“The Acquisition Of A Book Signalled Not Just The Potential Acquisition Of Knowledge But Also Something

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

— Winston Churchill

Welcome Me

Lately I’ve found myself… lost.

I mean everyone has been in their own way over the past year and half. Been there, said that. 

But when I feel stuck…or lost..or wandering…it’s not good. Not that it’s great for anyone. I just tend to spiral.

I’m losing touch of what makes me happy and honestly maybe what’s even scarier to me is that I’m losing a sense of what I want. And I don’t mean in life. I’ve never had any answers to that question. But rather whenever I make a decision lately, no matter how small or large, it’s like I’m looking at myself from outside my body. It’s a stranger making that decision. 

Maybe thats imposter syndrome. I’ve heard the term thrown about a few times here and there. But I’m trying to walk away from labeling myself, those around me, and behaviors. I feel like we as a society are teetering on the edge of the toxic thought process: “If we label it, we understand it.” Right now, I’m not caring too much about the diagnosis and more about the symptoms. 

Interestingly enough, I just remembered a take on relationship communication that connects nicely to that thought process. They (@kyleleejenner on tiktok) said that “more often than not, when your girlfriend is sharing a problem with you she’s probably talking about an emotional one….what she is feeling about the problem is actually more important to her than the problem itself. Therefore listening to her feelings will solve the problem. She doesn’t want your practical solutions right now.”

I don’t necessarily care about the label or maybe even to the solutions right now. But I do care that I feel this way. I care that it feels like I’m someone I’m not. I care that I’m worrying about regretting decisions. I care that what I think I’m feeling is not really how I’m feeling. 

I’m hoping writing my feelings will help to acknowledge how I’m feeling or even to discover how I’m truly feeling. Next steps will come later.

Like a candle

set aside in wait;

Etiolated,

no more than ornamental.

Its life comes to a stand still.

No purpose,

yet—

hopeful.

The true flames

erase time.

They engulf the deepest of feelings

one can conceive.

Defying common laws,

negativity

turns into bright flames.

Scorching hot...

...happiness?

Blinded by reason

follow the heat

slowly abating in corners of your body.

There,

lies truth.

There,

lie your answers.

Happiness is not far away.

02/13/2021

I feel so relatably lonely.

Surrounded by others,I’m able to laugh and have fun,yet I’m so alone.

Truly,deeply,alone.

That was it all along.Loneliness.

Craving for a soul that matches your own.

Yearning for somebody that makes you feel right.

Longing for a meaningful connection to someone.

Silence feels so foreign to the point that i can’t breathe in it.

It’s helplessly eating me alive.

I want so much to happen just to fill this void i have inside of me.

Oh.It feels so compelling.Numbness seems a divine state of being right this moment.

How good would it be to be back to the old me?

Too much.And yet nothing at all.

Who am I in this life?

Who am I in this moment?

What am I supposed to be living for?

“You’re going to love it.

You’re going to love the you that has always wanted to be you.”

Right?

“I’ll only marry the man who can guess which is my favourite stone on the whole sea-shore.”

— Marina Tsvetaeva, from “Art in the Light of Conscience: Eight Essays on Poetry,”

When I was young, I used to admire intelligent people; as I grow older, I admire kind people.

Abraham Joshua Heschel (via perfeqt)

02/28/2021

A person’s actions may be a result of careful thinking;

they may be a wim based on precursor principles and ideas,

although they might just as well be without a meaning.

A shell.Or not?

A wall.Or not?

Ensuring the groundwork behind every action should be the first priority.

None can be commenced whenever it is missing the meaning that should be conveyed.

However fundamental I regard this notion to be,not many do so nowadays.

Therefore I am left wandering about whether the meaning I see is real or made-up by my own beliefs,thoughts and needs.

Humans can be rather imaginative when it comes to deciphering the smallest of actions.

Nothing is almost ever delivered in its integrity,

May it be for fear of giving away the true meaning and reason they formed in their minds;

Or for a specifically intended reason,which,for all intents and purposes,is intangible.

Sometimes I think this world is cruel and unjust but then I remember how I dropped my wallet when I was on the bicycle 8 years ago and a homeless man ran 6 blocks to return it to me. Sometimes I think this world is lonely and grey but then I let the rain touch my body and hear birds make their way home at evening and for a moment, just a moment- I understand why Prometheus stole fire and laid it at man's feet, why dying stars leave a trail of wishes, why I still love 6-year-old Erica I met on a summer trip a decade ago, even though I never saw her again.

Sometimes I think this world is a bad place, but then I look around me and in all its chaos and mosaic of bodies and souls and dreams, I see beauty and goodness hidden behind kind eyes and rough hands.

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire

James Baldwin, If Beale Street Could Talk