One Day You’ll Find Me

i am not doing well

i feel tonight as a being wrapped in old memories.

They are cloying and drip with slick and cold silver strings. A web of fear to enclose my little heart.

In this darkening void, i knew where the edge was. I still willingly walked out onto thin air.

I could understand that I, myself, am a being of lack and disgust

I know what makes a void like me too heavy for any surface to support

Yet how stupid am I to be surprised when i fell.

I have been caught in such a web again,

my fingers sliding off it’s wet surface,

deeper and deeper i slip away from the surface.

I can do nothing but grasp at empty air.

I wonder when the dark will claim me again.

1,239

now i wanna just sort of finally find someone to talk to- to connect to. It’s just weird being on my own so frequently, aching to be loved and understood, but being terrified of actually connecting to someone. As i told the color green, if you allow yourself to be loved then you also open yourself up to vulnerability. And survivors of ab*** just don’t have that luxury.

okay im feelin better but still sad

jesus christ does the autumn wind make me remember every good thing about my childhood.

i vow to make things better.

no one will stop me.

o hey

its been like a whole ass year. Weird. Guess Feb is a rough time when i need to find a place to vent. Huh. Bleh. Cycles

life is good actually. fuck you.

the way wilbur says “you look so cute when you’re so angry, if i’m going down, you’re coming with me” IS SO TENDER FOR NO REASON