That Daughterhood Feeling Of Wanting To Blame Your Mother For How You Turned Out, Wanting To Be Angry

that daughterhood feeling of wanting to blame your mother for how you turned out, wanting to be angry at her for how you’ve inherited her pain and her insecurities, but at the same time wanting to keep coming home to her, out of everyone else in the universe, because you know that if there’s anyone who might be anything like you–if there’s anyone who might even have a clue of what it’s like to be you–it could only be her. and no matter how many times you’ve hurt each other, no matter how difficult it might be to get her to truly see you, you still just want her to love you as you are, to tell you that this isn’t your fault, and to show you that she would keep letting you come home to her.

bsd fanfic recs

some of my absolute favorite fics I’ve read in the few months I’ve been insane about bsd. what are you guys doing if you haven’t read these.

tell me we do not live in vain by @valleykey・fyozai・57.1k, T, completed・relationship study・character study・travel fic

Fyodor’s weak heart thuds violently within its cage of flesh and bone, ba-thump. Dazai’s knife kisses cold on the skin of their throat. They swallow, and the bob of their Adam’s apple against it draws blood. “Alright,” Fyodor decides, “let’s find a way to die.”

// In the Decay’s aftermath, Fyodor and Dazai quietly slip through the cracks, and set on a journey.

through the pages by @valleykey・oda & dazai・5.3k, gen, completed・alternate universes

Near-infinity is finite. It’s not even close to real infinity. An infinity of coin flips will yield endless heads and endless tails, but it’s possible to flip a coin ten million times and land tails each one. “There’s a lot of bad that could be written in a book.” Oda doesn’t falter. “There’s a lot of good, too.”

///OR: snapshots of Dazai and Oda, across universes.

apocynum by @minusboy・skk・27.8k・M・completed・hanahaki au (with a twist!)

“Don’t bleed on the carpet,” Dazai says, as if it’s even his carpet he’d be bleeding on. “I’ll make you bleed,” he says, although it comes out half-hearted as well as weird and distorted with the tissue blocking his nose. Dazai just smiles at him beatifically. “Promise?”

on fresh wounds and picking on scabs

eternal game of tug & war by @blackwaves・2.9k, explicit, completed・sex dreams・character study

There’s something open, vulnerable, and overwhelmed on her face, and she gasps out the same high, breathy sound she lets out when she’s been running after a suspect, chokes out a string of please, please, please. Ayatsuji watches her do it and says: “This isn’t even maintaining plausibility anymore.” She straightens up. More familiar, there’s indignance on her face— “You can’t be criticizing me for your own sex dream. For one thing.” “It’s a valid critique.”

Or: the sex dream montage fic wherein Ayatsuji is psychosexually weird about all involved.

that fucked up girl by @strawberry-skies-xx・dazai & yosano・3.1k, gen, completed・gender study

The first time Dazai meets Yosano, he’s struck with such a strong wave of want that it catches in his throat, clogs it until he can’t speak. It doesn’t happen often. Dazai’s masks are carefully crafted, but Yosano is all sharp femininity, sleek and elegant, graceful in her beauty, and it hits Dazai like a brick. He stares.

i had a dream about you by @neurosasuke・gin & kyouka・5.5k, gen, completed・character study・relationship study

Her fingers clenched around the cone carton in her hand, crushing her precious breakfast into mush. “Senpai,” Kyouka said, her tone flattened by an iron. This couldn’t be happening. Akutagawa Gin met her eyes with an implacable stare. In one hand she held three fabric bags full of fresh produce from the vendors around them, and in the other was a cup of unsweetened milk tea. The pearls rattled as Gin took a long sip from her drink. The duo held eye contact until Gin concluded her task with a noisy smack of her lips. “Izumi,” Gin greeted sweetly, her voice barely able to be heard over the sounds of the early crowd. “Since when did you start shopping here?”

love that doesn’t have a place to rest by @blackwaves・gin-centric・1.9k, gen, completed・beast au gin

There are no good ways to say, I love my brother, and I think he is evil, and no good rooms to say it in.

Or: Gin, after it’s done.

oh, the echoes in my mind— by @nyrlthtp・sigma-centric・2k, gen, completed・sigma character study

It’s a name they’ve taken for themself, but it’s true to who they are now. They don’t remember ever having another name, and they doubt they ever will remember. They dance around questions about their past with an elegant skill that would be impressive to anyone who knew what to look for. Their words don’t falter, and neither do their hands as they deal out cards at tables themself, glossing over their own deep sorrow that’s salved by the casino and the casino alone. One would think they’d been at this casino for their entire life.

bleeding heart dove by @minusboy・skk・4.2k, M, completed・character study・telepathy

He thinks about Chuuya, or rather, he thinks about the god residing under his skin, the manic glint in his eye, head thrown back in laughter, exposing the delicate line of his throat, thinks about gravity twisting his bones into inhuman angles, the blood pouring out of every orifice on his body. He thinks about Chuuya, beautiful, frightening, human.

learning how to let go and how to drive, not necessarily in that order

hold the hand of the god-child, as he falls from the sky by @strawberry-skies-xx・dazai & mori・7k, gen, completed・relationship study

Mori stands up, walking over to see the empty cup of matcha resting on the armrest, curled loosely in one hand, and Dazai sound asleep. He’s so small like this, lost in the big clothing, the couch he’s on. Not for the first time, Mori wonders what he’d do if he wasn’t head of the mafia. If he’d still find Dazai. If he could help him with more than stitches and hot tea.

till death, I’ll give you my breath by @booksandpaperss・skk・24.6k, M, ongoing・time/death loop・relationship study

“Here’s what’s gonna happen,” Chuuya starts, conviction (and probably some desperation) firm in his voice. “Neither of us are gonna leave this damn room. Call in sick, or whatever the fuck I don’t care, but you’re not going into work, or anywhere today. I’ll fucking hold you down just like this if I have to. Got it?” Dazai cocks his head, and Chuuya can tell he’s really trying hard to maintain the bored look on his face. Chuuya’s known Dazai long enough to recognize when he’s curious. “Am I being held hostage by the mafia right now? Is that what’s happening?”

In which Dazai succeeds in the death he’s always longed for, and Chuuya and Atsushi will do whatever it takes to save the man who saved them before they even realized they were being saved. However many times it takes.

A study in loving someone who refuses to be loved.

Last Train Home by @valleykey・sigma-centric・27.1k, gen, completed・character study・post canon

In the Decay’s aftermath, the Port Mafia’s Nakahara Chuuya finds Sigma among the sunlit silvers of Suribachi city. He grins viciously. “In that case, let’s get you your Casino back.”

/// Sigma picks up their pieces.

in the mirror, i bloom by ephemeralis・skk・12k, T, completed・hanahaki au

It twists him, turns him, curls in his chest like something alive, something he knows but can’t dare to name. Chuuya curses the red-black petals that fall from his lips, these nearly rotten things that tear him apart from the inside out. Part of him wants to rip his own traitorous heart out, through a ribcage shattered by feelings he can’t contain. Anger is easy, a thing he’s learned to control. This— whatever the hell this is— is not. Or at least it’s easier to feel as though this is beyond his own control, because Chuuya is not in love. (It feels like a lie even to himself.)

After he’s hit by a strange ability, Chuuya is forced to consider truths he’d much rather keep hidden- but not everything is as simple it seems.

brutal out here! by @valleykey・fyozailai・4.8k, T, completed・suicide practice fic minus actual suicide

“Oh my God,” Nikolai gasps into the phone, because he can’t let there be a pause, because—”you’re killing yourselves and you didn’t even invite me!?” “Not really,” Fyodor says, almost diplomatic, “it’s more like practice.” “Roleplay, if you will,” Dazai adds enthusiastically, from what must be the bathtub, “but like, irl. And with the potential to get rushed to the hospital.”

5D Chess With Multiverse Time Travel by @valleykey・fyozai・7.2k, T, completed・teen fyozai meet for the first time

Chuuya’s self restraint breaks. “What are you even doing?” Dazai doesn’t even spare him a glance. “Playing 5D chess with multiverse time travel against the enemy.” Chuuya squints. He has to be fucking with him. “What?” “And I’m losing, Chuuya,” and now he finally looks at him, manic grin snaking across his cheeks, voice plunging from blank to downright giddy. Giddy. What the fuck. “He’s a demon.”

/// OR: Chuuya finds himself in the unfortunate position of witnessing Dazai meet Fyodor.

abominable by @valleykey・fyodor-centric・5.3k, M, completed・character study

You’re seven when your ability awakens. You calculate how long it’ll be until anyone finds the bodies. You take a shower before the blood dries, change clothes, and don’t sleep the entire night. When the sun rises, you go to church.

///OR: Fyodor, through the years.

some say we’re born into the grave by @obsidianstrawberrymilk・kouyou & kyouka・5.2k, T, completed・idol au・relationship study

“Now, Kyouka? Really? You’re about to be on stage in one of the biggest festivals in the nation and you’re crying about something?” Kyouka debates telling her it had been unintentional, and barely ‘crying’ at all, but decides against it; if anything, talking back makes it worse. Kouyou’s nails dig further into her skin; not enough to bleed and unlikely to bruise, Kyouka knows. Not her face - too valuable. Kyouka can’t say there’s any bitterness there; it’s a fact. Music is what she’s good at, and Kouyou directs where she goes with it. Failure is not an option. Not in this world she’s found herself in.

Or: Kouyou Ozaki is idol Kyouka Izumi’s manager. How Kyouka feels about it isn’t anyone’s concern.

scream into the empty (can anybody hear me?) by @obsidianstrawberrymilk・gin & ryuunosuke・4k, T, completed・selective mutism・character study

Gin never realizes that there’s something wrong with them until age twelve, when their brother joins the Port Mafia, and them alongside him. Suddenly, their silence is not just offhand on the side of useful; it’s noticeable. It’s abnormal. It’s something that makes them a target.

Or: Gin Akutagawa, growing up, and selective mutism.

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mooingandmooning

2 years ago

@hopeswhcre

Lmao an AU of my AU.

The Force watching Obi-wan be made by some crazy person. Technically Obi-wan is an artificial child of the Force. They don't have the same connection to the Force as a true child would but its enough that the Force loves them like an adopted child. Even if their new kid cant talk to them directly, only able to sense the Feelings the Force sends them.

The Force does not like it that the crazy person decides that their new adopted child should be decommissioned as a failure.

Force decides to nudge the Jedi into going to get Obi-wan.

They watch their adopted child grow and when Obi is like 15 (still struggling with being so different from everyone else) the Force decides Obi seems lonely and they had been wanting to have another child anyway.

Anakin is born. When Anakin is 9 the Force nudges the Naboo shuttle to Tatooine. The Force drops Anakin into Qui-gon Jinns path.

Force kinda gets grumpy when the jedi try to separate their kids. When Qui-gon dies and joins the Force, he gets to hang out and watch over their kids.

The council is still on the fence about letting Anakin stay. They already had to deal with Obi-wans insane childhood of him trying to hunt people to eat them if they were too dark in the force. Did they really want to deal with potential Chosen One bullshit?

When Obi-wan tells Yoda that he's gonna train Anakin the Force shoves the message of 'listen here u little shit, you keep my babies together or so help me-' to the little green master.

Anakin who CAN talk to the Force like they're a physical person in the same room looks at Obi-wan and goes "Oh! My parent says your my big brother. They also say Master Qui-gon and them are real proud of you."

Obi-wan tries very hard not to tear up.

The council is like "your parent?"

"Yeah. They say you call them the Force... Also they say that you better be nice or they are gonna let everyone know what happened on Alderaan last year." Anakin says, making eye contact with several council members.

Mando weeb Obi-wan decides to nickname the Force Buir. Anakin likes it and adopts it.

It leads to things like

"Buir says you need to eat more." *said to Obi-wan constantly*

"Buir said to take you to the healer halls." "Buir is a snitch." *anakin to Obi-wan who's hiding an injury*

"Buir says sorry for the shatterpoints. They didn't know it would do that." "That what would do that?" "They say im not old enough to know yet. Maybe in a couple thousand years theyll tell me." "... Where is Obi-wan?" *conversation with Mace Windu*(the force did some mystical eldritch magic mushrooms once and when they sobered up shatterpoints were a thing)

"Buir wants to talk to you." "Do this, how would I?" "Uh, they said meditate really hard. They'll try yelling and see if you can hear them." "Hmm bad idea i sense this is, try it I will." *conversation with Yoda hours before yoda falls into a Force induced coma for a few days while he, the Force and Qui-gon hang out*

The jedi also have to handle a child that can sometimes alter the very fabric of the universe to get extra dessert. They mainly let Obi-wan handle it since apparently Obi is the only one able to put Anakin in timeout without the Force getting grumpy about it.

I love the idea of Palpatine being outed way early by Anakin (age 10) who now has 0 filter for what the Force is telling them since they aren't going to get in trouble by a slave master for repeating it.

"Buir says you're a sleemo. It's not nice to pressure someone into giving you contact with a child." Anakin says in the middle of a gathering of senators. The Force had been ranting about Sheev being mean to Obi-wan for hours now.

"Anakin!" Obi-wan pretends to scold even tho he really didn't want to be here or let the Chancellor near his brother. Buir had been sending the very bad vibes.

"Well I hardly think an innocent invite to a small thank you party is pressuring." Sheev says trying to stop the side-eyes the senators are now giving him.

Anakin (who is now saying word for word what the Force is saying): "Calling someone every day for weeks and implying you'd cut funding to the temple if he didn't let you have access to me isn't an innocent invitation. Especially since you also implied you wanted more private meetings after."

Obi-wan sees the look of absolute rage on Sheevs face and decides it's time to go. He grabs his padwan and runs. Ignoring the instincts demanding he go back and EAT the Chancellor of the Republic.

The next day headlines all over the holonet are like 'Chancellor Palpatine on the run from authorities after being accused of trying to groom child'

Anakin to the council: "Buir says hes a Sith, so your welcome."

Obi-wan also in the council chamber: "Oh! So THATS why i had the strong urge to eat him."

The council sits in horrified silence for a while. Until Yoda sighs and says he'll be taking another vacation to talk to the force.

Sidious still tries for the Clone Wars. Only the Force is like not about that. They like how things are chill right now. Their kids are having fun doing Jedi things.

They have Obi-wan and Anakin find Kamino 3 years early. Both Anakin and Obi-wan kick Jango and the other trainers off planet. These clones are their family now. Looks like the jedi are getting a lot of new members. Just gotta get these chips out first.

The war still breaks out. Palpatine is head of the Separatists. Angry that his clone army was stolen he commissioned droids to replace them. His plan now is to crush the republic and jedi with brute force instead of a carefully executed betrayal, not hiding that he's a sith at this point.

Ahsoka is not the Forces child. At first. The council gives this feral child to Anakin to take care of and train praying that they will both mellow out. Shes perfect. Shes the same brand of disaster that the rest of them are. The force is constantly nagging at Anakin to give her sweets and wrap her in soft blankets and teach her how to stab better. Anakin learns very quickly that a feral Togruta with a laser sword hopped up on sugar isn't a great idea. That maybe listening to the eldritch being with no physical body for the sugar high togruta to latch onto with their teeth isn't the best plan for raising a child. How did Obi-wan manage this?

Obi-wan, having flashbacks to his padwan changing shape into a horrible nightmare fueled beast in the dead of night before crawling into Obi-wans bed or lighting a man on fire with his mind for flirting with Obi-wan too long or the time he simply tore a hole in reality to get another slice of cake, laughs and laughs and laughs. Cody pats him on the back. Clearly his adopted jetii'vod is having a breakdown.

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mooingandmooning

2 years ago

hey TOH i see that teen beach movie reference there you sneaky fuckers

133 notes View Post

mooingandmooning

2 years ago

if you need to hear it, then this is for you: forgive yourself for your regrets. you have grown since then, changed since then, and learned from your mistakes. you’re not the same person anymore, so here is your signal. it’s time to let the pain go.

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