Am I The Only One Who Hates The "Richard Pushed Bunny Theory" (⁠*⁠_⁠*⁠)

I genuinely believe the reason Dazai wants to protect Atsushi at all cost is because he has grown to care for him. It's not even because of Oda's promise or because of the huge bounty on Atsushi or even his big bad final boss plan for the future. He sees a little bit of himself in Atsushi, or more likely, the version of him that could have existed if he wasn't fucked up since he was a child.

Dazai admires Atsushi for the person he is, something he himself could never become.

Atsushi is someone innocent, naive, good at heart and caring. Someone that changes other people through his kindness and love. Someone who has gone through so many horrific things and still retains his humanity.

At this point Dazai has completely accepted his love (platonic) for Atsushi and his entire mission hinges on that.

An INTP view of life: part 2

ESFJ: how was school today?

INTP: the usual. I slept through 4 classes, aced the history quiz and skipped P.E by staying in library to "research"

ESFJ: ok, did you make any friends?

INTP: there was this girl in English class who thought my comment on the teacher was really funny.

ESFJ: So you made a friend!

INTP: no I offended her next minute by saying it was really amazing that she could decipher a joke like that.

ESFJ: You know what? You shouldn't try at all

INTP: that's what I keep saying!

...........................................

INFJ: If you look at him more closely it's clear he is in love.

INTP: But the face he is making isn't emotional enough. That's how I look when I wake up in the morning

INFJ: but then the girl told him he has to wait for her!

INTP: which is why he looks like he is in pain

INFJ: then we found out from the inner monologue that he never loved her.

INTP: he was just using her

INFJ: That is so...

INTP: interesting!

INFJ: I was gonna say sad, but ok.

INTP: maybe we are looking too much into it.

INFJ: overthinking is our job.

..........................................

ESFP: ....blah....blah....blah...I went to the room and saw him....blah....blah....no he said...I made dessert.....we laughed so hard.

INTP: hmmm... (what is she talking about?)

ESFP: then she started to complain about her best friend again...like girl if you don't like them don't be friends with them!

INTP: yeah (why I am I even here?)

ESFP: I can't believe he said that to me....that is so rude *cries*

INTP: (she didn't stick with the script, she is crying, what do I do?) There there...*pats ESFP*

ESFP: You are like my favourite person! You are such a great listener. Such a great friend!

INTP: Sure

..........................................

ISTJ: hey you need to clean the room.

INTP: I thought you were doing it.

ISTJ: we share a room. You have to clean your part.

INTP: well if it isn't your part of the room, you don't have to worry about it.

ISTJ: *triggered* but as humans we should keep our surroundings clean and neat.

INTP: are you a human?

ISTJ: yes.

INTP: How do you know? What if this is all a dream and you are just a butterfly that is imagining all these things. Maybe I am not real and just a figment of your imagination. What if you are in a coma and your brain is.....

ISTJ: I'll clean your side. If you just shut your mouth and don't open it again.

INTP: I can do that. Thanks.

...........................................

I am gonna take a break from TSH. Although it was because of that I started this blog. I have been very burned out with that book. I cleaned out my drafts. For the past three years of hyper-fixation made me learn about so many things. I have changed my opinions so much since I made my first post and it made me realise how you not only mature in age but also in your ideas about certain topics and characters.

It won't probably be my final post about TSH, I want to return to it a few years later to see it in a retrospective lens opposed to the rose-tinted one I wore when I completed the book for the first time.

My current thoughts on the characters;

Henry: loved him at first and I love him still. But for different reasons. I loved him when I first read the book because I was too in love with his character to realise the type of person he was. Even agreeing on his terrible decisions (ex: killing Bunny, bacchanal, etc...) but now I love him because he is so unhinged and terrible like the many morally grey/evil characters we all love.

Richard: for some reason I thought he was a good person who got wrapped in all this shit and wasn't bad. Now I think Richard is equally responsible for the tragedy by not reporting a murder and by being an actual accomplice to murder.

Camilla: my thoughts on her have changed the least. At first I used to think she was just the nicest of them. And then it changed to--- she is hiding a secret dark side or more layers we don't get to see.

Francis: I thought he was also the nicest, next to Camilla because he doesn't take any problematic actions. But it is his inability to take actions of his own that makes him bad. Although I still think he is underrated and often misunderstood

Charles: I couldn't stand Charles at first. And I can't just justify everything he did cuz he is terrible. It's just he is often used as a scapegoat to make Henry look better which I hate. He's a menace yes, but so is Henry!!!!!

Julian: I don't have a lot to say cuz we rarely see him. All I can say is he is not the mastermind of the whole story. He's a John Keating gone wrong example.

Bunny: my thoughts on Bunny have changed the most. From HATING him to feeling sympathy and even bad for him. I still won't agree he is somehow the best person out there, cuz he is definitely not. Bunny is hated to an extent that he doesn't deserve. And ounce and for all, he didn't deserve to die (I take back what I said about him in the past)

Judy: ounce a queen 👑 always a queen 👑

So this is it. Thanks TSH for being the bane and reason for my existence since the pandemic.

~ 🕊️

The many stages of depression: (TW)

Depression is one of those feelings that a lot of people have experienced at least sometimes in their lives. It is quite correct to state that everyone at one point in their life have been through it or will go through it. Some get depressed more than others; it could be due to environment, abuse, loss, bullying, mental disorders, stress, poor health, etc.

It is something widely experienced but not widely explained. The mystery of why depression happens to certain people can boil down to their psychological state but should not be considered the single parameter for its existence. Depression like cancer can happen to anyone regardless of any amount of money, status, love or psycological wellness they have. And like Cancer you can't just tell someone with depression to just ignore it or say they are overreacting.

As someone who goes through bouts of seasonal depression and lives in a place where depression is not even considered "real". I have broken down depression according to personal experience into 5 stages.

I am not a medical professional ( I do want to become a psychologist) or someone who can give advice on this topic. But as a patient of depression for around 2 years I can give a little insight into it. Just because I said there are 5 stages doesn’t mean it has to be these stages only, or in the same order.

Here it goes:

1. Anger: just like the stages of grief I always thought the 1st step towards depression starts with anger. It could be outbursts, sudden rage, irritation, annoyance, physical reactions such as intensive urge to kick or punch something (I always have days when I want to burn buildings down and kill my classmates). These reactions can be due to the sudden change in mentality we get before full blown depression kicks in. When we just hate every thing. Everything is stupid. Everyone is being annoying. One of our 1st reactions to anything upsetting is to be mad about it. Depression is not an exception. Anger is where you start. When you start to blame everything around your for causing the pain you are going through. This stage is very important, it is always good to take out your anger before it becomes too much. During this stage I am at my peak of annoyance and can be diabolical.

2. Paranoia: the stage that continues what anger started. This is when realisation kicks in that something is wrong in your mind. You can become paranoid of everything around you. Why is my friend ignoring me for 5 minutes? Why did my parents became quiet when I walked in? Why does it feel like someone is watching me? Why can’t I trust anyone? This is when you are at your peak in terms of insanity. I have been in this stage for the most part of my depressive episodes. Especially as an intuitive, paranoia can be disturbing and harmful to your mental health. It makes you question silly things that don’t even matter for the sake of increasing your blood pressure and start to isolate you from social life. That’s where stage 3 will come

3. Withdrawal: not the withdrawal due to addiction. This is when you start isolating yourself from others. Paranoia put the seed of doubt in your mind about people and how you don’t want them to be near you. People can be a problem sometimes. And this stage is just what being isolated means. This is also the stage people are the most familiar with, because it is often what depression is portrayed as: isolating yourself from other humans as way to build a wall to protect yourself from what paranoia caused. During this time I stop taking calls from my friends, family, anyone. I stop messaging or replying. I often stopped eating with family or having lunch at school with my friends. As an introvert this stage isn’t even that hard, but there is a difference between the choice of isolating yourself because you don’t like to be around strange people and the want to isolate from people you care about.

4. Sadness: the most well known stage of depression, some people mistake it for the definition of depression, which is so wrong. After isolating yourself, you become vulnerable. This is that stage of vulnerability and mostly when people start to have negative thoughts (suicidal thoughts). Sadness itself can’t be explained that well, other than that it leads negativity, hopelessness and the lack of interest in anything cheerful. When I get into this stage, my depression is the most apparent to other people. This is when my mom steps in and ask if things are wrong. And I say #fine when I am so not. Sadness can manifest in tears, coldness, increased self awareness, intrusive and harmful thoughts etc. This is one of the hardest and longest stages to overcome. Yet not as harmful as the next one…

5. Numbness: let me deep breathe before this……this is the most dangerous stage of depression. Every stage before this one had some sort of emotion in it. Anger, paranoia, withdrawn, sadness. But Numbness is the lack of any emotion that can be experienced, even negative ones. You lose all your hope. All your wishes and goals. Everything becomes a barren wasteland of nothingness. The lack of emotions is the worst thing that can happen to you. Just like how you die when your heart stops beating, having numbness to emotions will as in many cases lead to death. Unfortunately, this is the stage when most suicides take places. The inability to have any interest in life and getting overwhelmed from the fact you stopped living the moment you stopped feeling. Have I been in this stage? Yes. But since I am alive there must be a way out of it.

When I said 5 stages of depression, it was meant for those who sadly ended their lives because of it. Stage 6 is for those who made it out alive.

6. Acceptance: again like the stages of grief Depression ends with acceptance. Accepting your problems (I am the problem it's me!), accepting yourself as a problem, accepting help from people who care for you and accepting the little hope left deep down. If you made it to this stage, you are capable of doing anything you want.

Note: You are worth it! (Can't believe I AM saying this) And if you are going through depression or anything related to that, remember that one of reasons to stay alive is to pull revenge on all the people you hate. Maybe in future you can show your haters that the reason they hate you is beacuse of how strong willed you are. You don't have to prove your talents. You don't have to accomplish things to justify your existence. You are here for nobody but yourself. Be selfish, be a bitch and live out the best life there is.

There's no way Rat Man is dead right? He even went out spewing Jesus's line about resurrection.

But I DON'T want Nikolai to be the one who saved Fyodor at the last minute, let it be anyone else (let's say Agatha Christie). Nikolai saving Fyodor will take away all of the emotions of the climax. It was such a sad/heartbreaking moment for Nikolai that Dazai, who always had snide remarks, didn't make a joke about it (probably because he understands Nikolai and would feel the same way if Chuuya died).

If Fyodor survives and is ready for his next villain arc with Agatha, then let him be the one to reveal himself to Nikolai and recruit him....this time not as a pawn but as an ally/friend.

Because I could not stop for Death –

He kindly stopped for me –

The Carriage held but just Ourselves –

And Immortality.

~Emliy Dickinson

The Secret History × If We Were Villains

Where it's just Detective Colborne finding Richard and asking him about the two murders and Henry Winter's suicide.

Colborne: So you also did all this for the person you loved?

Richard: Nah, I did it for the 💫 Aesthetics💫

Colborne, to himself: this one is even worse than Oliver Marks.

ENTP: so now the extros are gone, you guys wanna do something?

ISFJ: Sure, what do you want to do?

ENTP: I was asking about what YOU want to do....anyways how about pizza?

ISFP: I like pizza.

ENTP: great, which one?

ISFP: whatever everyone else likes.

ENTP:....ok ISTJ, pizza?

ISTJ: I don't eat fast food.

ENTP: ok, we will get some salad. Um...INTP...where is INTP?

ISTP: they left when you were blinking.

ENTP:....

ISTP: just text me when you get the pizza.

ENTP: INFP, what do you like?

INFP: I was a feeling a little down, if you don't mind, its okay if you do mind, I don't um....I don't like Pizza at all....you guys can eat I will just....sleep or something.

ENTP: You know right we can order something else for you?

INFP: I don't want to seem like an inconvenience

ENTP:.....you are so not... Ok INTJ what about you?

INTJ: .....

ENTP: .....

INTJ: .....

ENTP: ..... is he dead...?

INFJ: just order anything you want, we don't complain even if we have a problem.

ENTP: alright.....you guys are being very easygoing.

Favourite Jane Austen novels (a.k.a all books)

1. Emma

2. Pride and Prejudice

3. Northanger Abbey

4. Persuasion

5. Mansfield Park

6. Sense and Sensibility

7. Lady Susan

*Dazai losing his mind over Fyodor being alive*

Chuuya: boy you gotta chill, we can catch him again

Dazai: we NEVER caught him in the first place!

Chuuya: Don't worry we will find him and catch him this time. The rest are fighting too they'll be okay.

Dazai: I CAN'T STAY CALM RIGHT NOW CHUUYA

Chuuya: who are you so worried about??

*sometime in the past*

Dazai: why are you always worried about things, it's not good to be this anxious

Atsushi: it took me a long time to find a family, I feel scared of losing them

Dazai, caught off-guard: losing? You will never lose us. We are the sticking kind

Atsushi: what will I do if I am alone ounce again?

Dazai: if it makes you feel better even if everyone else is gone, you will always have me

Atsushi: Dazai-san!!!🥺

*present time*

Dazai: CHUUYA WE NEED TO GO BACK TO JAPAN RIGHT NOW, someone needs me!!!

Chuuya: geez okay, let me hijack a helicopter first

Nikolai: I can take you with my ability

Dazai: what are you doing here right now???

Nikolai: I was taking selfies with Dos-kun's hand *waves the hand*

Chuuya: you're going to Japan too?

Nikolai: I need to meet the love of my life

Chuuya: you mean your enemy?

Nikolai: it's the same thing

Dazai, to himself: don't worry Atsushi-kun I'll come back. Stay strong. Kunikida will be with you until then.