I Hate The “get Out Of Your Comfort Zone” Sentiment Because Firstly Fuck You For Assuming Everyone

i.

The light in your eyes is not the street lamp that will guide me home. All of my friends tell me I make decisions too quickly for my own good, leave people too soon, but I’ve always believed love isn’t a sensation you can think through. You only feel it or you don’t. It’s either there or it’s not, it either exists like a fire in the darkest night your eyes have ever seen or never alighted at all. I’ve tried to run from that truth, I’ve tried to bury myself in arms that felt more like coffins than they did bedsheets. I tried to suffocate so you can breathe, I tried to drown myself because the you wanted me to become a part of your ocean so badly and I could never tell you “no”. I tried. And I tried. And I tried. But everything inside of me yearns for something more. Maybe there is so much darkness inside of me that I crave for the brightest of fires, something that will tear the fabric of my soul apart, but deep down I know you never managed as more than a flicker within me— not because you weren’t enough, but because you believed loving me was a habit instead of a revolution.

ii.

I am so much more than a “good morning” text or compliments I could find on Instagram posts. I am so much more than what you thought I needed to remain comfortable. Fuck, love is so much more than remaining comfortable. To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what love is supposed to feel like, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like being trapped. Deep down, I know I am meant for something greater than affection that reeks of routine and the fear that I’ll never find anything better. Love isn’t supposed to be a chore. Love isn’t supposed to feel like passing the time. Love isn’t supposed to be mediocre. Life is too short, too full, too beautiful to be populated by regular love and lovers who cannot understand that affection is more of a revolution than an emotion. I am sorry if I am asking for too much, but I would kill myself before I allow the fires that reside within me to slowly dim in light of an affection that never burned bright enough. I’m sorry women like me don’t come with warning signs, but I pray someday someone will fall in love with me due to the flames alone.

— ap (12.18) loving me was a revolution but you never learned how to handle fire

eating isn’t shameful. you aren’t ugly just because you’ve gained weight. calories are necessary. treating yourself is okay. please take care of yourself. your body loves you and depends on you to help it function properly.

PSA

telling your neurodivergent/mentally ill kid:

“you can’t do anything right without your meds”

“you’ll never amount to anything without your meds”

“i like you better on your meds”

“you’re stupid without your meds”

“you embarass me off your meds”

“you’re too embarassing to be seen in public without your meds"

“no one could ever want to be your friend without your meds”

“the meds must be working because you accomplished something”

“the meds are working because you’re quieter”

is EXACTLY THE SAME as telling them:

“you can’t do anything right”

“you’ll never amount to anything”

“i don’t like you”

“you’re stupid”

“i’m ashamed of you”

“you’re too embarrassing to be in public, i’m embarassed to be seen with you”

“no one could ever want to be your friend”

“you didn’t earn your accomplishments”

and “i wish you didn’t exist, so at least be quiet so i can pretend you don’t"

PASS IT ON

(this is not directed at anyone who chooses to take medication, this is about parents/siblings/ect. who talk to ppl this way)

STOP! TELLING! PEOPLE! THAT! NO! ONE! WILL! LOVE! THEM! UNTIL! THEY! LOVE! THEMSELVES! STOP! PLANTING! THE! IDEA! IN! PEOPLES! BRAINS! THAT! THEY! ARE! UNWORTHY! OF! LOVE! BECAUSE! OF! THEIR! OWN! STRUGGLE!

Neglect is abuse. It has the same effect on you. Being last on the priority list of people “have other things to worry about” is not how you grow up into an emotionally healthy person. You will accept being ignored and neglected because it’s whats expected of you. You will be grateful for crumbs of attention and seek for no more, no matter what. You will grow up dealing with every problem alone and learning to not reach out, not ask for help, not take away a second of someone’s precious time for your problems that surely couldn’t matter.

You learn to be quiet and invisible and to not show signs of pain. You learn to blame yourself for not speaking out, for suffering alone, as if you’re doing it on purpose. You learn to cope with being insignificant, because when you’re neglected, that’s a given. Surely, if you were of any importance, someone would care enough to notice, to talk to you, to see if anything’s wrong. To see if you’re drowning in depression and dissociating from the amount of pain you’re in. Surely, what you’re going thru would matter to someone.  

People who don’t care to give you attention are not people who love you and care for you. They don’t raise you, they don’t even learn who you are. And it’s only a matter of time before you fall into resignation and learn that being ignored and sent to the gates of hell to deal with demons all by yourself, is how your life will be. And the more dangerous part – if someone gives you predatory attention, if someone finds something they can use within you, something they can tear away for their own purposes – it will feel welcome, it will make you feel like finally, you’re good for something. Finally, someone is looking at you. You’ll welcome people who use and hurt you, because even that is better than to be completely and utterly abandoned and ignored by the world. Neglect will make you welcome abusers in your life, not only without caution, but with gratitude that even for a moment, you’re not feeling neglected anymore.

We look at people who leave relationships like they’re monsters like how could you just decide you don’t want someone anymore when they treat you well and maybe they gave up a job for you or moved, whatever. But really we’re allowed at any time to decide ‘I don’t want to do this anymore’ no matter what someone has done for us. Why should I have to stay unhappy just because you treat me well? And okay, maybe I have no reason to be unhappy in the first place if you treat me so well, but that’s a separate issue. Because what it comes down to is it doesn’t matter why I feel this way, just that I do. And that’s allowed. And it doesn’t matter how great you are or what you’re willing to do for me because sometimes it’s just not going to be the right path for me no matter how smooth you pave it.

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.”

— Pablo Neruda, excerpt from Sonnet XVII (I Do Not Love You…)

Temples are built for gods. Knowing this a farmer builds a small temple to see what kind of god turns up.

A lesson on dissociation/dissassociation:

Dissociation can be difficult to understand, especially if you haven’t had much experience in knowledge of it. Dissociation in basics represents a disconnect among one’s thoughts, emotions, behaviors, memories, and identity. Below is a list of classic signs that you are dissociating.

Depersonalization: Depersonalization is the experience of feeling separation from yourself and your body. People who experience such a feeling usually observe that they feel like they are watching their own body from the outside, or from another perspective.

Derealization: Derealization is vaguely similar to depersonalization, but it is a feeling of detachment from the external world, such as other people or objects. Derealization may cause familiar things to become unfamiliar.

Amnesia: Some people who experience dissociation have fluent periods of amnesia, of which they are feeling as if they don’t know who or where they are. There can be any amount of time in which they are awake and alert but cannot remember what they were doing.

Identity Confusion: Probably the most common experience, this occurs when a sufferer experiences an inner struggle about who they really are, their identity, what their personality is, why they are alive etc.

Identity Alteration: This is an experience of a person who senses that they act like a different person some of the time, creating a personality tailored to take place around each specific person in one’s life. Things like voices, clothing and interests differ amongst each loved one.

A common occurance of dissociation in everyday life is zoning out. You might be walking along the street, listening to music and you become so unfocused on reality and so focused on a thought or image that you miss a section of conscious walking. And to your surprise, you’re still upright and walking.

All of this is very common in bpd, and it can be quite frightening if it’s never happened to you before. The first step is accepting that you do dissociate. We have experienced a series of traumatic events and our minds try to block it out in an attempt of protection. You will have to accept that in a stressful environment, memories of the trauma will try to come back, but it is only a natural way of your brain reminding you of the danger and as a result we dissociate to stay safe. Many will not have the ability to face those traumas right then, however that does not mean you never will. But, a dissociative episode can be dangerous depending on where you are, so it’s definitley best to try your hardest to refocus and rettach if you can. Stay safe out there.