Anytime We Drag Our Past Into The Future, We Have Some Grieving To Do. When We Refuse To Grieve, It Slows

How to Keep it Together During the Pandemic

We’re living through a scary and unpredictable global event right now, and you may be having a hard time coping. There’s a lot of advice flying around the internet right now about how to manage your mental health during this crisis - unfortunately, a lot of that advice assumes that you are an upper-middle-class person quarantined in comfortable conditions, and that your biggest issue right now is boredom or low productivity. 

But what are you supposed to do if your issues with this pandemic run a little deeper than that? What if you were barely hanging on by a thread before this pandemic struck, and now you feel like you’re in free-fall? What if you are an essential worker being run ragged at an understaffed job? What if your biggest issue right now is not “how do I make this pandemic a productive time for me, creatively and spiritually” but “how do I convince myself to keep living until this is over”? I won’t pretend to have all the answers - I don’t think anyone does - but I do have a few tips to help you get through this thing without coming completely unraveled:

Focus on your physical needs right now. From now until this pandemic ends, you are effectively a Sim. Your main job right now is to make sure that all your little mood bars are full - just like Sims, people under severe stress can’t even begin to cope with it until all of their very basic needs are met. Now is not the time to worry about things like productivity and personal fulfillment - your focus right now is on whether you need a snack, shower, or to change into some more comfortable pants. 

Stock up on easy-to-prepare foods that are high in protein. Not everyone has the time or motivation to be cooking artisan sourdough bread in quarantine. If you aren’t able to cook healthy meals for yourself, just focus on getting at least three solid sources of protein every day - protein makes you feel fuller and more alert, and is a better choice than low-protein snacks like potato chips if you’re struggling to eat every day. Look for things that require little or no effort to make - granola bars, roasted nuts, peanut butter, cheese, canned beans in sauce, eggs, canned tuna and beef jerky are solid choices.

Do a fifteen-minute ‘declutter’ every day. Cleaning may seem like a pretty daunting task right now, and you may not have the time or energy to do it. But living in filthy surroundings takes an enormous toll on your mental health, and it can be overwhelming if you let things get too bad. Take just fifteen minutes per day to deal with the obvious stuff - bag up the garbage, take all the dirty dishes out of your bedroom, wipe up obvious spills, throw out rotting food and put the dirty laundry in a hamper. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be livable. 

Make sure you are accessing whatever relief programs are available to you. Several countries and states have set up financial relief programs, loan payment deferrals, and other programs to help people get through this tough time. If you are struggling to pay your bills, call your providers and ask if your payment can be deferred or reduced. If you did not previously qualify for local programs, check back regularly - eligibility is changing all the time. 

Find effective distractions. Find things that take your mind off of your anxieties, even for a short time. These don’t have to be educational or have any self-improvement value whatsoever. If watching  old Jerry Springer re-runs at jet-engine volume is what gets your mind off your worries for an hour, then that’s what you’re going to watch. Whether it’s video games, reality TV shows or hours upon hours of YouTube ‘haul’ videos, the only thing that matters is that it distracts you.

Limit your exposure to the news. Watching people speculate wildly for hours about how bad the pandemic will be and how many people will die is not healthy. The basic information about this pandemic has not changed - it’s bad, it’s contagious, you need to wash your hands and stay inside as much as possible. Check the news only for genuinely important public health updates, and then turn it off. Obsessing does not change what’s happening, and it does not improve your mental health. 

Let friends and family know that you may be in and out. Maintaining relationships requires a lot of energy that you may not have right now, and responding to everyone’s messages quickly might just not be possible right now. Let your family and friends know that you care about them, but that you’re going through a lot right now and you might be spotty about answering their messages. Try to have at least some social contact every day with the people who are most important to you, but don’t pressure yourself to keep up with everyone right now. 

Block or mute people who share unhelpful ‘motivational’ content on your timeline. You don’t need to be reminded four times per day that Shakespeare wrote King Lear in quarantine. Shakespeare didn’t have to work a minimum-wage job at the grocery store while people screamed at him because the place had run out of flour. We all have self-righteous people on our social media feeds right now who are lecturing others about the need to “maximize” their time and relentlessly pursue self-improvement during quarantine. You don’t need that right now. Mute ‘em. 

If you need to pretend the pandemic isn’t happening for a few hours, go for it. Contrary to popular belief, dissociation is not always a bad thing - it’s one of the most basic emotional defense mechanisms we have. If dealing with the reality of the pandemic is too much for you right now, then put your mind somewhere else. Pretend you are the hero of a dystopian novel, or an early settler who has to figure out how to feed her family with limited food supplies. You can mentally deal with the enormity of the pandemic after it’s over - for now, find whatever narrative helps you get through this while still following public health guidelines. 

Access domestic violence resources if you need them. If you are quarantined in a violent situation situation and you feel your safety is in danger, please remember that domestic violence shelters are still open and they are still taking new clients. If you have a family member or friend that you can stay with, that’s also a good option - the health risks of breaking quarantine to move in with a friend are not as serious as the health risks of remaining in an abusive and violent household. 

If you need a prescription refill, make arrangements well before you run out of medication. Doctors’ visits for non-essential appointments are seriously limited right now. If you know that you are almost out of prescription refills, call your doctor’s office well ahead of time to let them know, and see if they can renew your prescription without an appointment, or if they can conduct an appointment over Zoom or via phone call. Medical professionals are extremely busy right now, so it’s important to make arrangements well in advance to make sure you don’t run out of your medication. 

Let someone know if you need to be checked on. If you know you aren’t doing well but you don’t necessarily have the energy to talk about it, just let someone close to you know that you would like them to check on you - this could be a weekly check-in to see how you’re doing, a daily reminder that you need to eat dinner, or having them remind you to go to bed if they see you online past a certain time. Figure out what you need, and communicate your needs to someone you can trust. 

Find one thing to look forward to every day. Find one tiny thing about tomorrow that’s not going to suck, and hang onto it. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. Maybe you’re going to have a can of your favourite soda, or watch an episode of your favourite show. Maybe you’re going to call a friend or read another chapter of a book you’re enjoying. Find something that you can latch onto as a reason to get up tomorrow, no matter how small. 

Let yourself rest. If you find that you need a lot more sleep than you normally do, that’s totally fine, and you shouldn’t feel bad or guilty about it. Living in a constant state of high stress is exhausting, and you may find that you need a lot of rest. If you don’t have the energy to do much more than sit in front of the TV and do a few basic chores, that’s fine - you don’t actually need to be spending your spare time reading War and Peace or learning to play the mandolin. If you need rest, let your mind and body rest. 

Just get through the rest of today. If getting through the rest of the pandemic seems daunting or overwhelming, don’t focus on that. Focusing on getting through the rest of the day. And then tomorrow, get up and do the same thing all over again. Take this situation one day at a time - the key to enduring this is not figuring out how to sustain your mental health for six months all at once, but to focus on sustaining your mental health just for the rest of the day, over and over again. 

This pandemic is a scary thing for a lot of people, and we don’t yet know how this will play out or when it will end. But we do know that it will end someday. Do the best you can to take care of yourself, no matter what your circumstances are - we will get through this. 

Hi! Hope you don’t mind if I take a different angle here:

It is absolutely possible to experience some symptoms but not all, and still need and deserve help.

I’m kind of inferring, Anon, so this might not be what you’re talking about. Let me say up front that if you want to pursue an official diagnosis, for any reason, that’s totally fine!

But also?

You don’t have to be diagnosed for your struggle to be valid. 

You don’t even have to be diagnosable.

And you don’t have to reach a “bad enough” point before you deserve to feel better.

Our culture puts forward the idea that only some people – people with Real Problems™ – get to have feelings, need help, or spend time trying to be happy. But that’s complete nonsense. Everyone needs to do those things, and everyone deserves to.

It’s okay to recognize how miserable you feel, or admit how much you’re struggling! You’re allowed to care about being happy.

You’re a good enough, real enough, valid enough person already. Your feelings matter. You matter -- and you don’t have to do anything to “earn” that, or to deserve to feel better and be happy.

Now…

Having a name for a specific condition or group of conditions, like AvPD and PD’s in general, is useful because similar problems usually behave in similar ways. (And honestly! So many PD’s have overlap!)

These labels aren’t a permanent stamp of “Here’s What’s Wrong With You.” They exist basically to point you in the right direction – to help you understand what’s happening, and which treatments are likely to help you.

If you relate to the experiences of people with AvPD, then the treatments that help AvPD will probably help you, too. Even if you never meet the official criteria for “having the disorder.”

Maybe you’re just Avoidant-ish … but you might discover that solutions like DBT, self-care, and social support still work really well to help you function and live the way you want.

The most important thing is finding things that work for you. And maybe getting an official diagnosis is part of that process for you. If so, that’s fantastic, good luck! But, it’s not a prerequisite.

You’re allowed to need help at any point, so don’t wait for that moment before you start to work on getting better. We are all learning, growing and trying to take care of ourselves. And you belong here just as much as the rest of us.

<3

is it possible to experience some symptoms of avpd (or any pd) but not all and still have avpd? (it's ok if not, you don't need to spare my feelings haha)

Hello. 

Yes and no. It depends what you mean. The current diagnostic criteria states 4 out of 7 symptoms need to be present in order for a formal diagnosis plus the general PD criteria. You definitely don’t need all of them but you do need 4 or more. For more information, visit our What Is AvPD? page.

- Jay. 

One of the most challenging things I’ve had to learn is that healing must be intentional. There is no one golden day that comes and saves you from all your misery. Healing is a practice. You have to decide that it’s what you want to do and actively do it. You have to make a habit out of it. Once I learned that, I only looked back to see how far I came.

It’s okay to be annoyed at social distancing. It’s okay to be disappointed your favorite event was canceled or frustrated with online classes or online work. It’s okay, feel the way you’re feeling, we need room for that.

But remember, herd action is a powerful thing, we aren’t doing this for just you or me or one single person. We’re doing this for the elderly and immunecompromised, we’re doing this for the health care professionals so they don’t get too overwhelmed. We’re doing this for more than just ourselves. This is collective action at work.

And it is the group that lifts that barn when no one person can

it is the group that takes turns talking to the man down during the worst day of his life

it’s the group that gets out the wet wipes and quietly takes down hate symbols

and we don’t do that for ourselves. We do that because there is a love for strangers, a love for people we don’t know, and a dedication to others that is more than just “me” and “survive” and us vs them.

It is easy to feel alone in these times when we are literally meant to be alone, but this too is a means of care, this too is an act of love. And I think, I really do, I think that’s worth holding onto.

“I love you and everything will be okay.” -me to myself

i went out to the cinema with my mum and my friend yesterday and i was pretty fine i didnt rlly struggle with it like i thought i would when a few hours before leaving i felt physically ill and extremely exhausted just because i knew it was coming. and now i feel like im spiraling im dissociated and i feel like im faking everything because how can i be mentally ill when i left the house for the first time in weeks and was fine? does it mean im faking?

Hello anon! No, that definitely doesn’t mean you’re faking.

I can think of a couple different things that might explain it.

Anticipatory anxiety

It sounds like your anxiety before the event was worse than it was during it.

Sometimes, the wait before a distressing thing can be much harder than actually going through it. That’s common, and it’s an okay way to feel. (In fact, for me personally, that’s the main way my anxiety presents itself.)

Modifying factors

Maybe you felt comfortable, because your mom and your friend were there.

Maybe you were enjoying the cinema so much, you didn’t feel distressed.

Maybe after all the anxiety beforehand, you were just too exhausted to freak out anymore.

Or maybe you were slightly dissociated – just enough to take the edge off and allow you to function semi-normally.

Symptoms can vary from day to day

The thing about our brains & minds is that they don’t really follow any rules. They just do whatever works best in the moment.

And what works best can vary a lot from day to day. Sometimes it’s easier (or harder) to cope, due to other factors. So your symptoms or issues can fluctuate, too.

That doesn’t mean “nothing’s wrong with you” – it doesn’t mean your mental illness is imaginary, or that it’s disappeared. And it doesn’t mean you’re faking.

It just means that on this day, for some reason that may or may not be obvious, you were able to handle that outing more easily than you expected.

That’s not a guarantee that you’ll always be able to do it so easily, and other people shouldn’t assume it is.

The best we can do is look at our patterns over time, try to understand what conditions are best for us – what we need in order to function best & be happy – and work on feeling okay giving that to ourselves.

Rebound dissociation

Earlier in my life, I’d dissociate under stress.

But in some situations, it was more protective to fawn and comply. So while I was there, I’d act super friendly, engaged and responsive, for hours at a time.

And as soon as I got out of the situation, I’d shut down and dissociate completely. I couldn’t move, talk, or think. Once my stress level was low enough to tolerate, I’d “come down” from the dissociation.

At first, I resisted the shutdown because it was terrifying and silent and awful. But when I stopped fighting it, I found myself recovering more quickly, because I wasn’t adding to the stress. So I started thinking of it as “resting” and “re-stabilizing.”

A similar thing still happens when I get overstimulated by light, noise, or other people’s emotions: I naturally withdraw into myself until I can regroup.

It’s possible you also experienced that during/after the cinema.

You might have been overwhelmed by sensory stuff from being in public, other people’s feelings and reactions, or your own feelings. Or maybe you were just totally exhausted.

Dissociation is a coping mechanism

The important thing to know is that dissociation is a self-protective act. It’s not always the BEST coping mechanism you could use, but it is one, and it works. It shields you from overwhelming feelings until you have the resources to deal with them.

If you’re dissociating, it’s probably because you’re having a hard time right now.

That’s the bottom line. So when you’re ready to take care of your feelings, anything you can do to help yourself feel calmer, comforted, soothed, and grounded, isgoing to help.

It may not feel comfortable at first – after all, when you’re dissociated, it’s because you’re afraid to feel – but if you’re ready to come back to yourself, then go ahead, even though it feels awkward and hard. You’ll be okay.

When you find yourself dissociated, try and be gentle with yourself. Don’t judge or hate on yourself for it. Just be a little nicer than usual. Take care of yourself and your poor stressed-out brain.

You can take a nap, do a nice sensory thing like a scented bath or shower, cuddle with a pet, listen to music that you love, give yourself a hand or foot massage, write in a journal, do a guided meditation, or anything that you find restorative and calming.

Basically, anything that reminds you “hey, sometimes being in the moment actually feels okay.”

Right now, it’s probably really hard, but that doesn’t mean it will be this way forever. Over time, you’ll be able to handle it more easily and comfortably. 

Thanks for writing to me, and I hope you feel much better soon! <3

AvPD theory: social perfectionism

Avoidance as social perfectionism.

“This relationship will be doomed from the start … so there’s no point trying to make friends.”

“I’ll inevitably say stuff wrong and make things awkward … so there’s no point in starting a conversation.”

“I might be having a good day, but I won’t always be energetic, clever and likable … so there’s no point in reaching out.”

These examples share some common links:

negative self-esteem

avoidance of anxiety/discomfort

seeking control and certainty

trying to meet others’ expectations, or avoid disappointing them

Thoughts, anybody?

(more here!)

I love writing so much, everyone. So so much. This makes 2 good things I've written today, and I just want to cry with how much I feel like a Real Person who, somehow, mysteriously, is "meaningful" and "connected-to-people." (whatever those words even mean? I am sure they must mean something, but I couldn't tell you what) I only started feeling this way recently, I guess, and I've been craving it my whole life, and it's just really big. Really big feelings. Okay!

Hey friend, in case no one told you today:

I just thought it may be a good time to tell you that you did great today. Even if things weren’t perfect, you did your best.

I see your hard work and I see how much it took to do the thing. Great job!

I’m really proud of you.

The one thing you can control is how you treat yourself. And that one thing can change everything.

Leeana Tankersley (via psych2go)