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Fatigue - Blog Posts
The Devil Wears Yellow
Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4 || Part 5???
Chloe could not stand you. Over the past month that you had been attending the same school as her, she had grown a rather distinct hatred for you, stemming from the relationship blooming between you and Adrien. She noticed the sweet smile on your face every time you spoke to him, the way your fingers seemed to brush when he would lean over to your side of the desk. She could distinctly remember the way you elbowed him in the side for trying to copy your answers, his bashful laugh as he searched for an excuse of his copying. It was infuriating and unfair. Her thoughts were suddenly cut off as an unexpected voice called out to her.
"Madame Chloe, the car is waiting for you," Chloe's butler, or as she called him 'Jean-whatever-your-name-is', alerted the girl from behind her bedroom door, his knuckles wrapping against it with a gentle knock.
The blonde girl let out an obnoxious groan, yanking her yellow jacket on over the top of her black and white striped shirt. As overly dramatic as usual, she shoved the door open, ultimately pushing the poor man down and storming to the front of the hotel. She got in the white limousine and left for school.
~~~
The next day started the same as all the others. You struggled pulling yourself out of bed, showered in cold water despite how much it made your joints ached and then returned to getting dress. Today you wore a knee brace on your right knee, favouring your left more than usual. You were yet to notice the effect that the miraculous had on you outside of your hero persona. Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge you didn't bother waking your parents to say goodbye. Reaching for your bag as you stood just in front of the front door, you took one look back into the house before you simply left, not giving the house a second look. You were starting to grow tired of the same routine. Waking up, leaving the house with no goodbye, going to school and then returning to a battle against an akuma that you weren't even allowed to fight yet. Part of you wanted to get your hands dirty, aching and yearning for the adrenaline that would rush through your system whenever there was a slight mention of a supposed akumatization.
While the walk itself wasn't long, it felt as if it took an hour. You were tired from the nights work. Akuma's had become rare, and you were still yet to properly face one without just lending the occasional hand of whisking away surrounding citizens so they wouldn't get hurt. With each day that had passed you had easily memorised the walk to school, rarely needing your own mind to take you there when your legs already knew the way. Letting your feet guide you, your mind started to wander a bit.
The truce you made a few weeks back flashed through your mind. You hadn't really interacted with Chat Noir since then, but you were sure something had changed between the two of you. You recognised his small glances towards you, instead of being greeted with sharp eyes, they were more curious. Although he was still jealous of you, envious of the attention you received from Ladybug, you were proud to say that you no longer thought that the feline heroine hated you. Your last patrol together was the night before. He didn't speak much, but when he did, it didn't seem to come out as harsh as usual. He was a strange boy, that was for sure.
Not realising that you'd already made it to your class, you almost walked into the door. Shaking your head, you pushed open the door and stepped inside. What you were yet to notice was the blonde girl standing next to the doorway, her foot sticking out just enough to make contact with your ankle. The connection sent you tumbling to the ground with little to no witnesses other than Sabrina. Your water bottle rolled across the hardwood floor. The blonde smirked down at you. She found an empty joy in watching you crumple to the floor, falling to pieces from such a simple manoeuvre.
"Whoops!" she feigned shock, "Maybe you should watch where you're going next time, foreigner." The smirk on her face made you feel sick. For the first time in years, you felt humiliated. You didn't have the time to process the hurt that you felt, both physically and somewhat mentally. Putting on a brave face, you pulled yourself to your feet, favouring your left side to the point your leg buckled slightly under your weight. "Listen, I don't understand what I have done to you that makes you believe tripping me over is the answer," you began, "I'm sure there's a good person inside that heart of yours."
Your words made her crystal eyes widen momentarily. They seemed to hit a vulnerable spot within her, but as soon as it came to her it disappeared. "You don't know what you're talking about. You are ridiculous!" She huffed, easily hiding the slight pang of guilt she felt under a snobby mask. Sabrina looked at you, her eyes were the window to her soul. Guilt was plastered on her face, leaking from her pores with every second she stood near you. Yet, the girl did nothing to defend or help you. She simply pulled her head down and held Chloe's books tighter to her chest. You never liked being forgiving, but you would have forgiven the two with a simple apology or explanation even if it wasn't to your standards. You rolled your eyes, moving from the door to place your bag next to your desk in its usual spot. Gaining no reaction from you, Chloe left without sparing a second glance, practically dragging Sabrina out by the wrist.
You regretted coming to school so early. Tears threatened to fall as you finally let the weight of the situation fall upon your shoulders. You truly couldn't think of what you had done to Chloe. In fact, it wasn't until today that you had properly spoken before. Taking in one last shaking breath, you wiped your eyes with the sleeves of your sweater. There was no point in letting her words or actions get the better of you. If you were to be akumatized, who knows what would happen. Rolling your right ankle under the desk you bit down on your bottom lip. She didn't sprain your ankle, but it definitely left you with a jolt of pain when you moved. You hoped it would go away on its own, not needing the extra pain when your knee was already burning.
The opening of the door pulled you from your thoughts. Quicky wiping your eyes, you scrambled to pull your textbook from your bag. Your hands shook from the previous interactions, almost making you drop the pencil you held.
Curious eyes stared down at you as the young man made his way to his seat. He sat down next to you, flashing his usual friendly smile. He spoke your name, and you finally looked up. Graced by the solemn look on your face, Adrien frowned. The two of you had grown rather closer over this last month, exchanging numbers and often riding home together. He knew to an extent the struggles you faced each day, but he had never seen you look so disappointed and dejected.
"Are you alright?"
The words hit you like a harsh wave, stinging as it crashed against your warm skin. Instead of answering, you simply sighed. Although the desire to understand the situation, to ultimately make you feel better, burnt deep within the core of his chest, Adrien hesitated. He nodded. "I understand. I'm here." His warm palm brushed against your shoulder once again, however instead of pulling away like you typically did, you leaned into it.
The blonde boy's eyes widened, his breath hitching in his throat. He had never really had such a seamless interaction with the someone. The warmth of your shoulder spread throughout his palm, coursing through his veins as if it were his own blood, his lifeline. His reaction didn't go unnoticed to you, although you were much too busy sulking about the previous situation. A heavy distaste for the rich girl sat in the pit of your stomach. Not even Adrien could pull you out of that hatred.
~~~
The day was over almost as soon as it begun. After your little interaction with Adrien earlier, he had promised to take you to the park after school. His simple excuse to his father, with the bribery of his bodyguard, was that fencing practice just so happened to be running late. It was the entire reason you were walking next to him, chortling at the jokingly snide comment he had made about the ladybug pin on your bag. You could only assume he was joking.
"What? Do you really believe that Chat Noir is better?" You rose a brow, simply teasing the other. The look of pride that flashed through his eyes made your playful façade falter. You shook it off as nothing, the small upturn of his lips distracting you from your own scepticism. There was something about his little scoff that made your stomach flutter. It felt so familiar, yet at the same time so out of reach. You chalked it back to another time you had hung out, maybe you had heard him scoff that way when he drove you home? You shook your head and turned your attention towards the taller boy.
He rolled his eyes slightly, a sight you didn't see often under the guise of his bodyguard. "Of course! He's so much cooler than Ladybug and Clementine," that made your eyes widen, "Plus, his cat puns are hilarious. I just don't get how you can't see that." The boy shrugged. Adrien had completely dissed your alter ego straight to your face. You kept your reaction hidden deep. Perhaps the next time Clementine had patrol, they might pay a visit to the blonde boy and teach him what true humour was. You nudged him with your elbow as you both walked along the cement path. You still limped from the earlier incident, but it luckily didn't hurt as much as it typically did. "Clementine is the coolest, thank you very much! And Ladybug can literally repair everything with some like, magical ass words. How is that not cool?"
Adrien blushed, the tips of his ears flushing red as you nudged him. He wasn't entirely sure why he felt like this. He assumed it was because you were good friends. Yeah... that was the reason.
~~~
Your debate lasted until you two found yourself in front of your home. It seemed cold, most likely due to your parents being in their own separate places. Ever since you began to manage your won diagnoses, they began to lay off of you a bit. What used to seem overbearing and protective had turned into minimal interactions and borderline neglect.
Turning to face Adrien, you offered him a sweet smile. "Thank you... For today, I mean. This meant a lot." You weren't lying when you said that. The whole interaction with Chloe had left you rather down in the dumps and it seemed he was the only person to truly pull you out of it. He returned your sweet smile with a boyish grin of your own. The way you looked at him in that moment with nothing, but pure gratitude and care made his heart race dangerously fast.
He shook his head quickly, golden locks flickering in front of his eyes before settling to frame his face. He was always picture perfect. "It's what friends are for." Those words stung, but once again you were dumbfounded as to why. Adrien held your bag out for you to grab, you couldn't remember when he had taken it, but you were grateful, nonetheless. Muttering another soft 'thank you', you let your fingers linger on his. The soft caress of his plush skin against you had your mouth running dry. Quickly pulling away, you finally spoke up.
"Call me when you get home."
You left no room for an answer, gripping your bag so tight that your knuckles had shifted from their usual flushed colour to a pale white. The door shut and you retreated to your room.
Adrien stood outside of your house; his mouth slightly open with unsaid words. That was uncharacteristically odd, but he simply assumed you didn't want your parents to meet him. He was understanding of the relationship you held with your parental figures, so he didn't plan on pressing anytime soon. Instead, he began his way home, the only though on his mind being the way your fingers left a lasting spark in his palm.
Word Count: 2151
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@puppyminnnie
Anyway don’t be like me, listen to your body and take breaks when you need to. That goes for stuff other than exercising too, like if you’re doing any type of activity and you feel your brain and body start to be like “heeeeeeeey can we slow down?” That’s a sign that you should take a breather, or dial it back, or whatever. Knowing how and when to listen to your body is your most important tool to manage your symptoms.
It’s also an important tool to help you like. Be a happier, chiller person.
Yet again stuck in the pattern of
Works out to help my fatigue -> experiences joint pain because I was too rough -> takes a day to rest because of my joint pain -> experiences fatigue because I haven’t been working out -> works out to help my fatigue -> becomes the chronically ill equivalent of Sisyphus, trapped in a self inflicted loop of being tired and achey all the time
Yet again stuck in the pattern of
Works out to help my fatigue -> experiences joint pain because I was too rough -> takes a day to rest because of my joint pain -> experiences fatigue because I haven’t been working out -> works out to help my fatigue -> becomes the chronically ill equivalent of Sisyphus, trapped in a self inflicted loop of being tired and achey all the time
It really sucks when my symptoms have been mostly manageable for like 2 weeks straight and then out of nowhere fatigue just hits me like a sack of bricks. Like at least it’s happening on my day off so I don’t have to worry about work but like. Damn dude it was really nice being a functioning person for a while, not enjoying the possibility of another flare up happening rn and wrecking my ass for the next week and a half.
Doctors be like “before we refill your medication you need to make an appointment” and then I show up to the appointment and it’s just
“Does it hurt?”
“Yes, literally all the time.”
“Cool here’s your drugs, see you in three months.”
I’ve been exercising to help my fatigue, unfortunately I keep pushing myself too hard and worsening my joint pain…. which then makes my fatigue worse.
BUT it’s okay because if I need more energy, I can just exercise! Again! And if I injure myself again and my fatigue gets even worse, it’s okay, because if I need help with my fatigue, I can just EXERCISE!!! And then if my joints get worse because of that and I get more fatigue, it’s okay, because I can just EXERCISE MORE, AND—
Listen I know the only way to figure out what’s making me sick is to wait for my lab tests to come back and see what the doctor says.
And I know that panic googling autoimmune diseases that I MIGHT have is 1. Not productive and 2. Not healthy.
…………………but I read this article about LUPUS last night, and I—
Me: I mean I just told you I have a family history of autoimmune disorders and joint problems, don’t you think we should at least look into—
Dr: You know what else you have a family history of?
Me: …………….dude I swear to god—
Dr:
💖💕Mental Illness💕💖
Me: Yeah so I’ve been having horrible joint pain, muscle weakness, and fatigue for the past several years that’s worsened dramatically in the last 2 months.
Dr: Hmmm…. Fatigue, you say? Do you happen to have any…… mental health issues??
Me: …..I mean I have an anxiety disorder, but I really doubt that—
Dr: That’s the reason, that’s why you’re fatigued. It is your ✨mental illness✨
Me: Okay but I’ve had anxiety since I was a kid and the fatigue is a recent issue, so—
Dr: So sorry to hear about how ✨MENTALLY ILL✨ you are and how it is causing literally ALL of your health issues😢☹️
Me: But my anxiety is way better than it used to be, plus like I said I’m having joint pain as well I really don’t see how that could be caused by—
Dr:
✨💫Mentally Ill✨💫
Me: I am mentally and physically disabled and therefore am not capable of working as much or as hard as most people. I need to remember this and not push myself too hard.
My body after a long day: *collapses from physical and emotional exhaustion after I’ve pushed myself too hard*
Me: 😲????? Who could have foreseen this😲😲😲😲?????
Steve has lived through a world-ender before. At least, it was the end of the world for him. Everyone he knows and loves, gone in an instant. The ones who aren’t dead, warped by time and age.
It was not so simple as an instant this time.
fun fact: “tired” is not supposed to be your default state of existence
I don't want to be a productive member of society. I want to make my art, play my games, and rest. Every little thing overwhelms me.
Having to get up everyday and maintain my body is exhausting.
Maintaining relationships is exhausting.
Having to get up and work while looking presentable is exhausting.
I'm so tired of being demanded of anything and everything. And I know I probably won't be able to rest until I'm either old and senile or dead.
I didn't ask for this, yet here I am...Slowly rotting away. There's no time to truly enjoy life, work, and be both physically and mentally healthy simultaneously, for the majority of your time.
I just want to get out of here and find true joy.