Crippling loneliness in the age of the internet:
"Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"
~Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart (1999)
Let me set the scene:
In a dark room, the only light is coming from the phone of a girl laying on the bed, as she mindlessly scrolls for hours on end. She is typing fast, she is running multiple apps in the background, she is listening to the latest hits while doing all of this, her earphones never leave her ears; even when she closes her eyes, she is still listening to a podcast. Despite all these activities happening around her. The girl looks bored and apathetic, her eyes are blank, no emotions, no thoughts. And for hours to come she stays in that state, waiting for something to happen, even if it doesn't, she doesn't care.
This could be the opening lines of a sci-fi novel but this is actually how I act when I am alone. This is how my life has become. And while people like to blame this on the internet that has made Gen Z mindless zombies; I think the only reason I haven't died is because of the internet. To normal people it's a curse that makes humanity fall to its lowest. To me it gave a purpose, a want and a direction to live for.
The Internet isn't the evil mastermind to me, it's a necessity that has kept me alive and not succumbing to the fact I have no one to talk with.
Internet to me isn't Instagram, Snapchat, Discord,Twi--X (someone stop Elon Musk from cooking), it's the "quirky" apps like Pinterest, Tumblr and Reddit as well as the depths of content that is YouTube. It's the places where I found "my" people who understood me, who accepted me, who appreciated me. Growing up I had no one to talk with, even my own family wasn't understanding, let alone my friends.
During my school life I had always been surrounded by friends or as I like to put it, people I can talk to and have lunch with during school hours. That's what it was, nothing more than that. My idea of friends was just different from others, I didn't want emotional connection or people to hang out with. I wanted friends who would listen to my ramblings and be able to debate and discuss things with.
I don't want to seem pretentious or snobbish and definitely not above others in any way. But....when I am surrounded by so many frustratingly stupid people, I don't have any other words to describe them than "not good enough for me". They may be wonderful people, who are warm and lively. I do not care about being around such people. I am someone that watches video essays on morality, ethics, philosophy and analysis of movies and TV, in comparison to the people I know I am just more perceptive and thoughtful and that alone makes me seem like a stranger to them (INTPs are weird in short form). My dad told me smart people have it hard to make friends because of this exact nature, I wouldn't call myself incredibly intelligent but I know I am far more capable in thinking than my classmates who watch reality TV shows and Tiktok dances. Sometimes I cannot even comprehend how people can even get satisfaction and happiness from something as simple as that and that's when I understand: it's okay to be different than that and it's okay that they are "normal".
I feel like I am Lain from "Serial Experiments Lain", as if my existence is given meaning by the internet and I was born from it. My lack of social interactions in person can be explained by that, but it's the thought of talking with other people that often scares me. I am used to being silent, so much so that even on the internet, I remain quiet, not interacting with people who might understand me. Being afraid of not being understood has stopped me from even trying to make connections when there's people ready to do that.
I don't even reply to comments on my posts, unless I have to and I don't talk with anyone on the internet itself. I just watch and be happy at other people's interactions and feel a sense of belonging.
For some days I decided to stop doing that, to stop the vow of silence. To let people approach me and approach others myself. I want to be friends and it's the only thing that I have ever considered as something I couldn't achieve.
Loneliness isn't as pretty as the movies and books tell you. It's more of a psychological thriller than a show like Euphoria and Skins where these stylised depictions make my depression and loneliness appear cool. It's cool to be alone, to have my own space and not cross boundaries but it's not cool to let the loneliness that shields me, devour me.
(doing this again cuz it was fun)
*Atsushi and Akutagawa got called to Aya's school*
Teacher: Aya punched another student and broke his nose. Both of them fought.
Atsushi, anxious: SHE what? She never acts like that please believe me! I apologise for her actions
Akutagawa, looking at his watch and tapping his feet: do we have to pay damages?
Atsushi: this is not the time for that? Aya-chan, apologise!
Aya: I am not apologising! Daddy, that kid said you are a terrorist and dad is a criminal
Atsushi: no we are not
Akutagawa: we aren't?
Atsushi, gritting his teeth: you're not helping here
Teacher: it's okay...Aya and the kid can talk it out tomorrow and say sorry.
*they get home*
Aya: you're mean, I was defending you!
Atsushi: why am I the villain here. Why aren't you reprimanding her, Akutagawa?
*Akutagawa leans towards Aya and whispers in her ear*
Akutagawa: so who won the fight? Did you?
Atsushi: RYUUNOSUKE----
You walk alone in your life, no one matters but you. Fuck everyone who has done anything harmful to you, they will only get satisfaction if you choose to make your life miserable because of them. There are 8 billion people on earth, and you are stuck with people you hate, but that doesn't matter because there are so many wonderful people you have never met. Life is a journey, there will be crossroads, and you have to trust your own feet and not follow someone's else's footprint. No matter if anyone else believes in you or not, you don't need their approval or validation to live. You have to let people go who don't give you their time or ears, those people who only talk to you when they need your help. You have to move on from negativity to become an actual individual with their own thoughts. Do not take extreme steps, don't make permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things are as they are and you have no control over them but on how you react to them. We know things can go wrong but that doesn't mean we cannot improve.
The 16 personalities in AMONG US:
ESTJ: the crewmate leader
ENTJ: the imposter leader
ESFJ: the one who stays in Cams
ENFJ: the lawyer
ISTJ: the hardworking crewmate
INTJ: the hidden mastermind
INFJ: the conspiracy theorist
ISFJ: the one who doesn't actually care about the game, just vibes.
ENTP: the one who is always sus
ESTP: the loud one in meetings
INTP: the hidden detective
ISTP: the one who doesn't do tasks
ENFP: the wildcard
ESFP: the imposter's accomplice
INFP: the one no one notices
ISFP: the one who gets killed first
There's a huge difference between living and existing. If all you do is exist, when would you live?
~my biology teacher
I was rewatching BSD season 1. I had forgotten how close Dazai and Atsushi were in the early seasons. (We need an emotional reunion)
Dazai: I have only known Atsushi for a day and a half. But if anything happened to him. I would kill everyone in this room and then myself 😄😃😀
Here's part 2 of the first two episodes of Danny Motta's reaction to bsd
Some quotes are cut down or changed for the character limit. If there are any quotes I missed or you want to be included in future parts plz comment down.
(I mostly doing this for a collection of Danny's quotes for myself lol)
Link to the video:
"It's not about the want to die but the desire to simply not exist"
-Me, 2022
Things I have said or done as an INTP:
~ "It's not like I hate talking, you are just so boring. I don't even remember what you said two seconds ago. That's how unremarkable you are. So, it's not a ME problem, it's a YOU problem"
~ "I forgot to eat breakfast and lunch"
~ "Do I really need to wish someone their birthday? Do y'all like getting old?"
~ "Whenever I feel awkward, I imagine brutal ways to kill people"
~ "What do you mean I can't order from the kids menu? I eat like five things in my life"
~ "Sometimes I put on earphones just to avoid people"
~ "The T.V remote was too far away so I stared at the wall for five hours"
~ "I don't have enough energy to correct you right now, call me later"
~ *person says* "Hey, how are you?"
*ME* "Nice to meet you my name is just fine....wait"
~ "I am willing to die proving a point"
~ "I am not gonna study. What's the worst thing that happens? I fail. It's not like I am dying. I won't mind that either"
~ "I gave up on life when I was 11. The best decision I ever made"
~ "I am not sorry for coming late. I feel sorry that I came"
~ "I will touch grass when I am in the coffin"
~ "Well actually, everything you said was opinions, not facts. I don't care about how you feel, if you don't care about what I think"
~ "I pity how dumb you are"
"If I had followed the multitude, I should not have studied philosophy" ✨ ✨ 🖤 she/her 🖤✨✨(casual blogger/multi-shipper)
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