted to speak, something that made his heart beat concerningly faster, something that made his hands clammy and shaky when they moved his pieces, something that made his cheeks feel warmer around you.

And oh, you were beautiful. Radiant, even, with a smile of gold and warm eyes. You must have been a siren, for your voice fished his heart so easily, made him feel like he was floating on the calmer waves, the salty scent that felt so much like home lulling him into a sense of security. Azul wanted you to keep making him feel like that, he wanted to keep hearing your voice and keep looking into your eyes, he wanted the electrifying touch of your skin as your hands would accidently touch his, he wanted the comfort of your knees resting against each other.

It was not love, of that he was certain, since he had only just met you. Azul was not sentimental, that wasn't what this was about at all. Perhaps it was more like... infatuation. Perhaps Azul simply wanted to chase the feeling of being wanted for who he is, without pretenses or his usual barriers. Perhaps he liked the feeling of being on top of the world, something only you could provide him.

No matter. It was not love and Azul would not go after you. In fact, he would make sure to keep his distance, least those troublesome feelings get stronger. 

And stronger they did get, because he couldn't avoid you. Your alluring song always brought him back to you, like a sailor infatuated with the sea's wonders, he'd always go back. There was no way to avoid you, not when you came back the next week for the club meeting, and the next, and the next, and the next. There was no way to avoid you, not when you were so kind to him, not when you treated him so different from what he was used to, not when you took his cunning side in stride and didn't get scared of him, didn't try to distance yourself. (Not when you treated him so much like a person, an equal, someone worth of your time). There was no way to avoid you, not when you would send him text messages to take care of himself and check on him at late hours to tell him to stop working and take a break, not when you would visit him at Mostro Lounge and invite him to sit with you at a table to simply spend time together. 

There was no way to resist you, Azul was but a fish caught in your hook, completly at your mercy. You either didn't notice or didn't care, content with the way things were. But Azul did, he noticed and he wanted and he ached. There was a hole in his heart, molded perfectly for you to fit right in. It would be so easy for you slide to his side and click, fitting like puzzle pieces. Azul could accommodate to your needs, he could change the way he did things to spend more time with you, he could use his hard earned money to buy whatever you wanted, he could praise you for how long you wanted him to, never running out of things to say.

But here's the thing: Azul was not enough. You were content with being his friend, and only that. No money or praise would be able to change your mind, because Azul himself was not enough, never enough. 

You deserved someone nicer, someone who would take good care of you, someone that could spend time with you and protect you and think of you above everything else. Someone that could give you the world. Someone that wasn't Azul.

It happened like this:

The little booth at the corner of the restaurant was warm. Not because that's how the air conditioner had set it to be, but because you were there with him. The chill of the undersea atmosphere couldn't reach the little world the two of you shared. He listened to you as you spoke about your day, what mischief your friends had gotten into and the new book you had been studying.

It happened like this:

There was something on your mind, Azul could tell. There was some restlessness in you, your eyes would wander around the lounge every once in a while, as if looking for something (or someone), your hands were agitated in their moviments, you were more thirsty than usual, you would derail your line of thought and get lost in your head for a few seconds, as if considering something before discarting it, or perhaps as if gathering up your courage to say something.

It happened like this:

Worried you were hurt or having trouble with someone, Azul gently asked what was on your mind. He saw your hesitation before you sighed, but you trusted him. Other people would know better than to open themselves up to the Octavinelle housewarden and give him any information for him to leverage, but you trusted him. Azul would do his best to help, even as a pit grew in his stomach and his senses screamed at him that something was wrong, because you trusted him, and he would never break that precious trust.

His heart cracked like this:

You confessed shyly, a little smile playing at the corner of your lips and your eyes avoiding his, gazing into the distance as if looking at someone else. Your fingers danced with each other and your head tilted to the side as you sighed, so full of emotion. It was an endearing scene, anyone would be lucky to get to see that lovesick expression in your face. Azul didn't feel lucky. No, in fact, he felt very unlucky. In another situation, he'd have given anything to hear you say those things, to have the chance of seeing you like that, flustered and giddy.

But here's the thing: Azul is not enough. Because it's not him you're thinking about when your lips curl like that, it's not him you're thinking about when your eyes soften like that, it's not him you're thinking about when your heart beats faster. 

And there's nothing Azul can do against it, because you weren't in love with some complete random person, so far from him he couldn't even recognize their name. It might have been easier to take, should that have been the case. No, you had fallen for the closest possible person next to him, his vice housewarden. Jade Leech was the one in your mind as you ate besides Azul.

His heart broke like this:

The little booth wasn't warm anymore. It was impossibly cold, colder than his home under the sea. The chill settled on his bones, made a home on his lungs as his chest caved in. Your little bubble had burst, the world was no longer only shared between yourselves. Azul felt his heart dropping, he felt like throwing up. His hands shook and he stared and stared and stared. You had never looked so beautiful and so far away. You were glowing, but it wasn't at him.

He could only stare as you talked in rushed whispers, not wanting to let the truth out, not wanting anyone to overhear. He could only stare as you jumped in surprise and flushed as Jade suddenly appeared by your side to check if you wanted to order anything else. He could only stare as Jade smiled softly and teased you, you bantering right back at him, so full of affection and so naturally that the two of you just... clicked. 

Azul hurriedly excused himself, murmuring an unconvincing excuse to leave the two of you alone and far away from him. He locked himself in his office and slid down the door, biting his lips and pressing the back of his palm to his eyelids, trying to rein his tears in.

He felt pathetic. He was sitting on the floor trying not to hyperventilate, desperately bitting back tears and gripping on the edges of his dignity. Azul was pathetic, and he was not enough for you. He was no longer the little boy he used to he, he did not need to hide in an octopot, but he wanted to. He wanted the easy comfort, he wanted to pretend nothing was wrong, he wanted to be left alone and to have you by his side at the same time.

He had always known. You have never tricked him, your feelings were clear. You liked Azul as your dear friend, your confidant, and that was the end of it. And Azul loved you and loved you and ached for you, as you fell for someone else. He was merely playing pretend for as long as he could, trying to stay blissifuly unaware of what was happening right in front ot him, as his two closest friends fell in love and left him behind.

When had that happened? When had you grown fond of each other? When had Jade won your heart over? When had Azul stopped being enough for you?

Has he ever been enough at all?

The floor had no sympathy for him or his sorrows. The vacant office mocked him, showing his life long accomplishments, everything he fought tooth and nail for. Was it worth it? He had what he had always wanted, didn't he? So why did his chest feel so empty, so dull, why did his heart ache so much?

Time passed by, but he gave it no mind. No one knocked at his door, most likely because the twins noticed he wanted to be left alone, and left alone he was. He broke down, a pathetic sight of a pathetic man, and he pulled himself together, drying his tears and fixing his clothes. He had to keep his image, at the very least, otherwise what else would he have left going for him?

Azul did what he does best. He pretended. He pretended everything was alright, that nothing had changed, that he was fine.

The one thing he didn't have to pretend was that he was happy for you. Of course he was, seeing you so excited about your crush was heart warming. But it was also heart crushing, to have what he's yearned for at his fingertips and letting it slip away. He'd stay happy for you, even as his feelings ate him alive and his heart screamed and kicked and sobbed that it was supposed to be him. Not Jade, but him.

Here's the thing: Azul is not enough, but Jade is. Jade is, and Azul will make everything in his power to make sure it stays that way, so that your heart won't break, not like his did.

It's a few days after that Azul pulls Jade to his office to talk.

He didn't want to talk, he wanted to scream at him, wanted to cry about how unfair it was, but he had more composure than that, he knew better. It wasn't Jade's fault you had fallen for him, just like it wasn't Jade's fault that Azul was not enough. And Azul knows Jade, he knows him like he knows himself, he knows Jade will be able to treat you right if that soft smile he reserved for you was any indicative. Yes, Jade could be vicious and decieving, he could lure you in only to break you, he could outsiren the siren. But he wouldn't. He wouldn't, because Jade was just as infatuated with you as you were with him. No, not infatuated. In love with you. 

The thought left a bitter taste in Azul's mouth. He was terrible and selfish, he wanted you to himself, he wanted you to look at him with that loving gaze, not Jade, but him. He'd swallow the feeling down for your happiness, for you.

"You wanted to see me?" Jade inquired politely as he entered, closing the door behind him.

The air felt tense. His stuffed little office made him seen so close. Azul held the scream in.

"Yes, I wanted to talk to you about the prefect."

"Oh? What about?" There was a glint in his eyes at your mere mention. Azul clenched his fists, his short nails biting into his skin to help him gather his strength, not back out on this. He had made up his mind.

"Your feelings."

"My... feelings? I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about." 

Jade, of course, wouldn't reveal his hand so easily. He could deny it all he wanted, his body spoke for itself. The way he became more alert, he leaned in slightly, his eyes widened just a fraction. It was proof of their years of partnership that Azul could notice all of this in the first place. Jade obviously liked you back, and Azul wasn't in the mood for his mind games.

"You like the prefect. Don't bother with denial, it's quite obvious." 

"Oh? I'm obvious now? How funny, I could swear I've seen you swooning over the prefect before." 

He was having fun with him, the bastard. Jade was perfectly aware of his feelings, just as attuned to him as Azul was, wanting him to take the bait. It was entertaining to taunt him, perhaps, or he wanted to see if Azul would try to talk him out of it and leave himself to try his chance with you. He might have if he thought he had a chance to being with, but that wasn't the case.

"Cut it out, I'm not trying to compete. Quite the contrary, in fact. Jade, I want you to take the prefect out on a date."

There, he had said it. He was almost sure there was blood on his tongue with how much it hurt to get those words out.

For once, Jade looked surprised, genuinely taken aback. Not his carefully constructed mask of shock, but his true reaction. Azul tried to feel the usual satisfaction that would follow such a thing, but he could only feel bitter.

"My my, that wasn't what I was expecting at all. How come, Azul?"

"The prefect likes you back, simple as that."

He couldn't, was physically unable to, hold back his heartache at that. His feelings came stumbling down each word, it was obvious. But he'd do it for your happiness, he would beg Jade to treat you well and with the utmost care, he would dig his own grave and lie in it.

Not that he would have to. At these words, Jade perkep up instantly. Nothing anyone else would have noticed, but Azul did. Of course Azul did, Jade was his closest friend. And he was about to let him have you all for himself. 

"What makes you think that?"

Jade had to know, had to know the way you looked at him with stars in your eyes, had to know the way you giggled and joked with him, had to know the way you liked to stay as close as possible. He had to.

"It's just as obvious as your feelings. So, do me a favor. Please, Jade." His voice breaks. Azul feels something inside him breaking alongside it.

Jade's eyes soften, an equal mix of pity and elation, and isn't it a funny sight? Who wouldn't be euphoric to know they hold your affection? Azul knows he would, Sevens, how much he would, how much he wishes that was the case.

"I understand. Thank you, Azul. I'll make sure we will have a most pleasant time together."

With a corteous bow, Jade leaves him to his misery. Azul could imagine it all, Jade's own cooking as you ate with him on a dinner illuminated by candlelight, your laughter as you slow danced in the dark afterwards, the stars shining bright above you and giving their blessings. How your lips would be so soft as you press it against his.

He grabs his hair in frustation, his chest feels ready to combust, Azul is a ball of jealousy and self pity and he's not enough.

Being your friend would have to suffice. He couldn't bear to lose you from his life, so that would suffice. Keeping you close, but never too much. Having your attention, but never all of it. Staying by your side, even if you're not by his.

Digging his cracked chest bones into his lungs, breaking and breaking the pieces left of his heart, waiting for his throat to be rasped raw, until his tears dry and he dehydrates. Until the sea runs dry and the land gets flooded, until the sun combusts and the moon implodes. Azul will stay by your side, of course he will.

Even if he has to watch you holding Jade's hand oh so tenderly, asking him to bend down a little for you to kiss his cheek. Even if his insides burn at the scene. Even if he only ever gets to stare at your back all day. Once your smile shines again, he can't bring himself to regret it.

He'll curse the day he met you, but by the Sevens, he wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. As long as he gets to watch you being happy, from afar, he'll be satisfied. He'll focus on his work and his studies and anything else to keep himself busy, but a single message from you will be enough to break his concentration and capture his attention.

You'll always be enough for him, more than enough. No matter how many years pass, Azul will keep loving you, even if he's still not enough.

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