When Did This Start? When Did I Wake Up Hating Myself? When Did I Start Avoiding Every Mirror I Came

I had forgotten about so many of these ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ

100 little things I stayed alive for

Reflecting on the little things that kept me around when I didn’t want to be. It’s not wrong if the only thing you’re living for is trivial. Try to remember your own✨

Warm bed, cold room

The animals outside

My favorite artists releasing new content

My favorite creators releasing new content

Eating the dough when I bake

Seeing animals at the zoo

Growing plants

Laughter

Wearing my favorite outfit

Deep diving on a topic I’m into

Laying in the sunlight through the window

New funny memes

Dogs

Stuffed animals

Oversized sweatshirts

A really good meal

A really good sweet treat

Music that gives me chills

Colorful flowers

Spite

Curiosity

New books

Cool rocks

Low lighting

Vanilla candles

When the weather starts to cool

Waking up and realizing I have hours longer to sleep

Funny videos online

Leaning a new skill

Realizing I’m passionate about something

Rivers

Mountains

Pretty landscapes

Listening to a song/album on repeat

Sitting down after standing for a while

Bird nests

Crocheted clothes

Rain

Thunder

Clouds

Road trips

Winning bingo

Crunchy piles of leaves

Accidental jokes

Discovering new music

Petty revenge

Love (of anyone or thing)

A dog running to you

Finding a really good restaurant

Ice cream with a hot dessert

Cold water

Wholesome videos online

Finding something really cute on sale

Coloring

Writing

Late nights

Deep conversations

Discovering a new aspect to my personality

Sleeping

Odd compliments

Freaking out with a fandom

Slime

Dogs again

Blowing dandelions

Someone getting my reference

Dancing to music alone

Learning useless facts

Learning funny facts

Telling an anecdote someone is interested in

Learning to cook

Dogs again

Taking a photo of myself that I like

Gift giving

Getting gifts

Winning carnival games

Feeling free

The sound of streams

Baths

Doing my hair

Doing my makeup

Taking a pretty picture

Windy days

Seeing the stars

A child laughing or smiling to me

Decorating my water bottle

Wind chimes

Binging a good tv show

Homemade gifts

Ice cream trucks

Making someone laugh

Overcoming a fear

Making progress internally

Inside jokes

Finding something after searching for a while

When the world feels paused / not real

Finding a nice-feeling texture

Smooth drawing pens

Colorful sunsets

Waterfalls

A really good story

If none of these resonate enough to help, I implore you to come up with your own :)

There will always be someone prettier, wittier, skinnier, funnier, smarter, happier, easier to love;

and I cannot help but feel as though I will never be enough.

Having suicidal depression is like having a constant itch you can’t scratch. Even if you don’t plan on actually committing suicide the feeling doesn’t just go away. It’s constantly in the back of your mind. Whenever road blocks happen in your life instead of figuring out how to fix things like a normal person would your brain immediately goes to, “just kill yourself.” When you wake up in the morning the first thought you have is about killing yourself because your dreams are the only time you can escape the pain of living with suicidal depression. You find no worth in your accomplishments. Even when you actually do accomplish something it’s like it has no worth because you don’t find worth in yourself. You constantly compare yourself to your peers and wonder if you would have actually been succseful like them if you didn’t have a mental illness. Even if you do feel happy for a moment that moment ends and you remember that you have no worth, are stupid, haven’t accomplished anything in life and are a waste of space who needs to just end it already. You know you’re unlovable. No one wants to be with someone with suicidal depression because they don’t want to be with someone who will bring them down. You constantly are thinking about killing yourself and knowing that you can’t makes you feel trapped. Dying isn’t a soluation but you don’t want to live another disappointing year where nothing but bad things happen to you and you don’t grow or change at all. Having suicidal depression is watching everyone around you grow and change while you remain the same. And no one can see how much pain you are in.

Tw: suicidal idealation, sh, sui

Nobody noticed when I stopped including myself in the photos. When I stopped trying to stand out in the group. They didn't notice that I started to fade into the background more and more. It was like I wasn't even there.

Every time I've cried it's been alone. Not once has someone helped me through a panic attack. There is no one here who will help me. I am alone. Why won't anybody help me? I've done everything that I can to save them.

I can't seem to let them go though. Especially the one who hurts me the most. Because even though he makes me feel like I don't matter and am just annoying, he's the only one who really makes me happy. So when he is nice to me my heart is so happy even though I know it won't last and that he'll be back to acting too good for me soon.

But he just doesn't get it. When I message you something random, that's my desperate cry for a distraction. I need help, but he pops in and out of the conversation and then I know that I mean nothing to the person who is my world. And then I cry. I cry until I can't breath because I need him but he doesn't even want me.

Nobody wants me.

I'm so tired. I can't keep going like this. I need someone to love. Someone to give me something to live for. But I don't have that.

So I live only because I have failed to die. I don't take the pills because I can't move my body. I just stare at the wall and feel the tears fall. I give myself drawings made of scars because I don't deserve to have something pretty without pain.

Maybe someday soon I'll finally get the courage.

Sticky notes

From the bottom of my worthless heart, I genuinely don’t know if I can survive another year.

do you ever think you're special to someone, but then you see this person acting the same with everyone else and you're just kind of

oh, alright

i hate that BPD gives me such a lack of emotional permanence.

you can spend hours describing the ways in which you care about me, yet the moment you stop my brain will immediately decide you hate me and are destined to leave me.