Kyman High School Au Where Cartman Who Has Never Really Cared About His Grades Finally Realises That

im thinking about making a pinned post for this account but i genuinely dont know what else i could put there except for “i love kyman”😭

my favorite thing on earth is definitely the look on cartman’s face when he genuinely enjoys hanging out with kyle and they dont fight

when kyle was 16, his parents (mostly dad) decided that he had to understand how money are earned by hard and honest work, so they cut off his pocket money and gave him an advice to finally find a part-time job. kyle didn’t mind it much, so after a week or two of choosing the right option he decided to stick to something as peaceful and less stressful as possible, so he chose to get a job at the local library as an assistant. he already had experience in working with literature and students books – he was tutoring his classmates for a year by that time, plus the librarian was his mother’s friend so he didn’t expect any difficulties to get into his way.

until cartman learned about kyle’s new work and decided it was his moral duty to go into the library that he has never visited before and pester kyle every goddamn day. because kyle couldn’t do anything to stop this since he wasn’t allowed to start conflicts as a worker there. it also was prohibited to shout at the library so most of the time he was cursing and threatening cartman in a whisper. neither was he allowed to kick him out because the librarian truly believed that every child has the right to be in this sacred temple of knowledge.

and it was terrible.

every day kyle was expecting another trick from cartman – either it was total reorganising of the books on shelves from alphabetical order to matching colours, or a request to find a very rare book that only was in the library in one copy somewhere in the farthest corner of the room at the highest shelf – only to realise cartman absolutely knows this book has been missing for, like, three years by now.

kyle: Can you please stop bothering me?! You don’t even read books!

cartman: Sure I do! But paper books are sooo last century, I’m into e-books now.

kyle: THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE LIBRARY EVERY DAY, YOU SADISTIC ASSHOLE?

cartman: Making your life even more miserable and complicated than it already is?…

kyle: Why am I even surprised? I should’ve really guessed.

AND THEN one day kyle sees cartman in the library and mentally prepares for another portion of mocking, but surprisingly for him, cartman doesn’t even look at him, says simple and brief “hi” and goes straight to the reading hall, grabbing one of the books on the shelf. kyle can’t help but feel curious, because he’s never seen cartman so concentrated and serious – at least not the last few weeks. he sneaks up to him from the back:

kyle: What, have you finally realised what you’re actually supposed to do at the library?

cartman, shivering a little: You’re not supposed to scare the shit out of your customers too, huh, Kahl?

kyle: What even is this book? Knowing your tastes, I won’t be surprised if it’s, like, fucking Mein Kampf or something like that.

cartman, rolling his eyes: It’s none of your fucking business. And I wouldn’t read Mein Kampf, who do you even think I am?

and then kyle grabs cartman’s book and with surprise sees that it’s one of his most favorite books (i’m not sure what exactly it is but my personal hc is that kyle is really into dystopias and stories with political controversial subtext…), and he really can’t help but start discussing it with cartman. after, like, a whole half an hour of kyle infodumping him with the history behind this book, he realises they actually have pretty similar taste, and cartman’s analysing skills are so great he really understands all of the hidden messages in books, and they, well…. eventually start hanging out in the library discussing books they’re reading rn. to the point where kyle almost forgets about his other duties at work ‘cause he gets really consumed by all these discussions with cartman.

and he tries to tell about this to stan and kenny but they both just laugh because these two nerds who have finally found a conversation partner are fucking hilarious.

+ bonus about their preferences: they both are really into morally grey and/or generally antagonistic characters. and although it’s totally predictable for cartman, he was really shocked when he realised kyle adores “bad” and “immoral” characters as well (we aaaaaall know why…)

also i think kyle is more of a “plot” person who really enjoys reading about how the world in the book works, meanwhile cartman mostly prefers digging into characters, relationships between them and their psychological traits and traumas, yk? and it really helps, because each of them often notice little details the other might’ve missed.

the amount of self-projection i put into this boy is unbelievable

that was a long rest but HEYYY im kinda back!!!!!!!!

i haven’t written a lot of things during my time off but i’ve kind of started to write my university au kyman fanfic (this is difficult cuz i have no clue how universities in usa work so i’ll have to do a lot of research….) and yepp that’s it. if anyone is interested i can tell more about this au adding some details (it also has stutters and weidi in it!!)

aaaaand cw nsfw mentioned

btw guys im still pretty new to tumblr so idk does anyone here think it’d be okay if i posted some aged up!kyman nsfw headcanons? /gen. that’s sorta the only thing i’ve written so far hehe

okay this might seem like a lil bit controversial topic but please imagine tfbw but if cartman knew what fancervice and queerbait meant. like. are you really telling me he wouldn’t use it to get more fans and attention and money? please. so i strongly believe he’d make kyle participate in this shit with him to get more profit, and when kyle found out about new romantic-ish scenes between human kite and racoon that cartman had just written into the script for human kite’s movie… kyle’d get completely furious so he went to cartman’s basement and tried to make a scene.

(also i know i can’t call super craig a side character but i believe kyle actually thinks that the main characters are the racoon and human kite. no offense to craig tho. oh and just in case: i do not support queerbaiting!!)

k: Fatass!

c: What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be at home reading your script!

k: I did read the script! And what the hell are all those scenes you’ve added? They make no sense!

c: Do not question my narrator’s talent, jew. I’m the one who’s in charge of writing, your task is to memorise it and worship me for all my hard work.

k: Really? Oh, really? “Hard work”, you say? What is this fucking moment, you fat piece of shit?

c: Which one, Kahl? Please, elaborate.

k: “The Racoon is on the verge of death, fighting for every breath, so Human Kite heroically decides to give him mouth-to-mouth. The camera switches to the reaction of other Friends, but loud sounds of CPR can be heard behind the scenes”.

c: Pretty dramatic, huh? I really outdid myself, didn’t I?

k: The whole new script is full of this shit! What’s the matter, Cartman?

c: You know, just decided to make your movie more inclusive and… spicy. Are you against it?

k: Yes! Yes, I am against it, I don’t want to participate in this! There are so many actually homosexual people and by doing this you erase them. That is wrong, unethical and also it’s freaking gay!

c: A-huh. So did I get it correctly, Kahl, that you don’t want to make our characters closer ‘cause that is in your opinion, and I quote, “gay”? What are you, homophobic?

k: Knock it off! Stop twisting my words, that is not what I said!

c: Then I see no reasons to reject my offer, Kyle.

k: It’s just so inappropriate and wrong!

c: What’s wrong about two male characters being close and emotionally attached to each other?

k: Everything! If it’s me and you – everything is wrong! Where’s the catch, Fatass? I will not believe for a single minute that you’re doing it for inclusion of minorities.

c: …Well, okay. I guess… I guess it is time for you to learn this.

k: Learn what? What are you talking about, Cartman?

c: Have you ever heard the word “queerbaiting”, Kyle?

k: Uh… no. What’s that?

c: Let me start with another question. Who do you think is the most popular character in Racoon and Friends?

k: Um-m-m… I don’t know, probably you?

c: Wrong! It’s not me, Kahl. And wipe that smirk off your face, ‘cause it’s not you either.

k: Then who?

c: Super Craig.

k: What? This can’t be… You’re the main character, he can’t be more popular than you or me! It makes no sense!

c: That’s what I thought! When I first saw the character popularity rank I started thinking… Where was my mistake? How is it possible for a side character like Super Craig to be more popular than me and you? Is it his character design? His backstory? His role in the plot? I was seeking for answers for hours until I finally realised…

k: Realised what? Come on, stop wasting my time!

c: Patience, Kyle, patience. It’s the most important trait for a superhero. So, let me continue. The main reason of popularity when it comes to Netflix… The reason why everyone loves Super Craig so much… The gayness, Kyle.

k: …Huh?

c: That’s right, you heard it correctly. The gayness. Homosexual orientation immediately makes a male character more attractive to fans.

k: …That’s stupid.

c: No, Kahl! There can be no mistake! I looked through the popularity rate of Freedom Pals and guess who the most favorite is there?

k: No way…

c: Yes way, Kahl! It’s fucking Wonder Tweek! The one with the most lousy backstory I’ve ever seen! The fans are completely in love with his cute little dramatic breakup with his boyfriend. Can you imagine it?!

k: Wow… That’s…

c: I understand how shocked you are now, but that’s not the end. Then I’ve heard the term “queerbaiting” and that is so goddamn genius, man, you’ll just love it! It’s when two dudes, who are not directly said to be homosexuals, show some gay hints here and there.

k: So?..

c: Don’t you get it, Kyle? It’s just hints! You don’t have to *actually* be gay, the fans will just fill the blanks themselves! It saves a lot of troubles with homophobes and laws in foreign countries, but you can still make money on gay jokes! That’s sweet, dude!

k: Wait, and do you expect people to actually buy it?

c: …Who are the most popular rivals in DC?

k: Batman and Joker?

c: Who are the most popular characters themselves?

k: …Batman and Joker. Dude… what the fuck?…

c: See? Told you!

k: So you want us to be gay so we become the most liked ones?

c: Yes, if you put it simple.

k: That’s… kind of messed up.

c: Oh my god, we won’t be *really* gay. Just… hints or something.

k: O-okay… Just to be clear: there won’t be any weird moments we have to actually take part in, will there?

c: What do you mean?

k: Like… um… I don’t know, some too-gay shit like holding hands or really kissing?

c: I will hope so. Believe me, Kahl, I like it no more than you do.

k: Well… Are you sure they’ll all like it?

c: Totally!

k: Oh, god, I feel like there is some kind of a trap, but…

c: Think about money, Kyle. The large, unthinkable pile of money and fame for just small scenes with some remotely gay-ish dialogues. That thought must calm your little jewish soul.

k: …Just so you know, I still fucking hate you. And I’m doing it only because I don’t think it’s right for a side character to be more popular than the main ones.

c: Whatever makes you sleep at night, Kyle. Whatever makes you sleep at night…

idk where i saw this meme but i immediately decided to re-draw it

u don’t get it i NEED to see candy interactions i need them to team up and become the most powerful duo to ever exist

cartman: Hey, for a girl you’re kinda good at making evil plans, huh.

wendy: Yes, and you’re quite ok for a fat racist misogynistic bigoted stupid piece of shit.

cartman, shrugging: Who would expect we’d make such a good team.

One day Rose is looking for something in the Lalonde's attic and accidentally finds an old photo album full of photos of her young mother.

Since her mother usually did not share anything from her past, Rose decides to take the opportunity to look through the album. Nothing particularly impresses her, but then she reaches the photo of her young mother with two unknown children. For some reason she can't stop looking at it - something in this photo seems so familiar...

She understands that part of this feeling is jealousy - mom is so joyful in the presence of these other people's children... but in addition to jealousy, there was something else.

After a while, when Rose already manages to forget about the strange photo, she and her online friend Jade decide to exchange selfies for the first time. When she looks at a photo of a smiling Jade, the puzzle in Rose's head comes together...

so if i guess it right kenny-from-another-universe is bisexual/sapphic-coded in the new special? could that mean we just got a vague confirmation original kenny is also bi omfg