Did You Know That If A Baby Ran 35 Miles Per Hour It Would Outrun A Dog?

Mad asf bc I managed to dislocate my jaw and I didn’t do anything cool like get into a fight or suck dick I just slept weird :(

daily affirmations

i am the unkillable faggot

i can exist in grocery stores

i have the shittiest music taste in any room

i have a gun

There are two wolves inside of you

One wants to make a 75 slide PowerPoint and just read off it word for word for two hours

The other wants to make 3 slides with points not addressed in an unhinged, nonlinear 2 hour yap sesh

You are a tenure college professor

Thinking about how every antidepressant I’ve been on has done one of three things:

1) Nothing

2) Worked

3) Made me shit my pants

New JFK conspiracy: the car shot him

whats uyor fucjing problem

You know what this is really insensitive to ask because I have a very complicated relationship with babies. At one point I was in fact a baby and I had a dog. That dog ran around a lot and at one point picked me up with its feral jowels and dragged me about my living room. The carpet was so rough against my soft little baby skin and gave me 👏PERMANENT👏SCARS👏 along my entire body. I look like someone took a panini press to my entire baby body. We ended up keeping the dog for a few more years but every day I could only quiver in fear for my soft baby skin because of that dog.

Think before you speak.

House at Wilson

whatever MY special interest is my wife #mywife

why are dudes in fanfic always getting hit with freight train orgasms. why not an orient express orgasm, classy and romantic. where are the shinkansen train orgasms? his orgasm hit him like the TGV atlantique breaking the passenger rail speed record. like the shanghai maglev, his orgasm was a feat of engineering but something of a commercial disappointment.

Ok ok so yes angst that builds over the course of the narrative and ends with A and B fucking absolutely NASTY is fun and all but consider:

The arc *starts* with A and B fucking nasty once or maybe even a few times (because what else would be a better inciting incident?) and it catches the reader off guard bc isn’t this supposed to be angst? What’s the plot? Is this just self indulgent smut (which is still fine but not what the reader was expecting)

Bc A is happy about it, thrilled even. Feelings have been acted on, things are looking up…even tho they went from 0 to 100 with B it feels normal.

B on the other hand, is a disaster. Repression with a side of pride and a dash of comphet for good measure. It wasn’t until they were literally in bed with A (or a closet, or the back seat of a car) that they even considered A to be an option. At least consciously.

THATS where you get the angst, babie! The angst and the new build up comes in the same way. Arguing, distance, confusion, manipulation…but instead of it being “will they, won’t they” it’s “will they ever again” which is just so DELICIOUS!!!!

Like every time their fingers brush or there’s lingering eye contact or an absentminded comment is made it is colored even worse because THEY’VE ALREADY DONE SOMETHING! SOMETHING HAS ALREADY HAPPENED! A and B both know there’s something there because they broke the bed (or the closet door, or the car seat) so of course they wouldn’t be rejected…right?

And of course after thousands upon thousands of words of angst and slow burn and self destructive behavior they fuck nasty AGAIN but they don’t pull away from each other after

Fic over! Boom! Done! Give me your wallet!

Hi!! Real fan of your blog!! I have a question for you: cologne or sprite?

Neither. I don’t drink anything. Only solids for this big boy!