“That Blissful Moment When She Is Wrapped Around Me And Nothing Else Matters In The World. She’s

reminder that many abuse victims get triggered by anger, whether it’s directed at them or not. please be mindful of your actions

I want this.

I want us.

I want you.

Forever.

“I don’t know where stand with you. And I don’t know what I mean to you. All I know is every time I think of you, I want to be with you.”

—

What it feels like to fall out of love with someone

I have seen so many posts about relationships ending, but none of them are ever from the point of view of the people who do the ending. So many posts about not being loved anymore, but I’ve never seen one about what it’s like to fall out of love with someone.

It’s when you see them and you don’t feel that same rush you once did. It’s not caring whether you can call them or not. It’s everything about them that annoys you, things you previously ignored, starting to slip in.

It’s denial. It’s horror at your own thoughts, because what are you even thinking? You love this person. You want to be with them, always. It’s telling yourself, ‘Of course I want to be with them, why wouldn’t I?’

And it’s pushing every single thought away, refusing to acknowledge it, until it eventually gets too much and you have to ask yourself, is this really what I want?

And it goes from not being happier when you see them, to not wanting to see them at all, and finding excuses, because you can’t look them in the eye, this person who loves you and who cares for you, a person who thinks you feel the same, but it’s fading and you’re doing all you can to hold on, but you just can’t.

It’s feeling sick as they tell you they love you because you know you have to say it back, because of course you love them, you have to, but as the words leave your mouth, you can taste bile at the lie.

It’s hating yourself, because this person, who cares about you, who wants to be with you, who is willing to put up with whatever you can throw at them, and you can’t do the same.

It’s the chemistry and the intimacy fading because you’re trying to force yourself because you’re still in denial, and it just makes you miserable.

It’s the eventual realisation that despite your best efforts, it just isn’t there for you. It’s telling your friends, breaking down and asking what the hell do I do, because if they can’t help you, no one can. It’s months and months all building up, and it’s more denial, more hating yourself, because this person, this person who loves you and cares for you, and you’re about to throw it back in their face.

It’s saying it to yourself at two in the morning, not being able to sleep because it’s all you can think about, and for one pure instant, all you feel is relief at finally having admitted it after lying to yourself for so long.

It’s the realisation that you have to tell them, because while you don’t love them, you care about them and the last thing you want to do is hurt them. It’s realising their parents will hate you for something you can’t properly explain, something their friends will never forgive you for, the feeling of letting down all those people.

It’s that awful, awful conversation, and while their world is shattering, all you can feel is relief. It’s more self hatred after, because you have completely and utterly destroyed someone, and you’re relieved about it.

It’s seeing them around a few months later, and they still look like they’re not completely okay, and it’s a sick feeling in your stomach when you make eye contact, and they walk away as quickly as possible.

It is the worst thing you can do to someone, but you just feel relieved you don’t have to lie to them anymore, lie to their parents, their friends.

It’s hating yourself for months, and doubting yourself and everything you do. It screws with your head, and it is one of the worst feelings imaginable.

Every time I see you

I think

"This is it

I could never love a person more"

And then you show me these new things

These new ways to love

New things to fall for

New ways to feel.

I don't know how you do it

But you out do yourself

Every damn time.

It is likely you will feel the worst of your trauma only after you’re safely away from your abusers. A lot of you need to hear this and be prepared. Even if you didn’t have a strong reaction to trauma while it was going on, even if you felt like you were fine, and even if you can manage your symptoms now, once you’re safe (as in, abusers physically can’t get to you), the absolute worst of trauma will hit you because it will be finally, for the first time in your life, safe to feel it. This can mean exhaustion like you’ve never felt before, because it’s the first time you’re allowed to rest, and you don’t have to expect a sneak attack like you normally would. It can mean more panic attacks, more breakdowns, flashbacks, nightmares, feelings of terror, re-living past, feeling frozen in trauma, paralyzing, shaking, crying, having your entire body hurt and ache, your chest feeling like it’s tearing in pieces. You might experience bursts of rage and feel so irritated and restless you’ll want to jump out of your body. Your fear of the abuser will increase thousandfold and you will feel like you’d rather die than spend one additional second in their presence after what they did to you. It will become completely insane to you that you were able to live in their presence ever before.

This post-trauma effect isn’t irrational or exaggerating, if you feel this it’s because this is how horrible the trauma really was, but your were not able to feel it in the moment for several reasons; one of them is that it was unsafe to feel those things in front of abusers, they have already taught you that you will be punished for displaying trauma symptoms in front of them. To be additionally hurt in the middle of such pain would be unsurvivable. The other is that it would have killed you to feel all that as a kid. Keeping all that repressed to feel later is your body’s strategy of survival, you can only feel it now because you’re still alive in order to do it.

What you’re going thru is extreme and something nobody on the earth should be put thru. No matter what you do, do not blame yourself for your symptoms, because it’s impossible for you to cause this to yourself. Know that whoever caused this to you did it on purpose, and is absolutely evil for it. You did not deserve this. Go easy on yourself and allow yourself more comfort, more rest, more ease than ever, you do not need any additional stress, grief or self hatred in this time of your life. It is awful, and extreme, but it will get better. It wouldn’t be happening if your body didn’t estimate that you can survive it. It will come in waves, so don’t despair if you get a little better and then worse, it’s designed to allow your body a little rest before the next wave hits it, again in order to be survivable. Trust your body to know what to do, because it already pulled you thru so much trauma alive. And do not trust anyone who doesn’t think you should be safe from people who have done this to you. And do not trust anyone who doesn’t think you should be safe from people who have done this to you.

“If you want someone permanent, don’t push that someone away. I know how hard it is to have this desire for closeness for a certain someone while having this urge to push that someone away. I’m still learning how to feel deserving of love despite how much pain it has caused me in the past. I’m still learning how to overcome my past traumas because I still have this fear of eventually being rejected, hurt and having all my emotional investments towards this certain someone tossed out the window. I’m still learning how to communicate my abandonment issues without feeling like the powerless person in the relationship. I’m still learning how not to let my emotional issues get in the way of me having the love that I want to deserve because as for now I think she’s too good, too perfect for me. I’m still learning, and maybe that’s all we can do for now as long as we don’t push that certain someone we love away. And maybe we aren’t good enough, and maybe we are, and maybe there are no maybes when it comes to love. I don’t know what’s certain anymore with relationships nowadays, but I’m sure of one thing: that not every person who is willing to love you is out there to destroy you. And you and me and everyone who feels this way must learn that it’s okay to fall in love with someone who lights up the entire sky and try not to think of that someone as someone who’s temporary and just don’t push that someone away even if it’s hard not to. Because what the world needs less are people who feel like they’re entirely to be blamed for their loneliness. So if you want someone permanent, don’t push that someone away. You deserve love.”

— Juansen Dizon, To Those It May Concern

What to do when you are having a panic attack…

Hey now. It’s going to be alright. You are going to be ok. Things might be scary for a while and it might hurt a little bit but you are going to be ok.

First thing I want you to do for me is focus on your breathing. Ignore whatever thoughts are going on in your head, any activity that is happening around you. Focus on your breathing.  

Alright. We are gonna try now ok? It might hurt a little bit but the pain will go away.

Follow the pattern:

In two three four

Out two three four

Again

In two three four

Out two three four

Make your breaths slow and deep. Its ok.

In two three four

Out two three four

It’s going to be ok. You are safe. Breathe.

In two three four

Out two three four

You are loved. You are wanted.

In two three four

Out two three four

Its ok. You’re ok. Slow and deep. Keep breathing.

In two three four

Out two three four

Keep going.Just breathe.

If you would rather have a visual to help you can try this.

I found that this one helps a lot. Just focus on the gif. Match your breathing with that. Its going to be ok.

Keep looking at these. If your breathing is not better, its ok. Look back and try to get it steady. No one is rushing you. If at any time you need to come back to these exercises its ok. You do them as many times as you need to, as often as you need to.There is no time limit to becoming ok. Just breathe. It’s gonna be alright.

Now that you can breathe lets try to do a little more ok? Remember, if your breathing gets worse go back to the section above until it gets better. It’s not a bad thing to have to go back. Its ok.

I want you to feel where you are. Are you standing? Sitting? Lying down? If you are standing, try to find a possible spot to sit down. The floor is perfectly ok. If you can’t find a place to sit, lean against a wall at the very least. If you are sitting in a high chair or in one that is hard to balance on, see if you can find a sturdier place to sit. If you are lying down you are ok. If you can’t tell what you are doing its ok. Don’t panic. Try to find something solid to be against.

The next thing I want you to do for me is relax. You might be very tense right now. That tension could be making it worse. So we are going to try to get rid of it, alright? Even if you don’t feel tense it is still a good idea to try this. You could be tense but not feel it.

We are gonna start to relax now. The first thing I want you to focus on is your toes. Are they clenched? If they are, try to uncurl them. Next are the muscles in your feet. Try to relax them. It’s ok. Relax so that the muscle is not tight.

Now go to your lower leg, your calf. Is it tense? Relax the muscle. What about your upper leg, your thigh? Relax.  

Now move to your fingers. If they are clenched, relax them its ok. Now the rest of your hand. And your arm. Relax. Its ok

Next is your neck. Let  go of all the tension that you feel.

Now your chest. Just relax completely. Its gonna be ok. It might feel a little weird. But it is gonna be ok.

If you can’t relax or if your body is too tight, its ok. It really is. If you can’t relax try to grab onto something near you, that is not you, like a blanket or a book. You can grab your shirt if you need to. Ok?

Think about your breathing again. How is it doing? Are you still breathing normally? If not, go back and focus on it. Its ok, take the time you need. Once your breathing is ok, keep going.

Hopefully you feel a little better. Is there anyone you can call? Or someone who might help you? Is there someone you need to get in touch with to let them know that you need help? If you can, contact the people you feel comfortable with to tell them that you need help. If you don’t want to call them you can text them. You aren’t bothering them. They want to help you. Its ok, don’t be scared.

If you don’t have anyone to contact, its ok. You don’t have to or need to.

Check your breathing again. Is it ok? If not, do some breathing exercises. Its ok.

Next I want you to check and see if you are hurt. Did you hit your head or are you bleeding anywhere? Do you need to get help from someone or go to the hospital?

You might still be in some pain in your chest. Its ok. It should go away really soon. If it doesn’t you should go to the doctor to see if they can help you.

If you are hurt try to take care of yourself. Ice any bumps and bandage any cuts. If you need to wait to do this until you can move better, it is ok. Just make sure that you do it eventually.

If you are not physically hurt, then stay calm and keep breathing. It’s good that you aren’t hurt. Were gonna keep going on the path to making you feel better. How’s your breathing doing? Remember take it nice and slow.

If you can, I want you to go get some water. It will help you feel better. It doesn’t have to be a lot, but you do need some. Take small sips, but try to finish all of it. If you have to get up and you are still shaky make sure that you stay close to the walls and keep yourself from falling. Its going to be ok.

If you don’t have access to water another type of liquid will do. If you don’t have access to any type of drink, it is ok. When you get the chance make sure to get some.

Even if you are feeling a bit queasy, you should still drink a little bit. It will help settle your stomach and help you feel better.

If you feel up to it could you eat a small something for me? It doesn’t have to be a full meal, just some crackers or a granola bar. If you don’t think you can its ok. You are perfectly fine.

Keep breathing darlin. You are doing so wonderfully. You are going to be ok.

Its going to be ok. Whatever you were worried or panicked about, it will be ok. Things have a way of working themselves out. The only thing that you need to focus on right now is feeling better.

Don’t think about work or school. Just breathe.

You are ok. You are safe here. Nothing is going to hurt you. You are protected by your tumblr family and we are not going anywhere. We won’t let anything hurt you. You are safe here. You can always come here and find comfort. Its ok.

You are loved. You are such a wonderful, unique person. I could not imagine the world without you. You hold a special place in my heart and no one else could fill it. It doesn’t matter if we talk every day or if you have never messaged me or if you don’t even know who I am. I still love you.

You are wanted. You are so special. There will never be a time that I will not appreciate you. It is ok. If there is a voice telling you that you are unimportant, it is lying. You are so very important. I promise you. You are wanted.

You are beautiful. It doesn’t matter who you are. It doesn’t matter what you identify as, your skin color, hair color, height, size, face shape, hair color or texture, or origins. You are beautiful. It doesn’t matter if you have freckles, dimples, birthmarks, stretchmarks, scars, or acne. You are beautiful. It doesn’t matter if you spend two hours on make up, or wear none. It doesn’t matter if you wear the latest fashions or have clothes that are hand-me-downs or from ten years ago. It doesn’t matter if you are disabled or if you are missing a limb. It doesn’t matter if you don’t fit into societies standards. You are beautiful. Absolutely enchanting. It doesn’t matter who you are. You are beautiful.

You are going to be ok.

How are you feeling darlin? Is your breathing ok?

There is one last thing I want you to do for me.

I want you to get comfortable. Alright?

Take a shower if you want. Or a bath. Make the water comfortable and get yourself clean. Use the soap that smells really good or that bath bomb that you really like. Take your time. There is no rush. Put lotion on after you are done. All over. Do any other cleansing routines you have. Drink a little bit more water.

Get dressed in your comfiest clothes whether that is a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt or a nightgown or a onesie its ok. Just get comfortable. Don’t forget the socks if you want them.

Grab a blanket. Go to the place you like being the most. A comfy chair, the couch, or your bed. Get warm. Get comfy. Now do something that relaxes you. That makes you happy. Reading, watching your favorite show, writing, drawing, anything. Do something you enjoy. Bake some cookies. Throw a dance party. Take a nap. Do some knitting. Or that one thing you always wanted to do but you couldn’t find the time to do.

Be happy. Be warm. Relax.

Its gonna be ok darlin.

I got you.

You are safe.

And loved.

And wanted.

You are gonna be alright.

I’m right here for you.

I really hope this helps y’all. Always feel free to message me and I will try to help you in anyway I can. Keep in mind, this might not help everybody. I tried to be inclusive and put everything I thought would help but chances are I missed something.

I hope you feel better now. Keep your chin up. We stand strong together.

Love you all, Eve 💜