Your Blog Is Absolutely Fantastic And It's Helping Me So Much You Have No Idea. Thank You!!!

Mindy is a kind name. Mindy is a peaceful name. It's just soothing to say, even. Mindy sounds like fairy lights and cool breezes and a gentle smile at soft music wafting over the night.

Ah, this made me cry 💜 Thank you

#Coping with coronavirus and dissociation

The following recommendations might be very basic, but I find they’ve been helping me to stay on track. I have been having difficulties with DID and complex PTSD symptoms and almost ended up kind of losing touch with reality in certain ways because of feeling so far away from the world but also not wanting to interact with ‘the outside.’ Things got pretty rough during the cold months in my country when winter storms and frigid temperatures kept everyone indoors and miserable, which made me withdraw from friends even though I was thinking of them and wanting to see them. It was like the pandemic was inspiring me to disappear, which was nice at first but soon became problematic as my issues with depression, anxiety, etc. went haywire. I had to come up with some fundamentals to figure out how to cope through it all.

I’ve recently taken up photography, using solitary adventuring to explore and contemplate or even meditate while snapping shots of the world around me. It’s also turned into an exercise for mindfulness, which has been helpful especially as summertime hit. Since photography is something that can be done pretty easily with company and while physical distancing, I’ve been visiting with friends within my ‘social bubble’ of less than 10 people, keeping it safe and relaxed as I’ve incorporated visits on a weekly basis to add some socializing to my routine.

Speaking of routines, the ones I’ve fallen back on daily have made me feel more stable and in control on multiple levels. Sometimes it’s difficult to keep from working all of the time or becoming lost in never ending creative projects and burning out, so I’ve also taken the time to do yoga, which has given me the opportunity to meditate on how I can be there for others and perform acts of kindness, support, and compassion while also figuring out how to care for myself and tweak my perception so as to avoid becoming lost in cognitive distortions that would certainly make things worse.

Though routine is a big source of comfort, I also find that it’s been equally important to have things to look forward to, certain moments with friends and loved ones that seem to be given more meaning in the disconnect. One thing that has happened recently, which has been a source of comfort and fun for both my partner and I, has been the adoption of a young kitten. I feel like spending time with pets can be as comforting as spending time with people and has helped me find a balance when it comes to lingering for too long in front of screens.

Last but not least, a huge source of stability has been to spend a decent amount of time outside, soaking in a bit of light and enjoying the fresh air, or even stepping out to enjoy the cooling freshness of a rainy day. We might not be able to spend time up close with friends, but it can be very helpful to connect with nature however and whenever possible.

It might sometimes feel easier to withdraw and disappear, but that line of thinking can be pretty misleading and counterproductive. I feel like creativity is often overlooked during such stressful times but is something that can help release stress and provide distractions from wanting to constantly check social media or wind up in a black hole of television/streaming binges. No matter what you end up doing, however, always remember to treat yourself properly, care for your body, and also remember to be gentle with yourself when necessary. Even with this insanity going on in the world, you are worth it and deserve to feel comfort even and especially during the loneliest moments.

Thank you for submitting this! This is all very good advice. I’m glad that you’ve found several ways to make the pandemic easier for you to cope with, and I hope that this helps some of our followers as well. Take care.

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We’re welcoming asks and submissions about coping during the coronavirus pandemic with the hashtag #coping with coronavirus and dissociation. If you’d like to participate, send us an ask or submit a post! More details can be found here. For those who missed it, we also have a masterpost about coping techniques during the pandemic here.

AvPD recovery: Self-esteem.

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder.)

AvPD isolates you from being truly connected, being part of the world.

It keeps you from creating trust-filled, satisfying relationships.

It also keeps you from connecting with yourself, like I wrote about in another post.

It keeps you from truly feeling -- and even sometimes recognizing -- your own emotions, your own wishes.

Most of all, being this way hurts.

Avoiding our feelings and being detached from ourselves is not normal.

And just like the pain of a physical injury, this pain is a reaction that comes from seeking wholeness. It’s calling attention to a real problem.

It’s okay to try and fix the problem.

It’s okay to pay attention to how you feel.

Even if it’s negative.

Yes! Even if it’s absolutely terrible.

Ignoring bad feelings is sometimes necessary for survival. And if it is for you right now, you probably already know it. That’s okay, and you can probably still do a lot of these things.

Remember: There’s no right or wrong way to heal.

Find a place where you can be absolutely alone, on purpose.

A place where there isn’t anyone who will judge you or make fun of you -- a place just for you, like a private journal or sketchbook or blog. Even the best option will probably feel kind of uncomfortable, so don’t obsess over finding the perfect outlet for this!

Do whatever you can to make it feel safe and out of reach from everyone.

And then spend time there, regularly.

Once you get used to it, try noticing what it’s like to not have anybody looking over your shoulder.

Can you even imagine it? It’s a terrible contradiction that we spend so much time alone, but so little time feeling un-watched. Free of observers and judging eyes.

See if you can get to know your feelings.

Within the protection of your solitude, try writing about your feelings. Or drawing or singing or collaging about them -- whatever works for you.

It doesn’t have to be pretty, and it’s okay if it doesn’t feel natural. It’s a skill, and you have to gain proficiency just like with any other skill. You'll get there; it doesn’t matter how slow or fast that happens.

As long as you’re trying, you’re making progress.

If you learn one tiny thing about yourself, or if you get a little more used to expressing yourself -- then it’s a success.

Experiment with being nice to yourself sometimes.

This is so, so hard, and it’s okay if you’re not ready to try.

But when you are, just try being kind to yourself. Try being gentle. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt once in a while.

And if you can’t do it, try not to hate yourself too much for failing. It’s OK -- if "official permission” existed, this would be it: You don’t have to punish yourself.

Do things that feel good.

Just because they feel good. It’s OK to do that.

In particular, look for things that just sound like they would be nice, right about now. Something that you just ... feel like doing.

Even if it’s only a tiny thing, like making yourself a cup of tea, or taking a nice bath, or re-reading your favorite book.

Learn what it feels like to want something, and learn what it’s like to give yourself something good.

Try to consciously look for “wins.”

After doing anything, if you find yourself retracing your mistakes, blaming yourself, or feeling sick and anxious and guilty -- take a minute to redirect your thoughts.

Ask yourself: what went right? In what ways did I succeed?

It doesn’t matter if your brain is throwing lots of fails and embarrassment at you; that’s like a TV channel that never turns off. You don’t have to pay attention to it all the time. Just, when you have the energy to, deliberately focus on the good anyway.

The smallest success still counts: “Hey, I remembered what building my class is in! I was basically on time! I didn’t trip over anyone! I learned something!” Even if you have to name truly silly things for “wins,” start with those.

The point is giving yourself credit, instead of bringing yourself down.

And you might be surprised at how well things actually went -- when you start looking at how well they went, instead of how badly.

These things are the heart of recovering from AvPD...

...in my opinion, and in my own experience. Because this is how you recover your self-esteem.

The simple way to see AvPD is that other people judge and hurt us.

But the more complex truth is that their judgment only has the power to affect us that much, because we’ve never claimed the right to judge for OURSELVES.

We never learned to like ourselves, or to be kind to ourselves. We never learned to take care of ourselves. To own who we are, as human beings. To decide OUR OWN value.

That takes some intense courage. But you don’t have to do it all at once.

Every single thing I listed here is about:

reclaiming your inner life for yourself,

finding your feelings and wishes again,

practicing taking care of your feelings.

Taking care of yourself means healing shame. It means giving yourself value.

We all need to be validated, listened to, cared for, and given positive value. We need dignity.

But when you can give those things to yourself in abundance, you don’t have to rely on other people’s scraps for your self-esteem.

And that’s how you get free. The fear will still be there. But it won’t control you.

gentle reminders in case you need it:

it’s ok to start “late”

drink water if you haven’t for hours

it’s ok if u need more time than other people

it’s ok to feel what you’re feeling

you have a cute smile

you make people happy

you have plenty of good traits

you are loved

you deserve all the good things

it’s ok if you relapse, it doesn’t make u weak

bad days are just temporary

tomorrow is a new day

you can heal again

I’m proud of you

i went out to the cinema with my mum and my friend yesterday and i was pretty fine i didnt rlly struggle with it like i thought i would when a few hours before leaving i felt physically ill and extremely exhausted just because i knew it was coming. and now i feel like im spiraling im dissociated and i feel like im faking everything because how can i be mentally ill when i left the house for the first time in weeks and was fine? does it mean im faking?

Hello anon! No, that definitely doesn’t mean you’re faking.

I can think of a couple different things that might explain it.

Anticipatory anxiety

It sounds like your anxiety before the event was worse than it was during it.

Sometimes, the wait before a distressing thing can be much harder than actually going through it. That’s common, and it’s an okay way to feel. (In fact, for me personally, that’s the main way my anxiety presents itself.)

Modifying factors

Maybe you felt comfortable, because your mom and your friend were there.

Maybe you were enjoying the cinema so much, you didn’t feel distressed.

Maybe after all the anxiety beforehand, you were just too exhausted to freak out anymore.

Or maybe you were slightly dissociated – just enough to take the edge off and allow you to function semi-normally.

Symptoms can vary from day to day

The thing about our brains & minds is that they don’t really follow any rules. They just do whatever works best in the moment.

And what works best can vary a lot from day to day. Sometimes it’s easier (or harder) to cope, due to other factors. So your symptoms or issues can fluctuate, too.

That doesn’t mean “nothing’s wrong with you” – it doesn’t mean your mental illness is imaginary, or that it’s disappeared. And it doesn’t mean you’re faking.

It just means that on this day, for some reason that may or may not be obvious, you were able to handle that outing more easily than you expected.

That’s not a guarantee that you’ll always be able to do it so easily, and other people shouldn’t assume it is.

The best we can do is look at our patterns over time, try to understand what conditions are best for us – what we need in order to function best & be happy – and work on feeling okay giving that to ourselves.

Rebound dissociation

Earlier in my life, I’d dissociate under stress.

But in some situations, it was more protective to fawn and comply. So while I was there, I’d act super friendly, engaged and responsive, for hours at a time.

And as soon as I got out of the situation, I’d shut down and dissociate completely. I couldn’t move, talk, or think. Once my stress level was low enough to tolerate, I’d “come down” from the dissociation.

At first, I resisted the shutdown because it was terrifying and silent and awful. But when I stopped fighting it, I found myself recovering more quickly, because I wasn’t adding to the stress. So I started thinking of it as “resting” and “re-stabilizing.”

A similar thing still happens when I get overstimulated by light, noise, or other people’s emotions: I naturally withdraw into myself until I can regroup.

It’s possible you also experienced that during/after the cinema.

You might have been overwhelmed by sensory stuff from being in public, other people’s feelings and reactions, or your own feelings. Or maybe you were just totally exhausted.

Dissociation is a coping mechanism

The important thing to know is that dissociation is a self-protective act. It’s not always the BEST coping mechanism you could use, but it is one, and it works. It shields you from overwhelming feelings until you have the resources to deal with them.

If you’re dissociating, it’s probably because you’re having a hard time right now.

That’s the bottom line. So when you’re ready to take care of your feelings, anything you can do to help yourself feel calmer, comforted, soothed, and grounded, isgoing to help.

It may not feel comfortable at first – after all, when you’re dissociated, it’s because you’re afraid to feel – but if you’re ready to come back to yourself, then go ahead, even though it feels awkward and hard. You’ll be okay.

When you find yourself dissociated, try and be gentle with yourself. Don’t judge or hate on yourself for it. Just be a little nicer than usual. Take care of yourself and your poor stressed-out brain.

You can take a nap, do a nice sensory thing like a scented bath or shower, cuddle with a pet, listen to music that you love, give yourself a hand or foot massage, write in a journal, do a guided meditation, or anything that you find restorative and calming.

Basically, anything that reminds you “hey, sometimes being in the moment actually feels okay.”

Right now, it’s probably really hard, but that doesn’t mean it will be this way forever. Over time, you’ll be able to handle it more easily and comfortably. 

Thanks for writing to me, and I hope you feel much better soon! <3

I feel like narcissistic mothers go together with avoidant children like peanut butter and jelly. Actually, narcissistic mothers go together with a lot of things, kind of like you can have peanut butter and bananas, peanut butter and honey, peanut butter and marshmallow fluff…

“Loneliness does not come from having no people around one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”

— Carl Jung

“Darling, you deserve it all. You deserve love and peace and magic and joy dancing in your eyes. You deserve hearty, deep-belly laughter and the right to let those tears fall and water the soil. You deserve freedom and goodness and company and days of bliss and quiet too. You deserve you happy and healed and content and open. So keep going, darling. Keep going.”

— Unknown

september will be kind. september will be magical. september will bring the missing energy. september will be working towards our goals and self. september will be a month full of growth.

Always defend your right to heal at your own pace. You are taking your time. You are allowed to take your time.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)