Dreamed That My Backyard Looked Into A Forest. In The Yard, I Saw What Looked Like A Large Stag.
Dreamed that my backyard looked into a forest. In the yard, I saw what looked like a large stag.
When I looked closer, I saw that the stag had a human face. It only had one antler, which was held in place by a ribbon. Instead of hooves, at the end of it’s legs were spindly fingers. It didn’t walk with the ‘palm’ flat to the ground like an ape, it balanced on the very tips of it’s fingers, and it’s legs didn’t move, just the spindly fingers.
Had this dream after I had spent the day wondering what I would look like if I were a demon.
Dreamed that I was putting on make up. I used gold liquid eyeliner to write “Jesus loves me, this I know. Yes, Jesus loves me.” across my cheek bones. I put sparkly orange eyeshadow on my eyelids and the end of my nose.
Dreamed about A. R., a boy that emotionally abused me from 5th - 8th grade. He seemed threatening, but also like he was coming on to me. He stood behind me and slipped his hands up into my shirt. I reached back, grabbed him by the ears, flipped him over my shoulder, and while he was on the ground, I stomped on him. Very satisfying dream.
When he bullied (abused) me, teachers and other adults frequently told me that it must be because he had a crush on me. I was very, very aware that was not the case. He never made “positive” sexual remarks towards me, never showed a lick of attraction, he loathed me. And, it seemed, women/girls in general. My therapist had a theory that A. R. was deeply repressed and self-loathing concerning possible same gender attraction on his part. He never spoke of finding women attractive, was blatantly misogynistic and lesbophobic, and actively drove me away from mutual male friends.
Maybe I dreamed of him being sexually aggressive because I’m thinking of myself as a trans boy, recognizing that a male identity means I could possibly be an object of desire for A. R., as I never was in the past. And I still rejected him. And I did what I said, for years, I could have done with half a chance — kicked his ass.
More Posts from Panic-volkushka and Others
trying not to have an anxiety attack with regard to... like... the world
the cactus’ legs turned out a bit wonky, but I’m learning and experimenting
also, you can expect to see more dolls on here because uhhh... they're actually part of my master's thesis research.
My Etsy: LINK / My Ko-Fi: LINK
Horrible dream. Dreamed that a woman's body was pulled out of freezing cold water, wrapped in chains, lifted out by a crane. Her skin was grey-blue and water sluiced out of her yellow hair. Suddenly, her body began to jerk and spasm -- she was still alive. The crane dunked her back into the freezing water. The chains shook as she struggled under the water. But they went still eventually. Dreamed that I had started a relationship with a man that I met online. We were texting eachother. It started out flirty and kinky but it got darker and scarier until he was threatening and abusing me. Someone tells me that I should have known better. Dreamed that a fox was napping on a turbine on the roof. The turbine spun around slowly, revealing the fox. It blinked sleepily before getting up and walking across the roof. Dreamed that I had long, fine, bright yellow hair with red-pink ends. My hair was pulled into pigtails with elastic bands that had big red plastic balls on them. I looked like an anime magical girl.
"queer coding" and here I thought you were actually cool
I turn 30 this year. I am freed from the burden of giving a shit about being cool.
So I’ve scanned the pages of my risographed fashion study zine (you can buy that here)
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Inktober day 5. Some faces and some class notes.
My Etsy:LINK / My Society6:LINK / My Ko-Fi:LINK
Hand of Midas
buttercups
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Your painting “Pretty Bunny/Ugly Hare" has really resonated with me and made me cry. Thank you for creating it. It's beautiful and I love it.
Oh wow, thank you so much. I’m so glad you connected with my work.
So I'm a huge nerd and I made a huge playlist of songs that give me feels about being transgender and queer. I take my playlists very seriously and put a ridiculous amount of time and effort into choosing and arranging the songs.
Warning -- some of these songs contain lyrics that have sexual content, violent content, mentions of sexual abuse, and content that may trigger dysphoria. Also, some of these bands or musicians have done some shitty things, and while I like their work, I don't approve of what they've done (Amanda Palmer, The Sex Pistols, Glen Danzig, Die Antwoord, I'm looking at you).
Listen to it here: Monster Queer
1. Woe to the Man Who is Different - Richard Peaslee (from "Marat/Sade") 2. Sex Changes - The Dresden Dolls 3. Body - Mother Mother 4. Kick Ass - MIKA vs RedOne 5. Respect Me - Khia 6. I Fink U Freeky - Die Antwoord 7. XXXO - M.I.A. 8. Mr. Spock - Nerf Herder 9. Dust to Dust - The Misfits 10. Son of No One - NEGATION 11. Ends. Endings. - O' God the White Whale 12. The Snake &... - Oxbow 13. Smear The Queen - Xiu Xiu 14. We're Not Gonna Take It - The Who 15. I Did It My Way - The Sex Pistols 16. You're Gonna Miss Me - Roky Erickson 17. Rejoice - Andrew Jackson Jihad 18. Dr. Troll - Xiu Xiu 19. o jarhead! o wife! - jordaan mason & the horse museum 20. For Today I Am a Boy - Antony & The Johnsons 21. Beautiful Boyz - CocoRosie 22. All Is Full Of Love - Björk 23. Lycanthropy - Patrick Wolf
the cover image is a mash-up of alchemical imagery from "The Twelve Keys of Basil Valentine" and the "Rosarium Philosophorum."
My Etsy: LINK/ My Ko-Fi: LINK
(via original illustration dog 1 by panicvolkushka on Etsy)
available for $35
My Etsy: LINK / My Ko-Fi: LINK
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Hello, my name is Panic. Find my other links on my Carrd
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