I Just Think About Him So Much

would you care for a little drop of sky to keep you company on your travels?

now i wanna just sort of finally find someone to talk to- to connect to. It’s just weird being on my own so frequently, aching to be loved and understood, but being terrified of actually connecting to someone. As i told the color green, if you allow yourself to be loved then you also open yourself up to vulnerability. And survivors of ab*** just don’t have that luxury.

world? i am so happy as of late. The things that bothered me so much just aren’t. The fuck ups and things i hated are so far away. The fear i had! It’s distant!

I can sit here and observe this peaceful ocean, this lovely field of calm

Healing is worth the struggle :D

one day i make a post declaring thoughts struck down to me by gods

the next i wanna talk about how if i were a little hamster i would simply grab my little feet and roll everywhere like i were the hamster ball that tried to contain me.

nothing can hold me

i’ve been living

and thinking recently.

its been nice.

wilbur's doing really well :D

"you'll understand when you're older" is a song for early morning walks where it's a little bit chilly but you're not freezing because the sun is out

wow whoever said that is a really cool poetic person i am impressed

I feel

Today i feel like melting

my heart hurts

maybe i just need to eat

i never feel satisfied

i am falling

into an embrace

of my own cold arms

my skin fragments of ice

i really should eat

all i feel is like lying in the dark

pretending my blankets are a hug

my pillow her kiss

maybe i should just shatter

dissolve into dark

breath in my salty tears

or just get up and make dinner

i am miserable.

it is a “cry in the shower” kind of day.

A “fill your ears with water and hug your knees close” kind of day.

And i am a miserable creature who had to sit down in the shower today.

This is the kind of day that eats up every ounce of energy you have. It leaves you breathless while you lie on your side, mixing the salt on your face with the salt in the sea.

It is not a nice ocean that greets me this morning.

He tells me there is an end to it somewhere.

All I see is more waves.

I am holding cold water to my chest. Hearing rain pound against my eardrums. Feeling more water batter my already bruised skin.

And I am so tired.

when does this all end.?

i am

so

tired.