Your Mixed Feelings About Your Parents Are Valid.

Hi! Hope you don’t mind if I take a different angle here:

It is absolutely possible to experience some symptoms but not all, and still need and deserve help.

I’m kind of inferring, Anon, so this might not be what you’re talking about. Let me say up front that if you want to pursue an official diagnosis, for any reason, that’s totally fine!

But also?

You don’t have to be diagnosed for your struggle to be valid. 

You don’t even have to be diagnosable.

And you don’t have to reach a “bad enough” point before you deserve to feel better.

Our culture puts forward the idea that only some people – people with Real Problems™ – get to have feelings, need help, or spend time trying to be happy. But that’s complete nonsense. Everyone needs to do those things, and everyone deserves to.

It’s okay to recognize how miserable you feel, or admit how much you’re struggling! You’re allowed to care about being happy.

You’re a good enough, real enough, valid enough person already. Your feelings matter. You matter -- and you don’t have to do anything to “earn” that, or to deserve to feel better and be happy.

Now…

Having a name for a specific condition or group of conditions, like AvPD and PD’s in general, is useful because similar problems usually behave in similar ways. (And honestly! So many PD’s have overlap!)

These labels aren’t a permanent stamp of “Here’s What’s Wrong With You.” They exist basically to point you in the right direction – to help you understand what’s happening, and which treatments are likely to help you.

If you relate to the experiences of people with AvPD, then the treatments that help AvPD will probably help you, too. Even if you never meet the official criteria for “having the disorder.”

Maybe you’re just Avoidant-ish … but you might discover that solutions like DBT, self-care, and social support still work really well to help you function and live the way you want.

The most important thing is finding things that work for you. And maybe getting an official diagnosis is part of that process for you. If so, that’s fantastic, good luck! But, it’s not a prerequisite.

You’re allowed to need help at any point, so don’t wait for that moment before you start to work on getting better. We are all learning, growing and trying to take care of ourselves. And you belong here just as much as the rest of us.

<3

is it possible to experience some symptoms of avpd (or any pd) but not all and still have avpd? (it's ok if not, you don't need to spare my feelings haha)

Hello. 

Yes and no. It depends what you mean. The current diagnostic criteria states 4 out of 7 symptoms need to be present in order for a formal diagnosis plus the general PD criteria. You definitely don’t need all of them but you do need 4 or more. For more information, visit our What Is AvPD? page.

- Jay. 

Ah the free market at work. (Similar to when I went to CVS to pickup a 90$ prescription and they had their own generic version for 7.99).

AvPD theory: social dysregulation

Part of Avoidant Personality Disorder is like ... a failure to regulate social experiences. Like we don’t properly integrate or process what we feel.

Interacting with someone means feeling visible, connected, and like you are a self-among-selves: you’re existing as a person, in the presence of others.

Most folks, of course, can handle that effortlessly. They even seek it out.

People need social ‘background noise’ and social stimulation.

They reach out easily and often, just because it feels good to them.

Socializing gives them a sense of comfortable connectedness. And relief from isolation -- they don’t “exist in a vacuum.”

It helps smooth out their inner experiences, thoughts and feelings.

But with AvPD, I don’t think we process social input normally.

The sensations of interacting don’t feel like how most people feel them. Being visible, connected, a person -- it just seems dangerous and harsh.

And we can’t put these feelings into context.

We can’t step back from them, or control how much they affect us.

We don’t have the ability to regulate what we’re experiencing.

That means nearly all social stimuli are negative to us, whether friend or foe. Being-in-contact-with-people is all it takes to distress us.

It’s overwhelming and de-stabilizing.

It provokes more big feelings, and reactions we don’t feel safe facing.

Our inner experience is turned into chaos.

We’re left feeling helpless, afraid, inexplicably ashamed.

We want positive connection. But we usually end up with painful chaos instead.

And it’s a thousand times worse if you’re having an actually negative encounter, like facing someone who’s angry or criticizing you.

Social perfectionism is about trying to escape this:

“I might be able to enjoy this thing... but only if nothing goes wrong ever.”

Perfectionism is a great misdirect. Because “every possible problem” is not the issue that needs solving.

What we need to do, is learn how to experience social input in a positive way. And un-learn all the bad habits that have grown instead.

(more here!)

This is the most amazing feeling, it really truly is. And when you find a person who gives you that experience, you’ll want to hold onto them forever.

But although you might consider them magical, it isn’t really coming from them. It’s you. You brought something real into world, out into the open, and that is a powerful act. You enabled that moment of truth and vulnerability and healing to occur. It couldn’t have happened without you: your choice, your courage, your presence.

So that person isn’t the only source of acceptance, resonance, and true connection. Because you carry the potential for it with you, every day.

And there are many amazing people in the world. People who will respond with warmth and steadiness to your dark secrets and your truths -- if you can dare to show them.

Learning to receive that from a variety of people is ... difficult. And beautiful, and empowering. It means learning to let them in, to let in the love that’s around you.

avpd concept: I tell someone everything I’ve been too afraid to say my entire life and they don’t think I’m a monster. They don’t run away. They stay. And that means I can finally stop running, too

Hm... I definitely have some dependent traits. But some borderline traits, too, and a few NPD.

(I have a theory that AvPD, BPD and NPD are different expressions of the same core issue. They all circle around a very particular kind of shame, which is why we can all learn a lot from each other. I’ll have to do more research before I can figure out if DPD fits the same pattern though)

I believe I have both avpd and dpd, but it's kind of confusing for me. Do you think that's possible, and if so how do you think a person with both would behave (for comparison to myself)?

I think DPD is confusing for a lot of people, so don’t worry, you’re not alone in that. But AvPD and DPD is actually a really common co-morbidity, as you can see by the data at this link: here. (Beware of Out of the FOG in general, but it’s the only site that has statistical data on these things.) Plus, PDs are most co-morbid with other ones in the same cluster.

Someone with both AvPD and DPD would probably have a pronounced relationship with a “safe person”, I imagine. Who in this case would also be what I think the majority of the DPD community refers to as their “depended”. But while most people with DPD seek validation and dependence from many people, and rely on the opinions of others for whatever they do, I think people with AvPD as well would mainly focus on the one person, and be terrified of engaging with others, even if they wanted to.

But experiences will vary, as they always do. There are a myriad of experiences for any disorder, so matter what the clinical expectation is. Some people suffer from some symptoms more than others.

I hope that helps!

- Shinji

This is a first and foremost a disability blog, and I saw a post regarding these protests that I knew I would have to address at some point. I know that all kinds of people follow me and this message is for all of you:

Social Media activism has its role, but a limited effect. You can do far more by donating to a legit movement than by reposting every little post about these protests. You can be aware of what’s going on, do your part, and still take care of your mental and physical health.

I know that the favorite line in response to acknowledging these limits is “black people can’t take a break from racism” which I agree but I also don’t get to take a break from ableism, sexism and classism. They’re soul crushing too. Just being physically disabled means I can’t even get up for my own rights, meanwhile I have severe anxiety that I know is worsened by gluing myself to world events.

Some of those people who need to step away do deal with racism. And by suggesting non black people can only support black lives by creating undue anxiety that can in effect cripple our ability to actually do something substantive is nonsense. It’s a guilt tripping performance of ideological purity, and downright harmful to all people no matter their identity.

Everyone needs a break, even those on the front lines, or your movement will die from pure exhaustion. So my fellow anxiety sufferers, you are not in any way letting black lives down because you aren’t rebloggong posts. I’m more concerned with donating if you can, and your vote this November. You can do so much more with those tools than any mindless page sharing.

Stay updated, stay involved, and don’t be ashamed for taking mental health breaks because by doing so you can be a more effective supporter. Right now there is a long YouTube art piece going around to raise funds for BLM movements though ad revenue, which I will Reblog again immediately after this post. Doing things like that is far more helpful than rebloggong every single protest post. You don’t have to do that no matter how many people shout out at you that you have no excuse, but they don’t know a thing about your life and what you deal with.

Support where you can but don’t let this become so destructive to your physical and mental health that you can’t even continue your support. We’re all human, we all have unique individual limits, even admidst a protest.

Stay safe, stay healthy, and stay mad about police brutality and racism.

It eventually gets better, without any sort of explanation; you just wake up one morning and you’re not as upset anymore.

Unknown  (via lucite)

Although don't feel bad if it's been a long time and you're still upset! This is a thing that just happens sometimes; and sometimes it happens after a lot of self work. Either is okay. <3

I love writing so much, everyone. So so much. This makes 2 good things I've written today, and I just want to cry with how much I feel like a Real Person who, somehow, mysteriously, is "meaningful" and "connected-to-people." (whatever those words even mean? I am sure they must mean something, but I couldn't tell you what) I only started feeling this way recently, I guess, and I've been craving it my whole life, and it's just really big. Really big feelings. Okay!

AvPD theory: social perfectionism

Avoidance as social perfectionism.

“This relationship will be doomed from the start … so there’s no point trying to make friends.”

“I’ll inevitably say stuff wrong and make things awkward … so there’s no point in starting a conversation.”

“I might be having a good day, but I won’t always be energetic, clever and likable … so there’s no point in reaching out.”

These examples share some common links:

negative self-esteem

avoidance of anxiety/discomfort

seeking control and certainty

trying to meet others’ expectations, or avoid disappointing them

Thoughts, anybody?

(more here!)