If You Call Pedophilia A Kink Please Unfollow Me And Never Talk To Me Again

Imagine saying some of the most horrifying and confusing things the dwarves have ever heard

You: *looking at a ferret for sale in the market, sleep in the most ferret way possible* bones are a suggestion.

Thorin: Mahal, never heard that before

You: *watching a cat in the bar, chase flies* he craves the sky raisins

Bilbo: *snorts and has beer come out his nose*

You: *happily cooing about Thorin as he sleeps* he’s so cute when he’s breathing.

Kili: *glances over at Dwalin and mouths* what the fuck?

Dwalin: *mouths back* they’re weird and apparently like Thorin.

You: life is a slow agonizing march to death.

Ballin: *has an existential crisis start because of you*

You: *setting a bunch of leaves on fire* and the world shall be consumed in the fire of my will, and it shall kneel before me.

Bofur: kid, you can be kind of scary sometimes

You: *looks him in the eyes and softly sings* I’m a little tea pot short and stout

Bofur: alright then

You: *knocks a wine goblet off the table* fuck the police!

Dwalin: *slightly offended*

Imagine giving Thorin and Bilbo a hit off your joint

Kili: something smells

You: *sniffs* I know what that is, it’s my weed *pulls out the tin you keep your stache in and opens it*

Bilbo: that is some pungent pipeweed

You: wanna try some?

Bilbo: sure why not

You: anyone else want some?

Thorin: I’m bored so I’ll have some

You: alright then *lights up the joint and takes a puff to get it going before passing it to Bilbo*

Bilbo: I just take a puff?

You: *nods your head* start off with one and then work your way up to a second if the first didn’t do much*

Bilbo: *takes a drag before handing it to Thorin*

Thorin: *takes a puff and proceeds to cough like an amateur* that is some skunky stuff.

Bilbo: I don’t feel anything.

You: give it time. *finishes off the joint in a few puffs*

*half and hour later*

Bilbo: *lying on the floor, drool coming out the side of his mouth and just staring wide eyed at the ceiling*

Thorin: *slumped over on the couch* why do the back of my eyes hurt?

You: it causes rapid eye movements

Thorin: I’m super hungry

You: and the munchies

Thorin: I’m going to go see if there is anything left to eat *gets up and steps over Bilbo*

Bilbo: *grabs onto Thorin’s ankle*

Thorin: *drags Bilbo with him*

Dwalin: how come you are unaffected by the pipeweed?

You: I’m used to it.

Bilbo: *starts cackling for no reason in the other room*

Kili: *enters the room* why is uncle just sitting in the pantry eating a whole onion?

You: munchies man, munchies. He’s lucky y'all cleaned most of the pantry out already or the two of them would, I know I’ve done that before.

why the fuck is no one naming their children after greek goddesses? Name your fucking child Persephone?????? Bitch???????!?

Marvel: there will be no deaths in avengers 4

Me:

“But if you forget to reblog Madame Zeroni, you and your family will be cursed for always and eternity.”

The hero shows up at the villain’s doorstep one night. They’re shivering, bleeding, scared. There’s also a slightly dazed look in their eyes– they were drugged. They look like they were assaulted. Looking up at the villain, swaying slightly as they’re close to passing out, they mumble “…didn’t know where else to go…” then collapse into the villain’s arms.

“In Her Sights” F!Reader & Negan (Daryl x Reader Background)

Summary: You are a former special ops member. When Negan killed Glenn and Abraham you were on a run for weapons. When you learned of what happened, you were pissed, especially since Negan now had your husband, Daryl. When Negan comes for week one pick up, you are waiting for him, unseen and with demands.

Word Count: 2250

Warnings: cursing

Song I Wrote To: “Bloodlust” by The Phantoms

Note: some things are different, just go with it! :) Requests are welcome, go ahead and send prompts for everything TWD.

——-

The rumble of the trucks alerted the scouts on the edge of the perimeter. 

Tobin immediately called in the arrival of the Saviors. You wasted no time in getting into position. Since you had arrived back in Alexandria and learned about Abraham and Glenn, the rage that you normally kept at bay boiled in your chest. Then Rick had told you about Daryl. You had destroyed half of your bedroom when hearing of that particular news.

The guilt was heavy in your heart. You were their wild card, the one that always kept them safe. You were the one who took out the snipers at Grady and even most of the Termites that threatened them when Carol attacked Terminus. It was your job to be invisible. You and Abraham were the two veterans of the group and while he took charge with war tactics, it was you, the former special-ops member, to take out their enemies unseen and show their true strength. 

However, the night that Maggie was sick and needed to get to Hilltop, You were out on a run to a nearby Air Force base with Jesus. You needed a few extra trinkets to work on your weapons and incendiary devices. When you had returned home to the news, you swore you wouldn’t leave them undefended again. 

You made your way to the vantage point in the trees. You and Sasha had managed to camouflage it perfectly with the help of Eugene and Carl. It was invisible unless you knew what you were looking for and it gave you the perfect view of the front gate and the hostiles that approached Alexandria. You readied your rifle, adjusting the silencer on it as well as the laser sight. Through your scope, you could see both sides of the wall. Rick and Aaron were waiting for your orders. Aaron on the ground and Rick hidden on the watch post. Two other weapons were at your side on the platform as well as three soaked sheets of Walker blood to detract the Dead from circling your hiding spot. 

You trained your weapon on the approaching vehicles, counting the Saviors and gaining a perspective on their weaponry. While they may have more ammo, they didn’t know about you, and Rick was careful to keep it that way for as long as possible. The Saviors exited their trucks and readied their weapons as the boss finally made an appearance. You sneered as Negan strutted towards the gate. His leather jacket hugging his broad chest and his infamous baseball bat hitched onto his shoulder as if he was putting on a show. 

“Little pig! Little pig! Let me in!” He bellowed and you switched on your laser sight. You aimed it right at Negan’s heart. Immediately, the man to his right pointed it out. The man with the pornstache, Rick called him Simon, pointed to his boss, taking a step back. Negan glanced down and anger filled his face. “What the shit!” he yelled. 

Keep reading

black cats are wonderful because you can stare into the void and not only does the void stare back, sometimes it trots up to you happily and begs for pats

Please

May the 10 of Pentacles bless your account with more money than you can spend. 💵✨

Omfg

A series of Brooklyn 99 gifs to symbolise my feelings towards Riverdale