God Things Have Been So Hard Recently

guess what if anyone knows i exist here

im in love.

It feels like i have now the ability to eat the world but finally will choose not to.

It’s still tempting though

200 days ago i told myself i needed to start healing. I even wrote it down.

And then i did.

It was hard.

And it hurt.

In August of 2021 I felt happy for the first time.

It’s now January and guess what? Things aren’t perfect or even that great.

And I. Am. Still. Happy.

Yes there are bad things. [I miss my partner who FOR SOME INEXPLICABLE REASON has chosen to be born british. And i am not. Thankfully. But it does mean he is far away. Not cool. >:\ ]

BUT IN SPITE OF THAT

I am still happy.

i am loved

i am love.

i like this.

And I love this

And i love me.

And I love my people who love me and helped support me while I healed.

And so, I am happy.

ah to be famous.

to leave my home to watch people pour out of their own houses and follow behind me.

To be the leader of a procession of my fans, all moving in sync.

None of them smile. They follow along behind me eyes unnaturally wide. People ahead join our procession regardless of if they know me or not. Some try to run away screaming. No one gets very far.

Ah fame. The best way to summon an army... an army who’s purpose is unknown. All we bring is chaos.

now i wanna just sort of finally find someone to talk to- to connect to. It’s just weird being on my own so frequently, aching to be loved and understood, but being terrified of actually connecting to someone. As i told the color green, if you allow yourself to be loved then you also open yourself up to vulnerability. And survivors of ab*** just don’t have that luxury.

some people need to have a purring cat sit in their lap whilst they can rest for a bit

would you care for a little drop of sky to keep you company on your travels?

and i am alive

:D

nothing is sweeter than a partner who understands and loves you more unendingly than the stars

i am doing well

i am loved by he <3

the man weaved of gold and starlight

he puts all sunrises to SHAME

i want to feel his presence in every fibre of my being

i love him

(simply and sweetly)

we are alive in each other’s arms.

this is a dumb idea but here i am finally on here, ready to say some stupid shit lol

sometimes i just like to disappear for years on end. Others i can’t stand to be alone for even a moment.

sorta wish i could figure out why the hell each of those things happen.

i just think about him so much