AvPD Theory: Social Dysregulation

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

Shout out to people like me who have parents who are loving but are black holes of emotional labor… It took me a long time to realize that it’s okay to have mixed feelings about your parents, about your relationship with them.

Sometimes parents can love you but be somewhat toxic to you and your growth, and that’s a very hard realization to come to if you, like me, grew up extremely close to them.

Sometimes parents can love you genuinely but lack emotional maturity, forcing you to perform disproportionate amounts of emotional labor. Some parents manifest symptoms of their mental illness in ways that are toxic to your mental illness.

Some parents, like mine, try so hard to be good parents but fall back on habits of emotional manipulation because they haven’t processed their own traumas and are modeling behavior they grew up with. That doesn’t make their behavior acceptable, and it’s okay to feel exhausted and hurt when they betray you. You don’t have to forgive every mistake.

I want you to know that it’s okay to protect yourself, to need some space apart from them. The love you have for your parents is still valid, and you are making the right decision.

Placing a safe emotional distance between myself and my parents has been one of the most difficult, heartbreaking processes I’ve ever gone through… it hurts to try to curb the strength of your own natural empathy around people you love. It feels disingenuous to your heart’s natural state.

But I promise you, you are not hard-hearted or ungrateful, and you are not abandoning them. You are making a decision about your own emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

I know what it’s like in that confusing grey area of love mixed with guilt and anxiety, of exhaustion and quasi-manipulation and unreciprocated emotional labor, and I promise you, you are not alone.

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

if you miss someone who does not miss you, or who is no good for you, or is unattainable, take all the love you once felt for them and spread it around other places. put your love in worthwhile people and things, turn the romance in to passions for hobbies or admiration for others- enrich your own life. focus on yourself and those who actively make you happy.

AvPD theory: social perfectionism

Avoidance as social perfectionism.

“This relationship will be doomed from the start ... so there’s no point trying to make friends.”

“I’ll inevitably say stuff wrong and make things awkward ... so there’s no point in starting a conversation.”

“I might be having a good day, but I won’t always be energetic, clever and likable ... so there’s no point in reaching out.”

These examples share some common links:

negative self-esteem

avoidance of anxiety/discomfort

seeking control and certainty

trying to meet others’ expectations, or avoid disappointing them

Thoughts, anybody?

(more here!)

It doesn’t make you unlovable or a horrible person if you don’t have many friends. It can be difficult to meet new people if you’re shy or quiet or have anxiety. It can be difficult to stay in touch with people if you can’t find the time or energy to remain in contact. It can be difficult to make new friends if you struggle to find people you click with or who are interested in the same things as you. None of those things mean you’re unlovable. 

Sometimes I forget about the magic. Like the moon and red leaves and how the apples grow again and again outside my windows.

Sabrina Ward Harrison (via julesofnature)

There’s no secret or magic solution to your mental health. Some days will be rough even when you’re doing your best and practicing all the coping techniques you can. Don’t despair, it happens! Things will get better again soon. ♡

Chibird store | Positive Pin Club | Webtoon

there’s something about living life deliberately…wearing clothes that you actually want to and that you feel reflect you and your style not just because you’ve had them for years and don’t know what else you would throw on….listening to songs and creating playlists that excite you and represent your actual mood not just listening to songs that you’ve had downloaded for years that don’t make you feel anything special anymore…it’s VERY easy to stay with what you’re comfortable and it might take a bit of experimenting before you find what feels like a deliberate choice that reflects more of YOU but it’s absolutely worth the leap of faith you may have to convince yourself to make in order to stop feeling like a passenger in your own life

^NPR link.

Under the rules of the order, renters have to sign a declaration saying they don't make more than $99,000 a year — or twice that if filing a joint tax return — and that they have no other option if evicted other than homelessness or living with more people in close proximity.

There is an EVICTION MORATORIUM in the entire U.S. until the new year, but you MUST declare it to your landlord in order for it to be effective.  This does not cancel your rent, but it will delay a potential eviction.  PLEASE share this info so that those who need it, have it, bc they aren’t being vocal in promoting this.

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