02/28/2021

2021/12/01

Maybe it's time to take a step back.

All I've built does not sit right with me anymore.

Everything I believed to be one of my key truths isn't actually what it should have been.

It made everything seem like a transient moment.

That's why I feel so lost.

I couldn't fathom this realization,my mind was keeping it from me until I was ready to welcome and accept it.

It is considerably unalike the way it felt years ago.

I feel void but so full and overwhelmed by my emotions.

My emotions.How strange it sounds to be able to openly display them both to my own self snd to others.

It makes me proud.

~

There's also hurt in there.

I can't shake this overwhelming flow of emotions that is burning within me.

I wouldn't give it up for anything in this world,neverthless I feel powerless.

I am supposed to start anew.How is that supposed to be done?

Am I still the person I believe I am?

Is there more that wants to come out of its abyss?

Franz Wright, from God's Silence; "Why Is the Winter Light"

[Text ID: Empty me of the bitterness and disappointment of being nothing but myself]

“One has either to take people as they are, or leave them as they are. One cannot change them, one can merely disturb their balance. A human being, after all, is not made up of single pieces, from which a single piece can be taken out and replaced by something else.” - Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice‎

06/04/2021

How can meaning be found,

When light keeps pouring in and out of you?

 Blinded,

yet everseeing.

 A call for higher purpose,

an eagle’s cry

heard in the distance.

Pain is seared in the follow-up response,

Nothing alike earthly sensation.

It stretches far and wide,

beneath your body,

above your soul,

nowhere in the middle,

for it does not locate

where the mind can get ahold of it,

 Has destiny been set on stone,

or is the latter our own pliable existence?

 “Repond.”

 “How?”

 “Just respond.”

 For longer than an eternity could ever be,

it waited.

What for?

 For oneself,

no sin can be condone,

no doubt can be harbored.

 To build yourself,

You must be destroyed.

By what hands,

Will determine the freedom of your well’s boundaries.

 To be teared up,

And shown bare in your true essence

 Oh how tangible can pure fear be.

 Now drown in yourself.

Now be your fear.

Now,

play in your abyss,

for there is where your meaning resides.

girl you look like you drop common loot when defeated

“Sometimes letting go is the only way to find out who you’re meant to hold on to.”

— J. Sterling, The Perfect Game

The voices won't leave me alone,

Crawling out the shadows,

Like vines that have overgrown,

Blocking out the windows

To sanity, to reality

I'm not sure if I want them to leave me

Because atleast they stayed

Unlike the people with empty words and hollow promises

I feel like I'm digging my own grave.

Maybe I've always been desperate for some company even if it destroys me.

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”

— Mitch Albom

~Some Thoughts on Fantasy, Music, and Resonation~

I was recently listening to a friend talk about why philosophy was pointless, the idea that it was just discussion and no real change came of it. Unreal, impractical, useless. Overall, his reasons were undeveloped, underthought, and devoid of any real conviction and it seemed to me that he was far more confused as to why it was a source of study and the purpose it served than he was actually critical of the practice as a whole. But it got me thinking about the "unreal" and the impossible.

And it caused 2 thoughts to spring into my mind. First, fantasy at its core is the unreal. It is so magnificent because it simply cannot be. We explore the worlds made of a different yarn than our world. There are similarities, some things that are shared, but the rules of nature itself is the difference. A new world is made by using the mysterious pieces of our own world. Yet, the interesting thing about this phenomenon isn't the created thing, but rather the reaction to it. People love it, obsess over it, delve deeper into the lore and history of these unreal worlds. The feeling of exploration and the other feelings that those worlds inspire, the auras, the "vibes" are what pull people in.

Which brings me to my second thought, which is what those vibes invoke in me from other forms and mediums. Music, for instance.

Most people who I have spoken to listening to music are far more drawn to the lyrics of the song, than its ambiance, or its emotion in the music. Music draws forth an emotion in it's own right, which the lyrics add voice and thought to. Both are of immense importance to a song's creation, and neither can be of lesser value. Yet, those emotions which are incited by the music still exist, even if unrecognized. Thus, the musical vibe and the lyrical emotions are not only separate, but also shift how we resonate with the songs themselves.

All of this brings me to 2 unanswerable questions.

1. Does fantasy invoke the emotional response of a uniquely philosophical need for limitless potential?

And by that, I mean that as fantasy is outside of the realm of possibility, is it due to our natural inclination of creation? Or our need to explore the unknowns? The exploration of a new limitless-ness, rather than the confines of our universe?

2. Does our individual resonation with music reflect our adherence or non-adherence to artistic intentions? (In other words, is the way we enjoy the song predicated on how the author wanted us to interpret the song?)

The fact that you can feel so strongly for someone but they never have to feel the same. The fact that you can love and want only one person and they don’t have to feel the same. The fact that you can miss someone so much your heart aches for them, yet they can be fine without you