FINALLY Someone Understands My Deep Hatred Of Red Delicious Apples

this post is for broccoli fans ONLY 🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦 broccoli i love you

the absolute best quotes from bdylanhollis's vintage baking tiktoks

• "thought this was a joke. turns out im the joke."

• "you can use a mixer, i just do this to feel something"

• "fold in sauerkraut carefully. or what? im going to ruin your disaster?"

• "can a cake be tried for treason?"

• "either chocolate fixes everything or this is alchemy"

• *disgusted chewing noises* "DEMON BABY!!!"

• "before pumpkin pie became king people ate this....now they're dead."

• "combine all ingredients except for pie shell. were you rEALLY WORRIED I WAS GOING TO PUT A F U L L Y C O N S T R U C T E D PIE SHELL INTO THIS?"

• "im a fool, not an idiot."

• "its like reading directions to purgatory"

• "now we have carbonated mayonnaise lime water"

• "MARSHMALLOWS!! with the m a y o??"

• "chop up your dehydrated cow"

• "it tastes like it's insulting me"

• "and its not just a little bit. no. its a severe unauthorized CUP of mayonnaise."

• "honey you cant dilute a war crime"

• "you know its horrible now but i hope it turns out okay. like children."

• *beans boiling over in a pot* "ahhhhHH BEAN REBELLION!!"

• "eggie!! how many? i don't know. it just says EGGS."

• "did you just kill my blender?" *broken blender noises* "hello?" *insane maniacal laughter* "this is personal now. you swung first!!"

• "why are you good? yOU HAVE A BAG OF BEANS IN YOU!!"

• "one of the many questionable substances people experimented with in the 70s...pistachio pudding."

• "smells like a palm springs retirement home"

• "nixon wished it was this easy."

• "this was the cold war after all. fear of communist bananas was at an all time high."

• "the 70s. sponsored by the color beige."

• "its uncomfortably appetizing"

• "meat and desserts was quite common back then. so was botulism."

• "'honey would you like earl gray or pork?' 'ill take a divorce'"

• "sweet, bitter and meaty. like my ex."

• "don't say it dylan" *2 seconds later* "CIMMANIMM!!"

• "350 for two and a half hours! i suppose any less and it might gain consciousness."

• "its a little late in the century for war crimes."

• "are you just making things up? who are you??"

• *opening a can of spam* "you know ive never been particularly religious. but today might be the day."

• "a cup of evaporated milk?! have you lost the plot?!"

• "i feel like if i do this correctly im going to invoke the spirit of richard nixon"

• "this aint food honey this is a bioweapon"

• "sir your phone number is 4 digits"

• "well i don't have sorghum because i don't have a life expectancy of twelve"

• "thats the power of pine sol baby!"

• "bake to your liking. sweetie none of this is to my liking."

• "this is what id imagine a toilet brush to taste like"

• "this is why we don't perform lobotomies anymore."

• "should be a pale white." *holds butter up to arm for comparison*

• "i bet this recipe is just all the wrong answers on a baking test."

• "smells like dentures."

• "not bad dead people"

• "its incredible. and im mad about it."

• "sift your flour three times. lady your cake has tomato soup in it, this is thE LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES!!"

• "'911 whats your emergency?' 'yeah that lady carol is at the barbecue again.'"

• "careful not to over mix. sorry im just trying to kill it."

• "now i know this is going to be awful because it calls for soured milk. not buttermilk, not milk and vinegar, no honey sOURED B A D MILK!"

• "disgusting wasnt enough for you?!"

• "call the U.N."

• "bake until done. you're a piece of work."

• *plays accordion on his kitchen floor*

• "tastes like a shower drain or a bunion"

• "this recipe was sent to me by herbert hoover feet pics. theres something for everybody"

• "are you nine inches yet?? said 14 year old me."

• "i suppose its better than eating your offspring"

• "oh betty crocker WHAT ARE YOU UP TO??"

• "you could just use canned pineapple. if you were a communist."

• "can you bake a pie with four ingredients? yes! i could also eat my mattress."

• "add three gils of water. was this written for a fish?"

• "i think this qualifies as a preexisting condition"

• "unconstitutional!"

• "its a breast implant"

• *clunking from the cabinets* "i think ive summoned something"

• "it seems to have collapsed. like the south."

• "the slogan for this cookbook is 'it's digestible'"

• "remember kids the main ingredient in pie pastry is self doubt"

• "fry in two tablespoons of crisco. on this episode of dead white people."

• "i didnt know tuberculosis had a color scheme"

• "ive baked a toilet."

• "how am i supposed to know how big your teacups are, ira?"

• "why do dead people like dates?"

• "easy does it. wouldn't want to ruin a disaster."

• "'ira honey i'm going to war.' 'over what?' 'your cooking'"

• "tastes like a boot. like a size 10 boot."

• "why just live in the great depression when you could also have chronic diarrhea"

• "it wants me to plumpen my prunes in water. well i won't be plumping my prunes in just anything. buy me dinner first."

• "it looks like a failed grave robbery"

• "walnuts aint gonna save this recipe sweetie"

• "you know its not bad it just vaguely tastes like a felony."

• "'where you goin with that tuna dylan?' 'oh you know just making jello"

• "this recipe is making me cry, not the onions"

• "are we sure this recipe wasnt written by a cat?"

• "it already looks like the great depression"

• "bake in a moderate oven. no need to get political"

•"don't tell gordon ramsey"

• "it tastes like a question mark. but a good question mark"

writing tip:

if you push buttons on a keyboard, letters will appear on the screen. and with that power you can do anything

let’s see if this extra cup of coffee makes me good or evil

Quith-Pa

“The most common variety of elven rations, this vegetarian trail food is made up primarily of dried fruits, but regional variations can include seeds, nuts, legumes, and beyond.” - Heroes’ Feast, p. 57

The best way to describe Quith-Pa from Heroes’ Feast is as a fruit truffle instead of a chocolate one. Packed with refreshing, fruity sweetness, toasty flavours, and no added sugar, it’s a great snack or dessert for those looking to try something new!

Additionally, they're small enough that you can easily pack them into a mini tupperware container and bring them with you for easy snacking on the go!

See below for my notes on the results and for some helpful tips and tricks when making this yourself! Get Heroes’ Feast here: https://dnd.wizards.com/heroes-feast

Prep: 10 mins              Cook: 1h             Total: 1h 10 mins

Ingredients (makes 12 ish):

1 orange

6 ounces (1 cup) (170 g) dried apricots, coarsely chopped

¾ cup (70 g) unsweetened shredded coconut, toasted*

¾ tsp. (4 ml) pure vanilla extract

Kosher salt

* To toast the coconut: spread out the coconut in an even layer in a large, flat-bottom pan on medium-low heat. Stir frequently until almost all of the coconut has reached a toasty golden brown colour, about 8-10 mins.

Using a microplane, grate the orange peel to yield 1 ½ tsp. (8 g, about half the rind of a large navel orange) of finely grated zest. Squeeze the orange to yield 1 ½ tbsp. (15 ml) of juice.

In a full-size or mini food processor, combine the apricots, ½ cup (25 g) of the toasted coconut, the orange zest and juice, vanilla, and a tiny pinch of salt.

Process until the mixture is very finely chopped, uniform, and cohesive, pulsing and stopping to scrape down the sides of the work as necessary.

Put the remaining ½ cup coconut in a wide, shallow bowl.

Roll scant 1-tablespoon (~18 g) portions of the apricot mixture into 1-inch balls, gently pressing as you roll to help them cohere (you should have 15 or 16 balls).

Working with three or four balls at a time, roll them in the remaining coconut, pressing them gently to help the coconut adhere.

Place the balls on a plate and rest them (to firm up and dry out slightly) for 45 minutes.

The balls will keep, stored in an airtight container at room temperature, for about 3 days.

TIP: They will be incredibly sticky while forming them. I recommend pressing the mixture together with your fingers to create the shape of a ball and then gently rolling them between your fingers (not your palms!) to finish shaping them.

You may need to brush off any mixture clinging to your hands a couple times while rolling it into a ball because the remaining stickiness from your hands will cause formed balls to break.

NOTE: If rolling them in a deeper, smaller bowl like I was, you may only be able to work with one or two at a time.

Overall, I would give this recipe a 4/5. Although the taste is great and they make a fantastic sweet snack for anyone trying to avoid added sugar, I feel like the effort/dishes to yield is a little low. Definitely at least double the recipe if you plan on making these yourself.

BONUS picture that didn’t make the cover photo:

My unsuspecting followers:

Me, about to go on a serious reblogging spree:

this blog is a friendly space for twitter and tiktok refugees

but I am literally begging y'all to switch your icons and write literally anything human-like in your bios, we have been at WAR with the spam bots and you're dressed like the enemy

last night I had a dream that there was a tumblr update and the only thing it changed was that for two minutes straight you could sprinkle shredded cheese on other blogs and their posts, and everyone's dashboard was just pandemonium as everyone cheesed each other. two minutes of abominable amounts of shredded cheese raining from the dash. tumblr at its finest. get cheesed