I Had Forgotten About So Many Of These ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ

I think it's so much worse this time because for the first time, I had someone. I had someone who I wanted to tell everything and do everything with anf it was reciprocated... For a bit.

But now, that's gone, but it feels like a new and beautiful path to happiness was unlocked and I got to see it and experience how wonderful it was, but now its gone. And even though it hurt so bad most of the time that good times were euphoric.

Nothing can compare to it now. So everything feels hollow and empty.

And I can't get it back because there is not a single soul on this god forsaken earth that would ever want me. Even the one who claimed to like all my odd habits left me and hasn't looked back once or regretted it.

I was just that easy to leave apparently.

But now I wish for a type of love that I will never have because who could ever love me? I sit here aching and so so empty.

I think it might've been better to never love at all. To not have any of these memories of a happiness I'll never have again.

I think it would hurt a lot less that way.

Because I know I gave it everything. It consumed my whole heart and soul and I had so much love to give because finally someone chose me! But now that love has nowhere to go because I got left out of nowhere like there was never a reason to stay.

So now I sit with all that love that I never got to give and it eats me alive. It feels like poison. The empty ache never leaves and when I finally make one step of progress I get sent right back again. And then suddenly there's more poison. Because my hope still hasn't gone away. It stupid and oh so painful but I still hope with my whole heart that I'd be enough to come back for, but I keep getting hurt time and time again.

And I can't stop myself. I go back willingly the second you show interest in me. Because my pride is already gone. My mind is already a mess, you can't possibly ruin it more than you already have.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, but everytime that I do gain something, I lose it right away. And I face pain all over again because I never thought that the world could be that cruel. I didn't think I would lose my only lifeline once again, but I should've learned by now.

No one was ever going to save me. They're just going to watch me flail and struggle as I try to find even the most insignificant reason to live. And then they cruely yank it away from me.

I can't keep going like this.

It would be easier just to drown.

unfortunately for the both of us, i really like you

Neglected children will sometimes go ‘okay time to dangerously deteriorate to see if anyone cares about me’ and then if nobody does, they don’t know how to stop deteriorating on their own, they’ll need help to pick themselves back up.

 And if that help doesn’t arrive, they’ll conclude ‘I was right to destroy myself in a world where nobody cares for me anyway, why should I live at all’ and it sets them on a miserable life path where all they see is chances for self destruction and proof of nobody caring, and from the very start it’s not their fault at all.

Because someone should notice when a kid starts losing themselves and step up and help. Children are not meant to know how to take care of themselves in an environment where they’re neglected, ignored and uncared for. Putting them in such an environment then blaming them for deteriorating is absolutely ridiculous. It takes paying attention and realizing when something is wrong and pulling a kid out of the black hole they’re falling into, before they can no longer crawl their way out on their own. 

It’s not acceptable to let children deal with abandonment and neglect all on their own, and expect them to not grow up miserable, resentful, struggling, and doing harm to themselves. It’s the same harm we never stopped them from doing when they were kids, when they needed to know that someone would care if they’re hurt. If we want functional and healthy adults in the society, we have to notice what is going on with the kids and make sure they’re helped in time. 

it seems impossible

I ⠀ want ⠀ to ⠀ be ⠀ loved ⠀ more ⠀ than ⠀ I want ⠀ to ⠀ be ⠀ alive ⠀ .

some days i think i’m okay and some days i wish i was six feet in the ground

Somehow, despite my best attempts, I doubt I will ever be content with my own company.

I think there will forever be some part of me who yearns for that standard teenage friendship, you know? The late nights, the car rides, just the opportunity to have someone to talk to.

I’m so used to being second place- the friend they sit with when the others are away, the one they call when no one else picks up, that despite my best efforts, I can never see myself as anything more than a placeholder.

I’ve never had the high school dream. The friends, the parties, the relationships. Just the overwhelming sense of discomfort. The recognition that despite my best efforts, I will never be seen as more than the “fat friend”.

From the bottom of my worthless heart, I genuinely don’t know if I can survive another year.