How I Started Shipping My Sinful Ships

The Sea

You conform yourself to fit someone's preference Something I find both admirable yet unnecessary. For if you would only stop all these frivolous acts And see yourself through my eyes, You would see the vast open sea.

You would feel the cool breeze that calms my raging mind, Hear the melodies of the waves that never ceases to soothe my aching soul. Adore the pigmentation of blue colored landscape, ever so changing and ever so intriguing, Clear blue during midday Green when sunset comes Then yellow the very next morning It changes into this wide array of colors But you know inexplicably beautiful nonetheless.

And that is you. You are my sea. Yet I've always been afraid of it, This you already know.

I am afraid of wandering off too far,

falling in too deep,

and drowning in you.

Notes from the past

“It’s sad really, how I’ve been staring at this blank sheet of paper with a pen in hand but nothing to write about. I used to be able to write down anything, anything at all that comes into mind and it would turn out into this beautiful art in form of simple words. Yet now I can’t seem to find the will to do so. My mind’s too caught up in the thought of how everything just ended without a proper closure. No words, no explanation, you just decided that you didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore and it fucking wrecks me that my mind is too consumed of you that it wouldn’t let in any other thoughts other than the words you said and the promises you made.

It could’ve been my fault, for always making you feel jealous in order to satisfy my own insecurities and make sure that you were truly afraid of losing me. Yet even though I have proven that you were, leading to the point that sometimes you’d get mad at me, I still kept at it. And maybe you got fed up and thought that I was the one who’s not faithful in this so called “relationship” and gave up, just when I was about to accept the fact that you were really telling the truth, that you really do love me. But I do hope you understand, that after being hurt so many times in my life, I’ve had trouble putting my trust in people. Nevertheless I’ve realized my mistakes now, and it breaks me to think that after all this time I’ve put you through so much shit until you couldn’t take it anymore. And maybe I’m already too late, that these efforts won’t change your mind and come back to me again. But on the other hand, maybe it was you who was at fault, by lying to me, when you said ‘I love you’ and all those things you said that made it seem like you mine and only mine.

Maybe you weren’t really mine in the first place and this was all just a game for you to entertain yourself. To fill the void in your heart and make you feel less lonely. That I was a mere substitute because you couldn’t go after the girl that you really love. Maybe that’s why I could sometimes see and feel as if it wasn’t me you were looking at, it wasn’t me you were holding, that you had someone else in mind.

Maybe I meant nothing to you.

I fucking hate saying maybe, what if, thinking if I had done this or that would it change anything. If we had just been honest with each other. If we had properly used our words and listened to each other rather than just blindly assuming things based on our biased intuition, to be honest if we really love each other… or not, everything would’ve been much better.”

-Letters to no one.

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I stg if my mom dies i might just lose my remaining will to live

She was a very Lonely Person, but not many people really knew that.

C.B - I’ll write a book one day (via sinful-cravings)

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July 7

7:38pm

It was unplanned, like most of the occurrences that had happened to us. You asked if I wanted to take the bus ride home with you and with the most unkept appearance and an unbathed stench of my day, I hesitantly said yes.

Grey. I wonder how many times I’ll relate the word to you. For I’ve made you the personification of the color, this you knew and you wore it that night. I had to steel myself from smiling too hard, running towards you and encircling you in a tight embrace for I haven’t seen you in a long while.

After bidding goodbye to my relatives we went straight outside to get a ride at that p2p bus that you’ve told me about. I desperately tried to hide my exhilaration so as to not make things any more awkward than it is. After a few more passengers boarded in, the bus began to move and lights went off with the remaining light coming from the tv.

I watched as the rain pit patted on the window, no words were exchanged between the two of us and we were enveloped with silence and yet everything felt right. After a while I told you I was worried cause I knew that as soon as I get home, I’d get an earful of rants from my mom for going home late, and then you let your fingers intertwine with mine .

I stared at our hands, wondering whether I was still drunk or half asleep and that if all of this was just a dream—a dream that I wish I’d never wake up from. And it was as if that wasn’t proof enough of that moment; you kissed me and all my worries were washed away as all I could think of was: this was real. I am here. You are beside me and honestly, that was all that mattered.

Gray

The color of which i first colored you in; unsure, like the middle of black and white.

That shirt you once wore, with sweat glistening down your neck the day I realized your beauty. Looking so recklessly careless as your eyes lazily looked towards the open road.

The smoke you exhaled in my mouth with the lingering taste of strawberry on your lips as I cough out its poison.

The sweater you had me remove that one night; my soul drowning all morality and pushing everything else behind letting me completely succumb to the pleasure of your fingers tracing my skin.

The sheets I gripped as your lullaby escaped me in soft whimpers.

The feeling that I get when you're there and yet you aren't; half-empty though not entirely unfamiliar.

Predictably complicated like your half drunken thoughts and tales of fantasies I wish I'd taken a part of.

Your three am version, utterly devoid of hope; wallowing in your pit of problems from where I would always try so hard to pull you out of.

I didn't think that there'd be more to the world than just black and white.

But there was gray.

And that was you.

9:40 PM: Man I’ve been having really bad headaches for the past half hour 9:41 PM: I think something is wrong with me 9:44 PM: G u e s s  w h o