Oh My God This Is So Us I Need To Add This To Our Prns.cc STAT

[hey! here's an sa/sexual harassment warning for the tags of my reblog! abide by it!]

being a system has let me be less lonely, more curious, and more informed. i've seen so many terms and flags and even medical labels that i wouldn't have known otherwise. and these parts of mine, regardless of how much they front, let me know — consciously or not — that i will never truly be alone. and my system formed partially from my own loneliness in this world and at the time of it forming. but now, i don't have to worry so much. somewhere, someone will always have my back.

or.. my brain, i guess.

Tell us something positive about your system/alters/headmates/plurality:

We'll go first. If it wasn't for our system and the ability to relieve each other from fronting there's no fucking way we'd be half as functional as we currently are with the excruciating level of pain we're in. So god damn thankful I don't have to do this bullshit alone.

MAY or may NOT be disguising myself as the host to a few people so MUCH that i'm forgetting what my inner voice sounds like... OOPS!!!

and i'm waiting for the host's boyfriend's pure vanilla alter — who i MAY or MAY NOT have a crush on — to edit aer model to show me how he actually looks...

ALSO, have an ugly photo of one of our cats as compensation!!!

oogh. life update + brief system ramblings

i can't believe i'm starting at an alternative school tomorrow! like, holy shit. it's a new environment, for sure — it got me immensely overwhelmed to the point where i started crying. but they have therapy dogs there, a short schedule (by 2 hours, but also i don't move rooms at all during the day), and i won't be able to even bring my phone or disposable vapes onto the campus. they can tell if i do with the metal detector placed in the entrance. but this is way better for me, even if i can't smoke in the bathrooms and spam my mom's number when i get stressed. i have a million problems with public school and how it works, so i guess this is a welcome change. my mom even raised the idea of a hybrid schedule — me being home on wednesdays specifically — if i get too stressed with being in a different school. does anyone have, like. tips for accepting being newly enrolled in an american alternative school? specifying american because i don't really know if they're the same everywhere else. i don't know what my new classes would be, and if they're even the same.

i just know that if i don't go for 75% of the remaining days in the semester, i'll be automatically enrolled back in my normal high school. but i really want to give this alternative schooling thing a try. it might give me a chance to graduate

— in other news... we have a shadow milk cookie fictive (who i will be calling milk for simplicity). yeah. i swear to god he is in love with my boyfriend's pure vanilla introject, who i'll just call by aer nickname, sol — sol's pronouns are he/ae/shy, by the way. i swear to GOD milk is down bad for him. and i almost feel bad 😭 i feel like i'm making milk do this? but i'm not. bro is doing it out of his own volition. milk KNOWS of the shadowvanilla ships. he is probably a shipper himself and just doesn't want to admit it. i just feel almost guilty that poor sol is just seeing this strangely canon-compliant (or at least extremely similar to canon personality) shadow milk take a liking to ae after, in aer source memories, tormenting him. however my boyfriend told me that shy is doing his best to be impartial about it, and i commend ae for it. good job. clap clap clap clap also shadow milk fuck you. you're probably going to pop back into front or at least co-con for a brief few seconds to say some random jester shit to me like Oh My God i Get It you're a faggot and you won't admit it. shut up faggot.

𐙚 ﹐amphisexual

a term for someone whose internal sense of sex/physical sex is both male and female (NOT synonymous with intersexuality)

a subset of transsexual and altersexual. its like duosexual, but i dislike the transmed subreddit it was coined on and i liked "amphi" more as a prefix

intersex people who are altersex and/or feel their sex is male and female due to being intersex may id with the term.. with that being said, this is a general term for anyone whose sex is male and female and is not synonymous to being inersex

my coined term/flag ꒱

long kinda vent ahead hooray. it's kinda system-flavored this time. tastes like lemon. 🍋

sometimes it's really hard being a system, especially one that is so, like, hyper-aware of everything i have. every disorder, every disability. thing is, i can't do anything to fix myself!!

i've literally told my own mother about separate identity states and the memory loss and whatnot. she said to my therapist that i "was right about the dissociative thing," even if we were only diagnosed so far with unspecified dissociative disorder. the dmdd diagnosis typically leads to an adulthood diagnosis of bipolar, which i'm actually scared about. i fit much more into borderline, just like my mom.

ugh, i don't know. i don't even know what i'll be diagnosed with, come adulthood. i mean system-wise. we're a trauma-endo system (which some fuckheads will already think is enough to not warrant a diagnosis, thanks for that) that doesn't switch from the main host a lot. we have good communication when i can switch out from the front, but we don't have complete memory loss. if anything, it's more like emotional amnesia and the memories are kinda gone too, but they can come back at a later date.

for example, our medic fictive had to call the cops (they didn't even do anything either, but it was our mom's last resort) one night at 2 am last year. i don't remember it well, but i remember it happened. he was terrified that night and he couldn't switch out.

but what the fuck could we even be diagnosed with? i want a diagnosis. i want to figure out exactly what is going on with my brain. most of my parts aren't exactly same-y. they're different people, at least most of them are. sure, we have to mask a little bit, but they think and act a little different than me. we have the memory loss, but i've always had a horrid memory, even before our late syscovery in january of 2021. but i sometimes feel like it's not "bad enough" to warrant a full-on did diagnosis.

it just confuses me. a lot of the times before, my mom would see me looking up disorders and go "oh, shi's just looking hirself up again." but i'm just that aware of what's wrong with me. people either see me and disregard my research, or i just don't know how to help myself. those are the 2 results. yes, i have a therapist. yes, i open up to her and she makes me feel safe, much more than any other therapist i've had in the past.

i just don't know how to help myself. to help us. i want to live in functional multiplicity, mostly because i get so tired and i get so lonely. i don't want these people to be gone at all. if anything, they give me someone to talk to, even if our headspace isn't permanent and we don't remember our own conversations, even if we jot them down. my memory absolutely sucks. i can't remember faces, names, or even voices sometimes. i can't remember people.

basically, i love and yet hate being disabled by anything my mind and body throws at me. i like the community, i like learning about myself. i hate the symptoms, i hate the confusion and the doctors not being able to do their fucking job. ahem, looking at you doctors who only tested me for SLEEP APNEA, which i definitely do not have. now they want to test me for narcolepsy... which i probably don't have, either.

sometimes i wish what it was like to be of sound mind and body, even if it was for just one singular day.

"endos make a mockery of REAL systems" "ace people make a mockery of REAL queer people" "nonbinary people make a mockery of REAL trans people" "self-diagnosed people make a mockery of REAL disabled people" "bisexuals make a mockery of REAL gay people" "non-dysphoric trans people make a mockery of REAL trans people" "trans lesbians make a mockery of REAL lesbians"

arent you tired? arent you tired? arent you tired?

getting fixated on an object show character is so hard because it's like Okay. this character is a twist antagonist from the previous season of the show. on a surface level she is manipulative and selfish, but harbours a deep regret for her previous harmful actions that resulted in a close friendship of hers being sabotaged. she introduces herself to a new contestant, initially only helping her for her own gain, but quickly develops an emotional attachment to her as their friendship becomes less transactional and more real, but once again her own toxic behaviour sabotages the only connection she has. she's now drowning completely in her guilt and self-hatred, believing herself to be irredeemably evil.

and then someone says "oh this character is really interesting where's she from!" and you have to say Well actually. She's a

reminds me of that one part we had years ago before our system randomly fused out of nowhere and reset again that was literally just like. stemmed from eating a pretzel? their name was literally pretzel. and they fucking loved pretzels. mostly the stick ones actually

cringe system culture is..

why tf do we have a headmate bc of eating a candy cane?!

~🌑🍄 sys

.

what if i KILL you.

(post by a shadow milk FICTIVE)

so, AFTER seeing my crush redesign a sprite of aerself to fit what he looks like in headspace, i went ahead and did TRIPLE that, because i'm BORED! click BELOW to see my "redesigns" of my subordinates and i.. i guess.

the ONLY one that is BARELY any different from the ACTUAL source is black sapphire. meanwhile, candy apple and i took some LIBERTIES!

this is what sol AND the body's boyfriend (he is ALSO a system) had to say about what I look like. YES, i'm saturated. YES, i'm a faggot. YES, i AM proud!

and DO NOT, i repeat, DO NOT post this to ANY cringe forums! IT'S IN OUR BIO!! this is JUST what i LOOK LIKE! GO AWAY!