I Want Some Chaos, SO Hear Me Out----

So, for my sanity. Let me get this straight (lol); Henry was in love with Camilla and she was in love with him. And Richard was also in love with Camilla but she friendzoned him. Francis and Camilla had kissed (twice) and Charles was furious. Francis was flirting with Richard the entire time ( "cubitum eamus") Richard fantasized about spending his old years with Francis (and they kissed ofc). Richard also described Henry in a very no homo way. Francis and Charles were secretly hooking up. And so were Charles and Camilla (also, Charles was an abuser, why don't people talk about that more?). Richard described Camilla to look very masculine and like Charles to a tee, so he also liked Charles (?). Bunny was a huge homophobe, kinda sus; also had a strange interest in Henry. And Henry was probably in love with Julian (that little weird kiss mentioned ounce). I am a missing something?

Donna. Donna. Donna, what tf is this book is about?

Julian: so you killed two people?

Henry: you can justify anything, if you do it poetically enough

Francis *wishpers*: wrong fandom Henry.

I quit reading If We Were Villians when I thought James and Oliver are doomed to not be together. I have tried to complete the last few pages but I can't. I had never rooted for a couple more than I did for them. I even got jealous with them when they were both with different people. I have spoiled as well as guessed what happens in the end (the Shakespeare format spolied more than it should have) and I don't think I could EVER finish the book. Few books break my heart, but this one surely did.

There's no way Rat Man is dead right? He even went out spewing Jesus's line about resurrection.

But I DON'T want Nikolai to be the one who saved Fyodor at the last minute, let it be anyone else (let's say Agatha Christie). Nikolai saving Fyodor will take away all of the emotions of the climax. It was such a sad/heartbreaking moment for Nikolai that Dazai, who always had snide remarks, didn't make a joke about it (probably because he understands Nikolai and would feel the same way if Chuuya died).

If Fyodor survives and is ready for his next villain arc with Agatha, then let him be the one to reveal himself to Nikolai and recruit him....this time not as a pawn but as an ally/friend.

The feeling of losing something, but you don't know what you are losing. You just feel lost.

What is your ideal life?

ESTP: do every illegal thing there is without going to jail.....

ESFP: living the dream in Las Vegas...for free

ENTP: being a philosophy professor so I can debate all my life with my students and get paid for it

ENFP: do everything I ever want and not being called "weird" and "unrealistic"

ENFJ: have lots of friends with problems, so I can solve their problems.

ESFJ: live a happy life with my family,friends, significant other and kids

ESTJ: being able to shout at my incompetent subordinates without being called a menace

ENTJ: world domination

ISTP: live in an island with good internet connection

ISFP: being an appreciated artist

INTP: staying at home and not have responsibility for anything

INFP: being able to live out my life without thinking about all my embarrassing moments that replay in my head every night when I try to sleep....

INFJ: being able to turn down people when they ask for help all the time without feeling guilty

ISFJ: having lots of cats and world peace

ISTJ: a stable job and a stable family

INTJ: There is no ideal life here. My plan is to leave earth for a better planet.

I feel very conflicted with my opinions on Dazai. He is not my favourite character, he never was. But I feel a weird sympathy for him at times when he is seen as a total villan?

He is not evil. I don't know how people mischaracterize Dazai as evil.

With the recent chapter 122, there are a lot of people who hate Dazai and want him to die for what he did to Akutagawa. For a second, I felt like that too. I can't see children being abused, not that anyone wants to see it, but I feel very emotional whenever I see hurt children. My first instinct was to hate Dazai too.

But Dazai isn't a responsible adult. Dazai himself was a 16 year old, trying to find meaning in life, guiding a 14 year old into the dark side. This isn't an older, experienced, manipulative man who knows what he is doing but a teenager who thinks he knows everything. Dazai himself ran away from home and was suicidal already at the age of 14, just the same lonely child as Akutagawa. But he found "meaning" in the Port Mafia, or at least trying to. When he gave his word to Akutagawa that he'll "certainly" find meaning in life, I don't think it's manipulation, Dazai himself believes in it. An adult putting you in a dangerous climate is very different than when your cousin tells you to smoke because "it's cool, dude"

I am NOT defending Dazai's abuse of Akutagawa, as I said before, I am not some Dazai superfan (which, Dazai being portrayed as completely innocent also irks me!). I want there to be balance in the conversation surrounding it.

Dazai AND Akutagawa were children, they were both trying to find reasons to live. They grew up in the Port Mafia. We have seen how cruel and unhinged Dazai can be during his time in the PM. We have seen Akutagawa, and his constant internal battle with good and evil. These two are not some heartless creatures, both of them are changing for the better. Dazai found proper guidance in Oda, and taking his words, he became a better mentor to Atsushi. Akutagawa was left in the PM alone, so he grew stone cold and ruthless until he saw the light again, because of Atsushi (in recent chapters his eyes are literally lighter)

Does Dazai feel bad for what he did to Akutagawa? No, at least not now or we don't know what he is feeling, I don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth. But he doesn't HAVE to feel bad. That's what morally grey characters are. If Dazai immediately repented for what he did, it won't be realistic or true to his personality. Yes, he is in the ADA, but he is NOT some great person just because he chose to leave PM, even he himself knows that! That's why he felt so shocked when Atsushi called him a good person. Dazai knows he is not a good person and that's why he doesn't repent for what he did to Akutagawa. We don't accept our mistakes easily, not when we thought of them as means to an end. Dazai truly believed what he did to Akutagawa was a pro and not a con. If he will change that perspective now, is more about his own character arc.

Akutagawa was just a kid, influenced by Dazai. He wanted to impress him, like we do to our parents. Like we fight tooth and nails to defend our parents mistakes and sometimes even abuse. He isn't ready to accept what Dazai did to him was wrong. But when he saw how Dazai treats Atsushi, I am pretty sure he felt like dying. Because imagine your parent treating their step children better than you, that's how I see Aku's jealousy to be like. Dazai was his mentor first, why is he praising and coddling this random guy who just came into his life? But Akutagawa doesn't hate Atsushi in particular, he hates the treatment he gets from Dazai. I think considering what's happening in recent chapters, just like how Atsushi overcame his conflicting feelings towards the headmaster, Akutagawa will do the same with Dazai.

Akutagawa carried the cycle of abuse, doing the same thing Dazai did to him to Kyouka, another 14 year old (she trained since she was even younger). But unlike Dazai, when Kyouka is finally free from PM, Akutagawa doesn't want her to come back to him, he stops abusing her, Dazai still is awful and manipulative with Akutagawa at times. He feels happy for Kyouka, because HE wanted someone to rescue him too. Of all the abused children, Akutagawa was the one who never got rescued. Akutagawa was abusive to Kyouka, it can't be erased because of his own tragic past, he also hit Higuchi and seem to answer everything with violence. This is why the cycle of abuse is so painful, Akutagawa was taught to be this way and he CHOSE to stay this way, until he made the bet to stop killing people with Atsushi. I don't think Akutagawa will ever go back to his own ways after this arc is over. You can't undo your past, you have to move on, keep walking, keep living and trying to do better next time.

I want Dazai to get some good old karma! I want him to face the consequences for what he did to Akutagawa. I want Atsushi to have conflicting feelings towards Dazai but I don't want him to hate Dazai. Atsushi understands people on a deeper level, he's going to try and change people no matter of their pasts. Akutagawa and Dazai aren't going to be on good terms ever, that can't happen. I want Dazai to stop treating Akutagawa like shit and I want Akutagawa to stop wanting validation from Dazai.

Now the final verdit from me, is Dazai evil? No. Is Dazai a good person? No. Can Dazai change? Yes. Did Atsushi have a huge impact on both Dazai and Akutagawa? Yes. Is Akutagawa already changing? Yes. Can Dazai be vile? Yes. Can Dazai be soft? Yes. Does Dazai deserve to die? No.

Morally grey characters cannot be good or evil. They are grey. Let them be grey. We shouldn't erase their bad sides and we can't act like they didn't do good. BOTH Dazai and Akutagawa are morally grey characters. They are just different types of grey. Akutagawa is speed running to the light and Dazai is stuck in the middle of the grey. People have the ability to change for the better or worse, no matter who they are.

Now let's be clear: Dazai and Akutagawa are not the same. Dazai is a much worse person than Akutagawa, what he did was not excusable considering he doesn't feel bad for what he did. That is why he cannot be a good person. Dazai isn't a victim of abuse like Akutagawa either, although I do believe he had enough problems already to screw his brain before he moved to PM, living in PM isn't exactly an environment to raise someone right, who is constantly called "the demon prodigy". He IS the demon prodigy.

No matter what Dazai did in the PM, I can't hold a child to the upmost standards. There's a reason why Juveniles have a seperate court. Juveniles shouldn't get death penalty. Dazai committed heinous crimes as a child. But he is NOT the only child who did this. Everyone in PM has committed several crimes. It's a fictional story after all. Because of that I can't HATE Dazai. I believe all children deserve to be saved, to be given a second chance. Dazai went to the ADA and started to use his dark sides for the good. I can't call him evil for his past, when he was a suicidal kid, mentally ill, having a god knows what tragic backstory. Yes Dazai was smarter than an average teenager, but if you have read "The Day I picked up Dazai", you know despite all that; he was just a kid.

A kid abusing another kid cannot be any less tragic. There is not one childhood loss. It's TWO childhoods lost.

(ps: I was scared to post this lol 😭😭😭😭)

Read from page 90 to 112 ☠️

I wish I could read for longer but my habit is dying away~~~

There are so many details in this one book that it makes complete sense why Donna Tartt took a decade to write it

I can analyse it for a decade and still not understand everything and know every detail 😭😭😭😭

Gryffindor: So, guys what's our plan?

Slytherin: having a plan is lame, let's improvise.

Hufflepuff: it's Ravenclaw's birthday so let them decide....

Gryffindor: I was thinking Raven can do with some more friends, I will invite all my 300 friends to the party.

Slytherin: I was thinking about a masquerade. Something dramatic like Ravenclaw.

Hufflepuff: but guys they hate party or crowded event and noise...

Gryffindor: you know what I am thinking about...

Slyhterin: Fireworks!!!!

Gryffindor: it will be our best party yet!

Ravenclaw to Hufflepuff (via text): this is why I avoid people.

Me at 13: ugh all these girls are soooo drama, I am different. I don't even wear pink and listen to pop songs. I guess I am 'not like the other girls'.

*cringe*

Me at 17: loves pink, doesn't like jeans and wears dresses and skirts, watches chick flicks, listens to mainstream pop, worships Taylor Swift, waits for the MET gala every year, loves gossip, watches Chanel, Dior, Balenciaga fashion shows, watches video essays on celebrity culture and media, follows fashion historians, hates sports, hates video games, hates most "boyish" activities and wishes I was in a Jane Austen novel or a Nicolas Sparks movie.

Me: I guess I am the other girls I used to talk about