Holding Back Tears In The Parking Lot Of The Community College Because My Mom Called To Tell Me That

all i can do is pray, so i do. but god does this hurt.

ugh i’m bored, need a new fp to obsess over to keep shit interesting. 🙄

when richard siken said "love, for you, is larger than the usual romantic love. it's like a religion. it's terrifying. no one will ever want to sleep with you" and when halsey said "'why do you need love so badly? bet it's because of her daddy, bet that she'll never be happy' I bet that you're right and I'll show you in time cause I sabotage the things I love the most" and when emily burns said "tongue-tied, screaming on the inside, when I say that we broke up and they ask why. Are you crying in the shower like a freak, or is it just me?" and when maisie peters said "all the hows and the whens and whys I thought it would be us for life" and when lauren jauregui said "she doesn't let me have control anymore, I must have crossed a line, I must have lost my mind" and when hozier said "i think of loss and I can only think of you" and when-

i just think it’s silly that my parents were a little sucky and now i’m a 19 year old with a personality disorder and an emotional support stuffed animal

wish i could see luc like i used to,, they put me on too many meds and now he’s just a voice in my head sometimes. like??? give me my friend back???? pls n thanks????

i needed that praise- i needed you ten years ago. i learned how to live with a present but absent father, i learned how to live with the years of emotional abuse and pain, i learned that nothing i can do is ever right or enough.

i don’t need you now, it’s too little too late. leave me the fuck alone.

4.23.22 - Springtime Winter (excerpt)

I tell him how my dad is clearly trying to kill me, by leaving all of the windows open. I feel a passive pang of ideation. I don't tell him how I wish that it actually would.

i literally haven’t been up this late in years. this is insane. i have read so much fanfiction it’s ridiculous. I JUST WANT TO SLEEP PLS !!!!

michael i search and scan every damn tweet and every new song added to every playlist you make. i cant believe i meant nothing to you. after all this time, not one day goes by where you think of me. i’m not even worth a text back, an acknowledgment, a godforsaken breath in my direction.

fuck you. fuck it all. i wish i hated you. i hope you find everything you ever wanted in that fuck ass disgusting place you moved to. don’t come back, not now, not ever.

i hate how every man i ever love is a narcissistic, unfeeling asshole. i give up. i won’t make friends, i won’t love anyone, i cant do this anymore. being alone hurts, but mourning every person i ever lose for YEARS like they’re dead hurts way worse.

thank you michael, for ruining me. for ruining everything without so much as a fucking clue to what i could have done.

fuck you. hope you’re happy.