Himbo? No, No. Lobotomized.

all my friends are going out and posting on their stories while I’m sleeping through days wishing on every one I won’t be here on the next

In a few months I'll officially not only have lost my childhood to dysphoria and knowing it'll never be quite right, but also the exact same thing will happen with the entirety of my teenage years! Two fucking decades gone nowhere, epitome of a waste of time.

Like fuck dude I know that cis men can get depressed as well, but at least you got the comfort of not having your own body and soul tormenting you. And at least you can peacefully rub one out and have a few moments of bliss. Idk. Wish I could do that.

And the fact this is exactly what my 20s will look like.. and my 30s... And basically all the time until I can finally call it quits.... I dont even know what to say, I cant put it into words.

I've thought about just donating it since I just don't want that thing near me, but I'm not sure I'd want any kid to have that creepy fuck of a bear near them either. Idk it's getting really uneasy on them and I'm going insane.

I'm not saying I'm mentally ill, but today I bought a new teddy bear because I had been looking at it for a couple weeks and finally caved into the temptation. Yet the moment I put it down on my bed, I felt an overwhelming urge of guilt and disgust and the need to throw it away and apologize to my old, trusty teddy. And now the new one won't stop looking at my with its devilish eyes and I actually want to get rid of it even though it's like brand-new but I also DO NOT want to touch that thing anymore.

Suicide isn't selfish, it's not your fault if you want to end your suffering.

"it will get better"

"it will get better" they told me, aged 11, when puberty really kicked in and felt extremely dysphoric about my body, but didn't know what it was yet, and also got bullied for not being truly either gender.

"it will get better" they told 13 year old me, now aware of what dysphoria was, but still suicidal because of it, and felt terrible for not being accepted as a real boy.

"it will get better" they told 15 year me, who just got sexually assaulted for being trans, as well as missing lots of school(and social development) for being constantly in the hospital to navigate the medical gatekeeping for being trans.

"it will get better" they told 16 year me, still freshly traumatized from being sexually assaulted, and now disabled due to medical abuse and neglect from doctors, as well as failing school due to said disability.

"it will get better" they told 17 year old me, who was getting abused at home, while going to school and working my ass off at a minimum wage job, trying to save whatever I could while also trying to sustain myself.

"it will get better" they told 18 year me, still being abused and barely graduating high school, while fighting with my mom to let me attend the college I want, while still not having fully recovered from being temporarily disabled.

"it will get better" they told 19 year old me, now living on college campus, stuck doing a degree I don't truly want, but my parents won't let me chance. I'm succumbing to depression, adhd, and anxiety, but who cares. My body has most of its functions back but will never be the same. Still dysphoric and suicidal every day despite transitioning.

It will get better. When, my love, when? It's almost been a decade of being suicidal every single day, as well as being abused and to a degree, disabled. Some people's foundation for life crumbles, I didn't have one to begin with.

on top of that, a decade is a pretty long time. Would you expect a person to undergo cancer treatment for 10 years, only for it to not be solved? You'd feel sympathetic, right? Maybe even feel bad for them? You wish their suffering would just be over.. Why is this any different? Why am I suddenly "just not strong enough" or "just try harder"?

I'm genuinely convinced it'll never get better. I don't really have any (easy) method of... you know what, but I still want to "commit" every single day. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, believe it will never get better.

And even for trans men who are fully bodily abled, white, and have little to no mental illness and/or aren't neurodivergent... Did people forget that we aren't 100% the same as cis men, in the places where trans men would get placed in men's prisons? Because while remaining family friendly, if you haven't had bottom surgery there'd be some very peculiar issues regarding that in a prison environment.

And regardless of which gender prison you're placed in, hrt access isn't always guaranteed in prison, far from it in fact.

And the whole transphobia aspect aside from placing trans men in women's prisons; women's prisons can get pretty violent too, and especially towards trans men since they're "different" which is often reason enough to incite violence. That and women's prison often being even more neglected than men's prisons.

Cut some slack on trans men who won't just "do DIY" and stop hating on those who do + transmasc diy hrt should be less taboo. I know this wasn't even about diy hrt but just had to throw that in there.

I think it’s normal to be afraid of jail especially for trans men who are disabled or not white or are mentally ill. to casually joke about “what happened to be gay do crimes” to a population whose mortality is threatened by the prospect of jail is deeply cruel and deranged behavior.

As someone who fought tooth and nail for my transition, I sometimes need American trans people to respectfully shut up. Like what do you mean you came out one day then started hrt 6 months later? Get out of my sight

Really sorry to have a mildly nsfw/nsft rant on an otherwise completely sfw blog, but I had to get this out... TW: cis men's disgusting (sexual) behaviour towards trans men

I've had it happened several times now where I thought I had a normal guy friendship with a cis dude, only to find out they in some way fantasized about me as my agab, or thought about my agab parts, usually in a sexual way.

It really hurts. Cis men get to get away with all that, but people act like *I* am the bad guy when I just want to jerk off to girls in peace... As much as it pains me to say it, trans men and cis men are in no way equal, nor treated as such...

love how easily people show their true face when you say women objectively have it worse than men

when women’s oppression gets brought up, i can’t stop admiring men’s unwillingness to admit that their “suffering” isn’t caused by women.

“men die at wars😞😠” and guess who’s sending them to wars! and guess who made it so that historically only men can go into the army!

“we aren’t allowed to express our emotions😢” or what? you won’t fit the standard of a strong heroic man? who made that standard?

“women are gold diggers😒why must i pay for you at the restaurant?🤨” who set up the system in which women had no income and were dependant on their husband?

bro. i’ll tell you why your hand is hurting and bruised. that’s because you keep punching women in the face.

I think my most boomer take is WHY THE FUCK TO COMPANIES HAVE NO TECH SUPPORT WHATSOEVER???

This is mostly about online/tech companies, who often have no real way of contacting them, or they have a shitty contact form at most, and 99.99% of the time they "reply" with some shitty auto-reply that offers no help and basically politely tells you to go fuck yourself.

Like wtf happened to being able to give a phone company a call, and they would walk you step to step through your issue? I've had serious account issues with like discord and reddit, and most if not all of it could've been resolved if I could give them a customer support call.

Having troubles with my google account out of all things, and I can't find a real way to contact them where you actually get any help.

It fucking sucks and makes everything so much more complicated. Can tech companies please give us real customer support, and can the EU finally grow some balls and do something about it?