Me: *reads Post About Bpd*

“Let someone love you just the way you are - as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe you must hide of all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.”

— Marc Hack

Me: I really miss my FP

BPD: your FP hates you.

Me: what? no, that's not true

BPD: you miss them. you keep texting, begging for validation, which they provide. you aren't satisfied, you text again. you text some more. you apologize. you're overbearing, annoying. you ask if you're being annoying, which is, in itself, annoying. they hate you.

Me: holy shit you're right im so sorry

BPD: don't apologize that's manipulative

A comic about controlling your symptoms and trying to get other people to understand why it’s so hard to do so, in goo form

Hey, guess what?

If you have a shitty father, you’re allowed to be angry about it.

If you have a shitty father, you don’t have to love them.

If you have a shitty father, you don’t have to feel bad or guilty about being angry and not loving them.

Your feelings are VALID.

They had no right to treat you like that.

Do something nice for yourself today; you earned it.

“You guys are dating right?” he asks. I shake my head in confusion. “No,” I answer. The answer hurts; physically and emotionally. He frowns. “But the way you guys look at each other…” I shake my head, smiling sadly.”

— excerpt from a story i’ll never write #7 // thewriterain

“But I must admit I miss you terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby.”

— Lemony Snicket

Anger has an important role in human beings, protection, feeling of being valuable and worthy of protection and justice. If your anger isn’t repressed and pushed back, and someone treats you like shit, your anger immediately jumps up to protect you against bullshit. If everyone around you is treated better than you for no apparent reason (nothing you did to deserve it), your anger again jumps up and demands better for you. If someone hurts you really badly, your anger is here to let them know that nobody can get away with hurting you like that, because you matter enough to be protected from harm.

 Anger can be destructive when used wrong, like controlling someone (who is not currently presenting a threat to you), taking shit out on someone who didn’t deserve it, forcing dominance over someone who can’t fight back, and as a way of avoiding being subjected to the truth/called out for abuse. That’s mostly how abusers use it,  and why a lot of victims see it as nothing but toxic, horrible, dangerous and scary thing, and recognizing anger within themselves can give them feeling of dread and like they’re becoming abusive themselves.

Anger in victims presents a problem for abusers, and a lot of victims experience helplessness and inability to be angry or feel anger, even the thought of it makes them feel dreadful and guilty, that’s because abusers make sure in one way or another, that all of victim’s anger will be punished, until they learn they’re not allowed to be angry. This causes anger to build up, now it’s not only  one time injustice and harm has been done, it’s thousands, tens  of thousands time. This is how rage generates within a person, and any further ridicule, provocation or attack from abusers end up with them feeling infuriated, because it’s been too much for a long, long time. 

Anger being built up can eat a person from inside, and it can manifest in self harm, dissociation, numbness/blankness, depression, anxiety. Directing that anger at other people who aren’t the cause of it, doesn’t help much, even in short term it will not give out any resolution. If you haven’t been able to process and feel anger normally for years, it will feel impossible and incredibly frustrating for your body if you start feeling it, and you’ll want it to stop at any price. But, after a while, a person can go back to normal processing of anger, even though, if there’s been a lot of it, it will still mean strong, extreme bursts of rage. 

People who’ve been dealing with pent up anger have already proved to have immense self control, immense survival instincts and aren’t likely to end up  hurting others the way they’ve been hurt, what’s most important is for that anger to be directed back at the cause of it - abusers. It’s vital to develop hatred of those who would dare to harm you while you were vulnerable and unprotected,  this, is exactly what hatred is for. Only expressing anger at abusers, at their actions, their personality, their weaknesses and toxic, abusive choices will erase guilt, anxiety and get you closer to healing. 

When you’re being abused, being accused of something is equal to being guilty of said thing, and thus being convicted/punished. You can’t defend yourself either, as you’ll be invalidated/gaslighted/otherwise manipulated or threatened into silence or agreeing with the abuser. That, or your self-defense will automatically be taken as evidence of your “guilt.” Sometimes they won’t give you a chance to speak. Sometimes you’ll wonder if you’re actually guilty of said thing, and you just forgot because the abuser made you believe your brain is defective, etc.

This is all vile, manipulative, and scummy bullshit. Abusers are just trying to feel powerful and justified in abusing you. They gaslight and silence you so you can’t interfere with their fantastical delusions. And it’s usually over petty things too (which goes to show how immature abusers are).

Me, clearly traumatized: yeah, but like, what if I’m faking it??? Like, what if it’s not real???