So How Can I Hate Her?

“One day, he’s going to know. He’ll know your birthday, your middle name, where you were born, your star sign, and your parent’s names. He’ll know how old you were when you learned to play violin, how your grandparents passed away, how many pets you had, and how much you hated going to school. He’ll know your eye colour, your scars, your laugh lines, and your birthmarks. He’ll know your favourite book, movie, candy, food, pair of shoes, colour, and song. He’s going to know why you wake up in the middle of the night most nights, where you were when you realised you had lost yourself, why you picked up the razor, and how you managed to put it down before things went too far. He’s going to know your phobias, your dreams, your fears, your wishes, and your worries. He’s going to know about your first heartbreak, your dream wedding, and your problems with your mother. He’ll know your strengths, weaknesses, laziness, energy, and your mixed emotions. He’s going to know about your love for all things salted caramel, your dream of being a vet when you were five, your need to sing along to every song you know, and your fears of growing older. He’ll know your bad habits, your mannerisms, your stroppy pout, your facial expressions, and your laugh like it’s his favourite song. The way you chew, drink, walk, sleep, fidget, and kiss. He’s going to know that you’ve already picked out wedding flowers, baby names, tiles for the bathroom, bridesmaid dresses, and the colour of your bedroom walls. He’s going to know, get annoyed at and then accept that you leave clean clothes out for days, get scared ordering at a store, have to organise your DVD’s by genre, and check your horoscope… just in case. He’ll know your McDonald’s order, how you don’t like sugar in your coffee, how many scoops of ice cream you want, and that you don’t like sandwiches unless they’re toasted. He’s going to know how you feel without telling him, when you’re holding in a laugh, and that you’re crying without shedding tears. He’s going to know all of it. Everything. You, from top to bottom and inside out. From learning, from sharing, from listening, from watching. He’s going to know every single thing there is to know, and you know what else? He is still going to love you.”

— He’ll Know / Love

Hi brain, you obstinate fucker. I drank the clear splashy stuff. I ate the green things. I went under that bright fucker up there. I did the thing with the moving and sweating and whatnot. Now make the happy chemical, you lump of fuck.

reminder that many abuse victims get triggered by anger, whether it’s directed at them or not. please be mindful of your actions

Just a friendly reminder that the brain of those who have suffered trauma is physically different than a “normal brain”. Trauma and abuse has a severe, long-term psychological and neurological effect. This is why you have difficulty concentrating, why you have trouble sleeping, why you can’t seem to stay focused, why you cry at the drop of the hat, why you’re not satisfied with yourself, why you think everything is your fault, why you think you’re toxic, why you’re full of regret and you don’t know why.

And get this. When you experienced this trauma, no matter how long it happened or how many times, your brain instantaneously made judgments about the world, your sense of self, and others. This is why you’re paranoid. Why you trust no one. Why you perceive things to exist that aren’t true in reality. It’s why people say you’re crazy, over-dramatic, or too emotional.

You may not heal in a day, but know this: it is not your fault. Your brain is responding to trauma.

emotional abuse is when someone does something to hurt you, and when you express your feelings, that you’re upset, they turn it around to be something you did to hurt them and they force you to apologize for it, and your feelings, like always, are rendered invalid and silenced, forever damaging the ability to trust others with your feelings because they always are used against you.

When I was training to be a battered women’s advocate, my supervisor said something that really blew my mind:

“You can always assume one thing about your clients; and that is that they are doing their best. Always assume everyone is doing their best. And if they’re having a day where their best just isn’t that great, or their best doesn’t look like your best, you have to be okay with that.”

Any now whenever anyone in my life, either a friend or a client, frustrates me, disappoints me, or pisses me off, I just tell myself They are doing their best. Their best isn’t that great today, but I have days where my best isn’t that great either. 

Every time I see you

I think

"This is it

I could never love a person more"

And then you show me these new things

These new ways to love

New things to fall for

New ways to feel.

I don't know how you do it

But you out do yourself

Every damn time.

“i am slowly forgetting your smell, the sound of your steps, and the hand motions you make while talking but i’m so sure, whenever i’ll see you again, i’ll recognise these immediately and it’ll feel like coming home after a long tiring day.”

— long distance.

one of the weirdest things about bpd is having extreme abandonment issues but having the urge to abandon everyone you know

Me, clearly traumatized: yeah, but like, what if I’m faking it??? Like, what if it’s not real???