As Much As I Long To Hear It It Eases My Mind To Realize The Reason You Can’t Say You Love Me Is Because

I keep typing out all my feelings to you Then I remember I’m not allowed anymore

I wonder if you wonder what I wonder

how can i feel  so empty and yet so full  all at once

I’d like to have compassion for him but I can’t I’ve already given him too much of my heart.

I want...

I want to rail. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to yell out horrible things about him and make him feel as useless and broken as I do.

I want his arms around me. I want him to stroke my hair and tell me it will be okay. I want to believe it will be okay. I want to be safe. And secure.

But no one hears my wants as they fall directly into the blackness which was once my heart.

Time again to box it all up. Put it away. Pretend I don’t feel. Time to lose myself in mundanity. Hide from passion. Give up on hope.

Dolly

I am your dolly You pull me down from my shelf    when you've nothing better to do To manipulate and pose me To play pretend Until another toy    catches your eye Then back I go Lifeless and empty    on my shelf

The darkness in my head thick viscid pulling me under

I once thought you had come to banish the darkness It turns out you only came to snuff out my remaining light

“It’s not fair!” “It’s not fair!!”

Echoing in my mind The cries of a child Not allowed to be a child 

Please don't remember me fondly

Remember me as the one who held your heart so softly, the one who loved you without restraint even when your love for me was a tangled mess which took years to unravel

Remember my patience and devotion as I sat at your feet, then how you crushed them under your heel

Remember me with pangs of guilt and regret when you think on your habit of assuring me I was safe with you then abandoning me once again

Don't remember me fondly, remember you killed me

It's not about you anymore.

If your name crosses my lips

It is in punishment of myself

For being the fool