I Love How In Fanon Dick Is All Uwu Jaybird Has Done Nothing Wrong I Will Do Anything To Bring Him Home

I fu king love him so bad help.

Something I haven’t seen discussed much (perhaps I’ve just missed where it’s being talked about) is that Edwin’s escape from hell must have been an iterative process, and what survival instinct and strength of hope it took to achieve it.

At least 3 different entities “owned” him while he was down there, the baby doll spider had him for decades but seems not to have had him the whole time - but it chased them right to the door of Hell when he and Charles escaped together the second time.

He must have been back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. He would have had to figure out the layers of hell and the path from scratch. He would have taken wrong turns, suffered the torments. From his notes, he seems to have ended up in Avarice at least once. I’m pretty certain he’s the one who created that hidden hole in the wall. I wonder how many years it took him to do that. I wonder if he only got the chance to start after the spider owned him because it doesn’t seem sapient in the same way the demons did.

He figured out the hard way why not to ring that bell. I wonder how many times he made it to the Lobby before he was caught, and how many times he only got as far as gluttony or lower down. I wonder if he made it halfway up the staircase before and was dragged back, which is why he made Charles stop to talk when he did.

Maybe he made it to the lobby the 56th, 57th, 58th and 61st attempt, but not the ones in between. Maybe he despaired when he failed at it twice in a row. I wonder, after the first years of being nothing but a frightened teenager in a terrifying place, how many chunks of years he lost in the middle to defeat and hopelessness before deciding to try yet again. No wonder Esther wants to eat his soul so bad, you don’t find strength like that every day

I finally got caught up with the new nightwing

LMFAOOOOO DUKE'S ONE 😭😭😭😭 not lying when i say I literally burst out laughing

people don't talk enough about how fucking funny it is that bruce can sub in his kids as batman when he's too busy. like can you imagine it from the league's perspective? imagine you have this really mysterious, geniusly scary guy that you know next to nothing about, never cracks a smile and yet always comes out on top, and one day he shows up to a league meeting and there's just something... off. about him.

you can't pin it down because he's literally acting exactly the same as usual and there's no reason to think there's anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern's case review, but something's just... odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything's up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something's wrong surely he'll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles 'yeah batman was busy, that's his 17 yr old son. he's a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we're not allowed to let him into the weapons department.' and then walks away like it's normal.

like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.

wonder woman: so that's my proposed plan, what are your thoughts batman?

batman: hn. i think that- *voice raising two octaves* oh shit hold on my phones buzzing

the league:

batman, answering the phone and immediately dropping the Bat Posture™: what do you mean- aw come on little wing that's not fair! but- no, NO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ALFRED I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU- IM SORRY OK I'LL BUY YOU MORE- *catches sight of the league watching him, baffled* *stiffens* ok listen i promise to replace them but i gotta go, please show me mercy iloveyoubye *hangs up*

the league:

batman:

batman: *coughs awkwardly*

superman: *sighs*

batman, to superman: ...red hood found out i ate his chocolate pretzels-

superman, shaking his head: just... just stop.

the flash: so this isn't batman either, is it?

wonder woman: if this one's also a criminal im losing my mind.

superman, tiredly: no no, this one isn't a criminal. this one's actually a cop.

batman: *sinks down in his seat* b's gonna kill me

green lantern, mystified: where does he keep GETTING you all from!?

'batman' dick, who made a pact with jason to Always Fuck With Bruce Whenever The Opportunity Arises: batman is a whore.

they think they've finally sussed out all 2 of batman's kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman' ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say '-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-' and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.

wonder woman: you're different from the other two, aren't you?

batman: maybe i am maybe i'm not, you can't prove it.

wonder woman:

green lantern: so like, are you new or have you just managed to avoid sub duty up until now?

superman, coughing: actually, this is this ones ninth occasion of replacing batman. you've just never realised before.

the league:

batman: yeah actually the other two are kinda mad i lasted longer than them...

the flash: how the fuck does he keep getting kids with the exact same build as him!??!?

'batman' tim, spent 20 minutes padding the suit out so he would look the part, still mad that bruce keeps palming WE work off on him: oh he forces us to take steroids for it.

the league, concerned:

superman, pinching the bridge of his nose: now come on red robin-

batman, fully tearing up and looking distraught: PLEASE uncle clark, it HURTS, you can't keep COVERING FOR HIM!

superman, frantically to the league: this one lies.

bonus

the league, squinting at batman:

the league: ...

superman: *head in his hands, too disappointed to do anything*

the league: *silently exchanging looks, wondering if anybody's brave enough to say anything*

duke as batman, fully aware this is fucking stupid but jason and tim fell on the floor laughing when dick came up with the idea and frankly, he wanted to see if anybody would have to guts to call him out: so, are we all ready to start the meeting?

They heard someone talking shit about Bruce

Connotations matter

you know it’s always going to be funny that Duke seems to have unneeded beef with Jason, but if you think about it, it does kinda make sense. Jason’s legally dead and pays his way through life via the income of a crime lord. I’m pretty sure he’s the only batfamily member to not have a day life at all. Tim Dick and Bruce work, Damian has school, Steph has college, Cass is just sensible enough to have A Life outside of being a bat. Jason on the other hand literally has fuck all to do when he isn’t out as Red Hood.

what I’m saying is that there’s no way he doesn’t get bored during the day and decide to piss Signal the fuck off like, three times a week. Duke’s beef with Jason isn’t unwarranted, it’s just that nobody’s around to witness the countless times that he’s been minding his own business trying to help out Gotham as Signal, only for this fucking skunk-headed legally dead mother fucker, to pop up FOR THE FOURTH TIME THAT DAY, just to make his life harder.

Jason: Signal

Signal: *ignoring him*

Jason: yo Signal

Jason: Siggy boy

Jason: my guy Sigs

Jason: brother-beloved

Jason: Signal

Jason: ok i WILL set another fire-

Signal: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST W H A T

Jason: i dropped my keys under my car and my phones dead so i don’t have a torch. can you start glowing so i can see where they are?

-

Signal: finally, some peace and quiet as i begin this incredibly important stake out that will take at least four hours-

Jason, climbing over the lip of the building: thought you fuckin’ lost me, didn’t you? well i got news for you, i have a whole pizza and nowhere to be until 1AM so we are going to HANG OUT-

Signal: JASON P L E A S E

-

Signal: *hears screams and the sound of gunshots*

Signal: *rushes to help*

Jason, standing in an alleyway with a speaker playing noises from a fight he was at two weeks ago: THERE you are,

Signal: oh my GOD-

Jason: look at this sick drawing i did-

-

Nightwing: why has Duke been glaring at you all night?

Red Hood: no clue.

Duke is the only bat on the day shift and Jason has been using that as entertainment for the past six months.

obsessed with like, Jason who absolutely refuses to reconcile with the bats. he wants no part in that family and will not talk to them under any circumstances. but he's legally dead with no friends and sometimes he gets sick of being completely by himself and wants to have company. so.

Bruce: hey Alfred have you seen my-

*comes into kitchen to see Alfred calmly preparing dinner while Jason Todd, Killer Red Hood, silently does paperwork while sat on the corner of the kitchen counter*

Bruce:

Bruce: uh-

Tim, doing homework at the table: don't mention it. if you acknowledge him he'll leave. he just likes being around people sometimes.

the bats have to start treating him like a stray cat, letting him go to them and acting completely unbothered by his presence because if they even make eye contact with Jason he'll jump out the window and they 1. won't see him for a month and 2. will start to see a lot more murders cropping up around gotham.

eventually it gets to the point where Dick will come to dinner to see the rest of the family wordlessly ignoring the brick shithouse of a man who is just sat on the floor of the dining area reading a book and he has to just. take a breath and pretend Jason isn't there. calmly stepping around him without acknowledging him. Alfred will silently place a plate of food by the guys elbow while speaking to Damian about school. When they decide to move from the table to the tv room for a movie night none of them can even look around when they hear him eventually follow just to sit in the corner of this room instead.

Bruce: I'm concerned, this is abnormal for Jason. what if he's been drugged with something? or he's trying to gain sensitive information?

Damian: actually he used to do this a lot after he came out of the Lazarus pit. he liked to sit in and watch me train, and occasionally we'd find him sat by grandfathers feet while he ran meetings. Mother says it's important to let him settle, because it's likely that he's simply craving human intimacy on his own terms for once.

Bruce, crying: oh

Jason still refuses to say a word to any of them unless it's in costume, and even then it's the same old 'i'm not your son! i'm not one of you! fuck off!' shtick like normal. they just have to accept him sneaking into the house every now and then too.

one time Tim needs Red Hoods info on a case he's working and since Jason's been sat on the floor against the wall of the bat cave for the past 45 minutes just. staring into space and vibing. he risks sliding the file across the floor towards him before pointedly turning back to the batcomputer, the info he needs marked clearly. five minutes later it's wordlessly slid back, info filled out and Jason refusing to acknowledge Tim's existence again. it's the only way he'll communicate with them.

after a while it gets to the point where Jason will straight up go to bludhaven and break into Dicks apartment just to silently sit in the corner of the room and Be Around A Familiar Person. Tim comes back from his lunch brake at WE to find him sat on the edge of his desk, working through a case. They work in silence for the rest of the day and when Tim leaves Jason just follows. They get a batburger together but the second Tim slips up and asks how his day was he's off like a shot. Damian regularly eats lunch at school on the roof while Jason plays mario kart on a DSI next to him. Batman will be 4 hours into a solo stake out when civilian Jason will silently slide up next to him with a crossword. they never talk. Jason still makes it clear that he's pissed at Bruce. Bruce doesn't know what else to do but let him be and hope eventually, with enough time, things will progress even further.

Dick, whispering so Jason won't pick up on the fact that he's being perceived: are you sure this is normal

Damian: is anything about any of us normal

Tim: he's got a point. at least we know Jason's watching us. I did this shit all the time before I was Robin, and none of you ever noticed me.

Dick:

Tim: sometimes its comforting to be in the same room as people you're familiar with, even if you can't handle interacting with them.

Dick, crying: ok

Imagine if some Gothamites actually has this some sort of small fandoms within the internet where they actually argue who bruce/batman's lover actually is or who's ship seems to be more canon.(But with a twist cuz batkids would literally get in to this type of stuff)

Dick with a username "@ nightwingluvr6000": NO NO LISTEN LISTEN. CATWOMAN?? AND BATMAN?? DEF A PERFECT COMBO. I WAS LITERALLY THERE AND SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES.

Jason "@ ykredhood69": OGs will know that Hal Jordan actually casually flirts with the batman from that one clip..outdid all of your faves smh.

Steph "@ thatpurplegirl": Screw all your ships, have you seen the chemistry between two face and batman? THE TENSION WAS THERE. IT WAS SO VISIBLE I COULD SEE IT IN THE AIR.

Cass "@ pitchpancake": Pussies, have you seen the way he and that one guy interviewer flirts with each other?they literally take the whole damn cake out of all of this.

Damian "@damiedraws" : imagine arguing the dumbest sh1t on the internet like unemployed fools with nothing better to do with their lives than argue like 7 year olds. Real ones know that SuperBat is the realest out there, much more real and clear than your 20/20 vision.

Duke, reading the entire beef on twitter: Wow, i expected you to side with Dick or even ship Bruce to your own mother but never expected you to be a superbat fan.

Damian: He treats me ice cream.

Being in Gotham-side of Internet must be so fun. Like, you open YouTube, and when searching for work-outs, you find "Batman working out routine." Or, you scroll through articles and bump into another 300 conspiracies about Signal. Instagram has reels with Timothy Drake inspired looks. Twitter keeps shipping Orphan & Spoiler and writing blind items about them. Damian Wayne is a constant guest on Reddit, giving advices how to take care of different types of animals. Circuses in the town have the whole Nightwing and Boy Wonder inspired shows. Girls on Tiktok try to re-create Red Robin's wings for the upcoming Comicon. Tumblr keeps score on Red Hood's mystery weapons appearing out of nowhere, trying to figure out if he is meta or not. Bruce Wayne's thrist edits flooding every social media. Local true crime podcasters have a series of episodes on Jason Todd's mysterious death.