Sam And Prince Frodo Rizzing Each Other Up When Ever Frodo Visits The Shire

Bilbo has terrible mental health but that brain is a fucking vault and he covers everything with the bitchy meanness that only a Baggins could muster

who from lotr most needs therapy and who would actually go to therapy 😇

LOTR Therapy Reactions:

Frodo: is a little bit reluctant at first and feels like he’s “taking away resources from people who need them more” a bit, but learns that he needs them just as much, not to compare himself to others, and settles down well.

Elrond: motherfucker tries to mansplain therapy techniques to the therapist in the first session, spends the entirety of the second session crying hysterically, and from that moment on is a total therapy nerd. he literally decorates his CBT notebooks. asks if he can get extra points for turning his worksheets early. literally treats his final session like he’s fucking graduating college and makes everyone attend in formalwear.

Pippin: argues with the therapist, who quickly wises up to his bantering ways and essentially starts doing talk-therapy masqueraded as an improv-comedy session. weirdly enough, it works, and he reports feeling much better.

Thranduil: books 10 sessions, doesn’t even go to the first one, and instead of asking for a refund, just straight up files a chargeback on his AMEX

Maedhros: sends Google hate mail every time it dares to show him an advert to a therapy service, which is a vicious cycle because he keeps Googling “how to prove therapy is a capitalist scam” and “cure panic attack reddit” and “cancel nightmare subscription”

Legolas and Gimli: wandered in by accident thinking it was a Starbucks, has no clue what therapy is, and genuinely just assume they’re gossiping with a strangely professional barista. they have been attending for the last 20 years and as a result have outstanding mental health

Fëanor: someone suggests a therapist to him after the third time he set his microwave on fire after it melted his cheese too much. he looks up said therapist, reports them to the registered psychologist regulatory body for no reason, and pulls political strings to ensure they lose their practice license. he has never met this person.

Bilbo Baggins: therapist drops him in 3 weeks with “yeah you’re fine move on” because he makes her cry every session. not because his mental health mind you but because he keeps being subtly mean about her fashion choices and room decorations.

Celegorm: banned from therapy centre before his first session for barking like a dog when the receptionist asked for his health insurance number.

I’m going to the market :D the creek looks pretty this morning

I will continue to but out Avenge the living chapter two but I have a very very large fanfiction about a modern AU in the works and I’ll try to give a blurb/teaser soon

So Thorin and Bilbo tied the knot but Thorin never totally got over his dragon sickness and thus I present to you, a illustration I gave up on half way though of King-Consort under the mountain, Bilbo, Son of Belladonna.

Bilbo looks very pretty but very tired and haunted in his royal portrait. The consorts crown is definitely too heavy for his wee head. But Thorin likes his little consort in expensive and shiny things 😭

(I might rework/finish it later)

Got art block, please me patient with me guys

when the fic is so good you need to exit out of the browser app and scroll on tumblr for a few minutes to process what you’re reading

Something to say when someone says something really super:

“Oh god the canary is dead, everyone get out”

Bilbo you can’t just stare like that buddy..

tried some new brushes.. bilbo’s reaction as a bonus:

Hey so what if Bilbo fully just drove Sting up through Azogs chest on the Karak and that was the end of it?

I love time travel AUs so much so let me just…

Avenge the living.

Tw: graphic depictions of battle (very graphic)

Bilbo watched in horror as Thorin was flung across the outcrop like a rag doll, hitting the flat rock like a body on a sacrificial stone, at best he had the wind knocked out of him, at worst he’d have a broken back.

Last time this had all happened he’s managed to walk away but Bilbo honestly couldn’t remember if he had fallen like that before. He cringed and steeled himself.

In the black speech Azog summoned a minion almost his own size to behead Thorin.

Last time it had all been flailing, desperate chaos, this time Bilbo sucked in a deep breath and sprinting, sword forward and close to his side until the final moment where he thrust Sting up and in, somewhere between the orcs floating rib, he yanked upwards on the handle of the blade and heard the putrid popping and sloshing as he rended the side of his blade though the orcs central mass, all it could do was look shocked for two seconds before collapsing dead on top of the king. Bilbo hadn’t turned his sword to catch in the orcs ribs and easily pulled it free. It stunk of the guts it had just shorn through and Bilbo tried not to wretch, he didn’t have time, in two more seconds the company would decent and this would be Bilbos only chance.

He had to kill the white orc. Tonight.

When the fighting began Bilbo was glad to see that for the remainder of his last life what small amount of practice he had kept up with a blade had done him good and sting felt all to right in his hands so when he came nose to nose with the great Worg matriarch that Azog rode upon, Bilbo suprised even himself when he thrust his sword up, piercing the monster from the chin up into her brain, the beast didn’t even howl, she just crumbled, Azogs eyes went wide as he toppled.

The rest of the company continued to dispatch the remaining orcs and Bilbo knew it would be only seconds until the great eagles arrived. It didn’t matter. He had lived his life before and if it ended now it would have been a fine life, full of love and adventure and he would be remembered well.. So while Azog was still freeing himself from under his dead mount Bilbo charged, silent as the grave, leaping onto the Worgs side and propelling himself straight for Azog in what must have looked like a tackle. But he had to intention of grappling the monster, instead he blade shot out again, lower then he would have liked, somewhere around the orcs kidneys, Bilbo assumed. It didn’t matter, he turned the blade vertically and shoved hard and up, until the gash he made in the orcs side was large enough for his hands to regrettably follow the blade in.

Oh course it couldn’t be so easy. Azog was a great and terrible warrior and he would not go down without taking someone with him, his prosthetic blade stabbed deep into Bilbos chest.

Everything seemed to grow quiet and slow, Bilbos heart was all he could hear as he starred down at Azog as blood bubbled out of the orcs mouth and Bilbo actually smiled. He wasn’t sure if he said it or thought it but “For Thorin” where the last words to cross the hobbits mind before it all went black.

Lost in that darkness he was sure he could hear people calling his name. Maybe it was the elves, rousing him for tea.. or maybe it was young Frodo, trying to get him to carry on with what ever story he dozed off half way through.

“Bilbo!”

“Burglar!”

No one in Rivendale or the Shire had ever called him.. Burglar.. so where was he?

No one asked but this was my dinner

That mango died a brutal and gorey death.. post mango clarity is real…