I Still Love You

Dear Guardian Angel,

My gums are bleeding

I still haven't eaten

Do you pity me?

Please don't

I do this to myself

I self sabotage when things get better and act like it's the end of the world

I dug my own grave

Do you feel anything at all…

You were assigned to me

I'm sorry

My observer

For all the things you've seen

For all my thoughts you hear

For all the words I utter

And still I hope you can see that this is not truly me

I am is whatever I've seen on tv

I'm a chameleon

I put on a new mask and change it when it cracks

I'm lost

Who am I?

I’m gone

Or am I just done

Sitting with my thoughts alone

In this empty home

Father ignores and mothers on the other side of the world

I'm sure you already know

I mean you know me better than me

Stuck in my apocalypse

Hollow, dark, empty, incomplete, disguised, loveless

Distorted with the painful echo of my screams and cries.

Begging for an escape from my capturer

Me.

The face of love had me crying my eyes out 😭😭😭

If you hold me without hurting me, you'll be the first whoever did.

At times, I'm allowed to be not okay, and my feelings are as significant as anyone else's. But why do I keep punishing myself for feeling this way?

…..is there an escape? Is there somewhere?

-An Open Diary

Oh, how badly I want to curse you for everything you’ve done to me. But I can’t… You were supposed to be someone who protected me and covered my ears and eyes from the evil in the world. Instead, you were my nightmares. I still cry myself to sleep. All my memories of you are clouded, dark, grey, and hazy, yet it feels like it happened yesterday. I hate you, but I so badly want to love you. It kills me to know that I'll never have that with you. I honestly believe you hated me ever since I was a child. I feel pathetic. I've just spent the whole night crying. I never know when to let go. A couple of months ago, I broke down crying in front of you while you sat there emotionless, and it looked honestly like you were forcing yourself to cry. Crocodile tears. You never fail to make it about you. I told you I almost ended myself, and you acted like I was telling a joke. You never deserved me. You never loved me.

You were right in front of me all along

How could I miss such a pretty face?

I'm sorry it took so long to look your way

Maybe you just weren't meant for me

I'm sorry my heart belongs to the moon

I'm waiting patiently for him

I'll pray till my knees are bruised

Till my eyes can no longer cry

Till my eyes are dry

Till my love comes to me

Till my heart is no longer in pain

Till my prayers are filled with love and joy

Till my fleeting mind can stay still and feel at home

Till my body no longer rocks me to sleep

Till my heart no longer cries me to sleep

When will you come to me?

I love you so much already it hurts

Please make the pain go away

I need you to come get me out right now

I need you to come wrap me up in your love now

I want to leave the feelings of reckless and abandoned

Tragic yet magic

My heart is a muscle but it’s not getting stronger

I want to wake up one day without my heart sinking to my feet

Instead with you in my arms

With your laugh tickling my brain

With each breath you take I steal a kiss

With each exhale in my lungs

Till I'm filled with every fibre of your being

I want you to devour me

I want to devour you

Subtle yet achingly obvious

My love for you is endless

Young forever

I’m not scared of loving you; I’m just scared of losing you.

I cried again tonight. I thought I could get through the night but my tears kept on falling. I've lost count. I don't know why I'm like this. Why do you make me like this? Can't you just stay as a fond memory and let me live? Even so, I'll always be yours no matter how many times I try to block you out. I always come back here to write about you.

My la verità.

Filled with rage

I have an upset stomach and little girls despondent laughter sounds louder on stage

Choke me just enough for me to breathe so I stay engaged

Ticking Tok on the clock, you're an ethereal timepiece in this age

Turn me over like a page do me like that when you’re offstage

While your fans fight to be front row in the barricade

I know they’d kill for this exchange

I'm off the rails some may call me deranged but I'm just off my meds

Living a teenage rampage drugged with your love

Will we last or be another short story?

You cry, outraged at the thought of me leaving estranged, so you keep me in range

Afraid I'll let go when the feeling subsides

I left my shoes in the street so you could carry me

Don't worry, darling, you have my heart in a cage

You're the lighthouse in the middle of this enraged storm

Filled with love