“And What If I’m On His Mind As Much As He Is In Mine.”

self-destruction doesn’t always look like taking too many pills or cutting your skin open. sometimes it’s drinking coffee when you know caffeine gives you panic attacks. sometimes it’s crossing the street without looking both ways. sometimes it’s showering with the water a little too hot. sometimes it’s avoiding eye contact with your reflection in the mirror or ridiculing your problems rather than addressing them. sometimes it’s walking out without sunscreen in scorching heat and not wearing enough when it’s freezing out. self destruction isn’t always physical mutilation, mostly it’s masked as little things so never assume what someone may be going through just bc they don’t show you visible signs of suffering.

Heartbreak is when you’re trying to move on but they keep popping up in your dreams and say the words you’d wish they’d say.

dreaming of you again (via sinfulxo)

“He’s just a beautiful boy with a beautiful soul. And I love him.”

—

You might be suffering the consequences of long term abuse if:

you feel uncomfortable taking credit for things you did

you feel uncomfortable being praised or complimented, and you feel like sudden expectation or blackmail are coming up afterwards, you need to find intentions behind praise

someone getting mad at you is absolutely terrifying and you’ll do anything to avoid it

you don’t ever feel it’s safe to stand up for yourself, you can predict that even if you did that, ultimately you’d only be punished and hurt even worse, and you can’t risk it

you always analyze every situation with „am I bothering these people? Is my presence a burden to everyone?“ even when you’re with friends or at a place where you were invited

you don’t feel like a part of anything, not your family or your peer group, you worry everyone is going to figure out that you’re out of line trying to pretend to be a part of their group and reject you

you worry that you have no value to anyone and you feel like you need to deserve to be a part of society

you feel inexplicably ashamed of yourself, there are so many situations you can’t talk about, or even think about without feeling overwhelming shame

you keep feeling everything bad that happens is your fault, even for things that aren’t related to you directly, you feel responsible and like you should have done something to prevent it

you feel like everything would be better if only you didn’t exist

you struggled with suicidal thoughts before (or still struggle with them)

you feel like anyone who hurts you is justified in doing so and you deserve to be hurt

you’re terrified of being punished for anything you do, and don’t do, to the point where you paralyze and can’t do things you’re supposed to do at times, because you can’t tell if it’s going to end up in you suffering punishment

you don’t feel comfortable being touched or cuddled, you feel like it makes you weak if you desire it

you don’t feel okay showing big emotions in front of anyone, you feel your feelings in secret, or not at all

nobody knows just in how much pain you are. You don’t show it.

you can tell that even if you did talk to someone about your problems, you’d be accused of exaggerating, asking for attention, faking it, or being weak for not controlling your emotions better

you feel like the dream of a good life, where you’re loved and happy and cherished, is something completely unrealistic and it feels silly to even imagine it, it’s out of reach for you

If it’s only a few you can relate to, they can be caused by outside factors, but if you relate to almost all of these, it’s likely you’ve been living in a situation that is unbearable for human being without severely affecting their personality and mental health. Abuse can cause all of this, and these are not little things, this is lowered quality of life.

Hey, guess what?

If you have a shitty father, you’re allowed to be angry about it.

If you have a shitty father, you don’t have to love them.

If you have a shitty father, you don’t have to feel bad or guilty about being angry and not loving them.

Your feelings are VALID.

They had no right to treat you like that.

Do something nice for yourself today; you earned it.

Something people don’t understand about child abuse

One of the things that I really hate is that people don’t understand that survivors act differently and respond to their traumas in different ways.

I’m a survivor of csa and so is my friend. Her trauma made her extremely hypersexual while I could literally cry if someone even touched me.

My bf is a survivor of csa, I can talk for hours about my trauma if I felt safe enough while he NEVER brings it up.

A friend of mine is a survivor of emotional abuse and so am I. Her trauma made her angry while mine made me soft and defenseless.

My bf remembers every little detail about his trauma, while I repressed most of my childhood and traumas.

There’s no special “criteria” that you should fill in order to be a “valid” survivor, and there’s no specific way you should act if you were abused.

People respond to their traumas differently and it’s okay, your abuse is STILL valid no matter how you respond to it.

Even in the same town, the same house, the same bed- we were always going to be in different places.

Poetry At Most

PTSD things

taking lots of baths and showers

constant flashbacks. sometimes you don’t even know what they’re about

you’re told you’re jumpy all the time

you always look behind you

craving abuse

alternating between missing your abuser and hating them with all your guts

was it my fault?

constantly distracting yourself from memories

you freeze at the mention of their name

overwhelming anxiety and unexplained fear

you convince yourself you deserved the abuse

you can’t relate to peers

you think you’ll be sick forever

unable to remember key parts of the abuse

remembering too much all at once

developing unhealthy coping mechanisms

you flinch every time someone raises their arm, or makes an abrupt movement

you age regress

you’re told you act “mature” for your age

always feeling like something’s going to go wrong

“Don’t use your mental illness as an excuse” means “Change your behavior, apologize, and do better next time.” 

“Don’t use your mental illness as an excuse” DOES NOT mean “Your symptoms are your fault, your disorder is not even an explanation, and you are a bad person if you behave less than neurotypical”

I hate you for making me love you so much when you couldn’t give a damn about me