I Just Wish To Be Perceived As Gentle And Kind. That’s It, That Is Truly All I Want.

i also miss this girl who i loved with my absolute everything i had in me but i can’t ever write about her, the loss is too much, the gap between us feels too big,, i don’t know where to start with her- i never did. but Gods above that doesn’t mean that i don’t miss her often. i tried reaching out first but idk, don’t have the confidence to try again. i got angry with her recently due to my idiot boyfriend not explaining a situation well, and i always having a worse bark than my bite.

she was more than all the moons and stars in the universe, how could i ever not miss her? my absolute other half, twin flame, soulmate, my person.

4.20.23 - Guardian Angel. (excerpt) I find it sad now, how life was so bad that I needed him. I find it sad, how I can sit here and ache. How I miss him as if he were real. How I can grieve over having to now endure my hardships alone.

venting and oversharing to the void for a sec:

i try my hardest to be like “yay healing!!” but idk trauma work is hard. fanfic and fandom culture got me through the worst of the worst moments of my life. it’s alarming, because this past year i somewhat now have a life that isn’t unbearable to be present in. but today i find my brain needing to be anywhere but in the real world.

i’m 16 again, filling my head with fluffy stories where i’m not this deeply traumatized girl and things all turn out perfectly. being 16 does not feel good.

something visceral about my mom sadly looking at me and quietly saying “do you think your dad would have done the same if it was you instead of your sister?”

sometimes the validation that i am and will always be the scapegoat child hurts

lmfao

there’s a lot of things that i wish people saw about me but don’t. i wish people saw past my few episodes where i succumb to my symptoms. i wish people saw just how much i want to be good, to not be the way i feel i was cursed to be. i wish people saw that i pray for random people on tiktok going through hard things, and bawl my eyes out every time something sad hits my fyp. i wish people saw that i love stories and storytelling to get me through all that i’ve gone through. i wish people saw me as kind and caring and gentle and beautiful. i wish people saw how hard i try, in all aspects of my life. i wish people saw me in any way other than this horrible, mentally ill, unfeeling monster. i wish i wish i wish.

vent post about dying young and being a bad dog: an unofficial writing

i am so different, i wish the people of my past could see that and give me just a couple more chances to change. all i want is a friend before i die of some stupid heart defect. for now, literature is my safe space once again,

meditated in a salt cave!! the gods totally knew i needed to cleanse myself after everything i’ve been through lately LMFAO

all i can do is pray, so i do. but god does this hurt.