The Sudden Feeling You Get To Just Run Away From Everyday Life And Have A Grand Adventure.

I feel like my entire personality is based around the books I am reading, the movies I watch, the music I listen and youtube comment threads.

Crippling loneliness in the age of the internet:

"Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"

~Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart (1999)

Let me set the scene:

In a dark room, the only light is coming from the phone of a girl laying on the bed, as she mindlessly scrolls for hours on end. She is typing fast, she is running multiple apps in the background, she is listening to the latest hits while doing all of this, her earphones never leave her ears; even when she closes her eyes, she is still listening to a podcast. Despite all these activities happening around her. The girl looks bored and apathetic, her eyes are blank, no emotions, no thoughts. And for hours to come she stays in that state, waiting for something to happen, even if it doesn't, she doesn't care.

This could be the opening lines of a sci-fi novel but this is actually how I act when I am alone. This is how my life has become. And while people like to blame this on the internet that has made Gen Z mindless zombies; I think the only reason I haven't died is because of the internet. To normal people it's a curse that makes humanity fall to its lowest. To me it gave a purpose, a want and a direction to live for.

The Internet isn't the evil mastermind to me, it's a necessity that has kept me alive and not succumbing to the fact I have no one to talk with.

Internet to me isn't Instagram, Snapchat, Discord,Twi--X (someone stop Elon Musk from cooking), it's the "quirky" apps like Pinterest, Tumblr and Reddit as well as the depths of content that is YouTube. It's the places where I found "my" people who understood me, who accepted me, who appreciated me. Growing up I had no one to talk with, even my own family wasn't understanding, let alone my friends.

During my school life I had always been surrounded by friends or as I like to put it, people I can talk to and have lunch with during school hours. That's what it was, nothing more than that. My idea of friends was just different from others, I didn't want emotional connection or people to hang out with. I wanted friends who would listen to my ramblings and be able to debate and discuss things with.

I don't want to seem pretentious or snobbish and definitely not above others in any way. But....when I am surrounded by so many frustratingly stupid people, I don't have any other words to describe them than "not good enough for me". They may be wonderful people, who are warm and lively. I do not care about being around such people. I am someone that watches video essays on morality, ethics, philosophy and analysis of movies and TV, in comparison to the people I know I am just more perceptive and thoughtful and that alone makes me seem like a stranger to them (INTPs are weird in short form). My dad told me smart people have it hard to make friends because of this exact nature, I wouldn't call myself incredibly intelligent but I know I am far more capable in thinking than my classmates who watch reality TV shows and Tiktok dances. Sometimes I cannot even comprehend how people can even get satisfaction and happiness from something as simple as that and that's when I understand: it's okay to be different than that and it's okay that they are "normal".

I feel like I am Lain from "Serial Experiments Lain", as if my existence is given meaning by the internet and I was born from it. My lack of social interactions in person can be explained by that, but it's the thought of talking with other people that often scares me. I am used to being silent, so much so that even on the internet, I remain quiet, not interacting with people who might understand me. Being afraid of not being understood has stopped me from even trying to make connections when there's people ready to do that.

I don't even reply to comments on my posts, unless I have to and I don't talk with anyone on the internet itself. I just watch and be happy at other people's interactions and feel a sense of belonging.

For some days I decided to stop doing that, to stop the vow of silence. To let people approach me and approach others myself. I want to be friends and it's the only thing that I have ever considered as something I couldn't achieve.

Loneliness isn't as pretty as the movies and books tell you. It's more of a psychological thriller than a show like Euphoria and Skins where these stylised depictions make my depression and loneliness appear cool. It's cool to be alone, to have my own space and not cross boundaries but it's not cool to let the loneliness that shields me, devour me.

This is gonna be controversial 😅....... anyways~~~

I don't really like to use the word "queer". But for the purposes of the poll that would be used (I am not meaning to be offensive!)

I was really curious as to what people think about this since almost half of the posts I see are about the gay stuff in BSD (most of which are really good posts). The shipping is also mostly leaning towards m/m and w/w (and I am a multi-shippers)

So I wondered what the actual fuck is going on? What do you people think about it? I am not long enough here to form an opinion so I wouldn't state mine.

What is it that makes bsd so.......gay?

(I know about Rimlaine being an actual couple. Nikolai and Ranpo I heard are also gay. I know irl Dazai had a crush on a boy and other BSD authors having questionable sexualities. But this poll is ONLY about BSD anime, manga etc. And not concerning the real life authors)

(Also Q is referred to as they/them and are non-binary with no one knowing their gender. I am pretty sure Higuchi says something about that in Wan)

Me: I am not crazy. I am not crazy

Brain: burn everything!

Me: No that's not me

Brain: kill everyone!

Me: NOOO

Brain: nothing is worth it. Everything you do has no meaning.

Me: ....plz stop torturing me, my teachers already do that.

The Greek Class didn't destroy Richard, he brought that on himself.

He chose to be destroyed and I am sure a part of him wanted to be.

He's the type of person who wants to be different, to be admired, to be apart from normal people.

That's why he tried to get in the Greek class in the first place even when Julian rejected him ounce, he wanted to be with the elites, to be exclusive.

Richard does show remorse for his actions at times but that doesn't mean he didn't find it thrilling.

He wanted an adventure, to see a tragedy, to be part of something dramatic and exciting. He was bored in his little town, around distant parents and normal friends.

He has always felt like he was above other people and he does look down on others who don't understand or follow his ideals.

His idolization of the Greek class is the reason he got destroyed, he was blinded by the opportunity to be included and accepted by them that he didn't look back at the mistakes he made for them.

Richard's story is a cautionary tale about foregoing your sanity and ethics for a broken, one sided friendship. They used him again and again, he did everything for them. Never questioning what he was really doing.

In the end, he was never a part of their group.

He was just there.

Charles: how can you possibly justify cold-blooded murder?

Henry: I prefer to think of it, as redistribution of matter.

Me: You can make a religion out of this!

L: I love eating cake

Light: (what is he trying to say? Is he trying to see if my reaction to him liking cake means I am kira? Is he baiting me to posion him? I could poison all his food and blame it all on Matsuda if I want. He probably makes Watari taste all his food before he eats them)

L: Light, do you like cake?

Light: (is this a trick? Is he trying to make me think about cakes while he analyses my responses, to see if I am Kira or not? Does my answer prove I am innocent or guilty? He can't prove anything by my answer) Not much, Riyuzaki.

L: Kira doesn't like cakes, what a shame.

Light: how do you know?

L: you just said you don't like Cake much didn't you Light?

Light: (uhhh he got me! How did I slip up!) I am not Kira

L: yeah sure and I am not the best detective in the world

Favourite Jane Austen novels (a.k.a all books)

1. Emma

2. Pride and Prejudice

3. Northanger Abbey

4. Persuasion

5. Mansfield Park

6. Sense and Sensibility

7. Lady Susan

You know somethings wrong when even 100 calories for breakfast sets off alarm bells for you.

I don't know about other characters but if there was a TSH adaptation on screen (which I hope is directed and written by Donna herself) then my fancast for Julian is Steve Carrel.

Julian is charismatic and friendly, all knowing or at least seeming so, a talker, a mystic type of person. He isn't young but has young features and greying hair but still handsome. He is supposed to make you want to listen to him all the time and Steve Carrel just exudes that energy.