Experience Tumblr like never before
THIS. You actually read my mind.
I'm not interested in people being needlessly pedantic over whether or not he literally "lost his soul" in ascension, because he very clearly lost something crucial to his being. He burned a bridge between himself and the future of healing and redemption he could have had. AA is not "free" in a meaningful way, and he shackled himself to Cazador's legacy forever, trapping himself in a state of non-healing. Of course he's not "just another Cazador", maybe he's even "not as bad". But that doesn't mean he's good. He chose to turn away from the good in himself. As Neil Newbon said, becoming Lord Astarion solidifies all of all the worst in him.
Being able to walk in the sunlight won't make him happy. Having no vampiric hunger won't help him heal from the trauma he's choosing not to face. Being able to see his reflection won't absolve him of his crimes. Being a vampire lord won't give him back the identity that was stripped from him. The Spawn ending isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but its a new dawn. Radiant and hopeful. Full of love and support for the long road of healing ahead.
"Ascended Astarion is what happens if trauma wins - he’s the desensitization to violence after centuries of torture and cruelty, he’s the false facade of confidence and superiority shielding a weak sense of self, he’s the belief that the only way to not be a victim is to be the abuser."
"He may not act exactly like Cazador but he has embraced the belief that to be safe is to be powerful at the expense of empathy and care for others, and with that it is inevitable his hunger for power will grow more and more sadistic consuming every good and tender part of Astarion just like it did to Cazador"
Flawlessly put. Actually perfect.
Some fans think Ascended Astarion is free from the curse of vampirism because he can walk in the sun and see his reflection and he isn’t hungry for blood, but he has just replaced all that for a far more sinister and consuming hunger. Vampires crave power the way they crave blood, insatiably and beyond their control. They are a metaphor for abusers, trapped in their futile struggle to feel fulfilled by harming and dominating others. That is part of their curse, the darkest and most isolating part. If we read Cazador’s thoughts, we find that he doesn’t identify with this monster he has become and deep down wants to just die. He is consumed by the curse of vampirism, everything from torturing his spawn to the ascension ritual were part of this vampiric hunger for power that made Cazador what he became. If Astarion ascends, that is what he will become.
He may not act exactly like Cazador but he has embraced the belief that to be safe is to be powerful at the expense of empathy and care for others, and with that it is inevitable his hunger for power will grow more and more sadistic consuming every good and tender part of Astarion just like it did to Cazador. Cazador was once a young Spawn who reached out to a friend and was impaled for a decade straight because of it. From Cazador’s perspective, he was a “loving”, “paternal” Master compared to Vellioth but that’s just the distorted mindset of the abuser. Just like every abusive parent thinks they aren’t abusive because their parent was “worse” to them. Cazador was different from Vellioth and Ascended Astarion would be different from Cazador but they’re the same beast. There’s no denying that the nature of vampirism and Master/Spawn relationships are abusive and the only way to free yourself from that cycle is to reject the poisonous allure of vampiric power.
Spawn Astarion cannot see his reflection or walk in the sun, at least not yet, but he can live and he can heal. He knows it’s safe to be loving and kind, that there’s more to the world than an endless cycle of power and pain which was all he experienced for 200 years as a slave to Cazador’s sick, undead mind. Spawn Astarion has won something Cazador never could, and that’s his soul back. Cazador died a power-hungry husk who didn’t recognize himself from the boy he once was with everyone he claimed to “love” relieved he was dead - Spawn Astarion won’t suffer that fate. Ascended Astarion is what happens if trauma wins - he’s the desensitization to violence after centuries of torture and cruelty, he’s the false facade of confidence and superiority shielding a weak sense of self, he’s the belief that the only way to not be a victim is to be the abuser. Spawn Astarion is bittersweet but hopeful and free to be himself, he is not consumed by what trauma and vampirism wants him to be. He is free to heal and find out who he is. That will take time, but it’s finally possible.