Can We Please Stop With The Angsty Everyone Hates Me Tim Drake Stuff??

Dick: I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy unless of course we are talking about my enemy Talia al ghul. Fuck you, you know what you did.

It's an honor killing if it happens in Asia, femicide if it happens in LaTam but it's a preventable tragedy if it happens in the USA

Listen the ‘Bruce brought dick in to stop him killing Zucco” is fun

You know what’s more fun

The fact that Dick Grayson is the fundamental opposite of Jokers one bad day

Because he was 9 and insane

Jokers “all it takes is one bad day” meet Dick Grayson also terminally insane but in the opposite direction.

(“I had a bad day not a fan, it’s illegal now”

“Chum murder is already illegal”

“Yeah in the eyes of the law, but who follows that! I’ve decided it’s illegal for people to have bad days”

“You have to follow laws Dick. You have to”

“Says the man getting shot at by the cops bc he dresses as a giant bat monster and fights crime using ancient martial arts”

“Hnnng”

“Anyway it’s illegal now, people suffering I have decided and I’m adorable so what I say goes!”

Bruce pinching bridge of nose “Dick you can’t save everyone and change every person you meets life”

“How about! No!”

“Di-“

“Great talk Bruce! Bye bye now!”)

Like when I say Dick Grayson was the crazy Robin I don’t mean he was aggressive or cruel

No I mean this man would not be out of place in Lewis Carol’s Alice in wonderland.

He’d see all the insane shit in Gotham and go ‘that makes perfect sense’ and continue on his merry way

Like he’s the type of kid who when he’s mad at Bruce for sidelining him on a fight against the joker (and making him fight Harley)

Will pull out a chessboard, grab Harley Quinn and go “I win, you get arkhamed you win we fight”

“Kid-“

“I have a gymnastics competition coming up and I wanna show up this douche in my class- you are not breaking my legs before then. Sit down. Play chess”

“Shit kid why didncha say so”

Why does he wanna fight the Joker who will objectively injure him far more throughly

“Well it’s simple math, I grew up in a circus, I like clowns, he is the biggest disgrace to clownery I’ve ever seen bet he didn’t even go to clown college. Doesn’t even have any iconic makeup, he just has toxic waste skin?? Like not even eye makeup or a red nose?? If you wanna do thematic crime do it right? Anyway it’s my legal obligation to try at any given moment to reck the embarrassment to all things goofy and funs shit.”

—————

Bruce looking for his 9 year old ward who was kidnapped as Robin

Dick hanging upside down on semi sentient vine gesturing wildly at poison Ivy who is nodding empathically

“And the water here is not normal!! Like how do you grow plants! I used to have to take care of plants all the time and now if I water them they rot! Like right in front of me!!? And I feel so bad but?? It’s water?? Please drink it?? Mr plant”

“Oh yeah it’s because of all the toxic ace chemicals in the water, you have to triple filter it. Honestly Robin I’m disappointed, your plants should be drinking the same water as you”

“ they do tho!”

“You…drink… Gotham tap water? Batman lets you drink Gotham tap water?”

“Well no… he always tells me to use the filter but I like the tap water!! Sometimes it’s fun colors and spicy”

“oh… oh that explains so much about you..”

“No he just came like that.”

“Oh HI B I was asking miss Dr.ivy why my plants keep dying”

“Robin don’t consort with villains”

“Miss Dr. Ivy you’re a doctor right”

Poison Ivy who is violently amused “PHD not MD but yeah I am”

“So you’re smart”

“Yeasss”

“Cool!…. What does consort mean?”

————-

Annoys the riddler by going with the most out of pocket technically true answer

Think “a sparrow with a shotgun”

———-

Makes the Jokers goons laugh, louder than the joker. Even while under threats of death by sufficiently wacky murder plot

———-

✨Incorrect quotes✨

(Except they are real conversations that I or my friends had).

Wally: I'm going to kill myself.

Dick: Same.

Wally: ... Figuratively speaking, right?

Dick: Literally.

Wally: I'm calling your therapist.

Dick: You don't know my therapist.

Wally: Well, I'm gonna find them and then call them!

Dick: What's life without a little of risk?

Donna: A longer life.

Dick: ...

Dick: Who needs to live so long?

Random Socialite: You are just like your dad (Bruce). His genes must be strong.

Literally any of the Wayne kids (minus Damian): I'm adopted.

Tim, after going back to drinking natural fruit juice instead of five cans of Monster: I feel nutritious.

Bruce, after being told how handsome Dick is by like five people; completely confident and proud: Yeah, he got it from me.

Dick: I'm literally adopted.

Dick: The only thing I got from you is an addiction to using expensive sheets.

Tim, listening to loud music, knowing Jason was there and wanting to annoy him:

Jason, completely fed up with the world: TURN OFF YOUR MUSIC IT'S TOO HOT OUTSIDE.

Tim:

Tim: And what the hell does that have to do with it??? *proceeds to turn up the volume*

Annoying math teacher: Okay, students, do your math...

Dick: Do we do it mentally or can we use the calculator?

Teacher: Do it mentally with the calculator.

Dick, and probably the rest of the class: ???

Tim: I slept for 14 hours and I'm still sleepy.

Jason: Wtf. And I thought that sleeping 10 hours was a lot.

Damian: I don't know how you sleep more than 8 hours, you are lazy.

Steph: Let them enjoy their sleep. I can't even sleep 6 hours because of college.

Cass: 4 hours. Take it or leave it.

Bruce: At least you sleep more than 2 hours.

Dick: What the fuck did sleep mean?

Tim: I failed the natural sciences exam.

Dick: How? You said it was one of the easiest subjects.

Tim: It is!

Dick: So?

Tim: ...

Tim: I put "solar ecosystem" on the exam.

Steph: When I was little, we had to sweep the classroom at school, and since I hated sweeping, I pretended I didn't know how to do it.

Steph: Then, a classmate who always wanted to be superior, made fun of me, grabbed the broom and started sweeping for me.

Steph: She stayed sweeping the whole recess and I was able to go out and play without doing anything.

Dick: I'm so fucking proud of you.

Duke: What are you doing on the floor?

Dick, overstimulated because there is too much shit going: Floor time.

Barbara: You're autistic.

Barbara: Artist, I mean. Sorry, the phone's autocorrect.

Dick: We are having a face-to-face conversation.

(This is a bit lost in English, but in Spanish the words are "artista" and "autista", and they sound and are written in a similar way.)

Tim: Can we go to the sun if we go at night?

Duke: I swear they told me you were smart.

Damian: Who lied to you that way?

Steph: Which Hogwarts house would you be?

Dick: According to the test, I'm a Hufflepuff.

Steph: I've seen you angry.

Dick: Have you ever seen an angry honey badger?

Steph: ... Good point.

Dick: I take pills, everyday, so that I don't kill myself. 🎶

Roy: I'm dragging you to the psychologist right now.

Dick: We need an adult.

Garth: We are adults.

Dick: Responsible adults.

Roy: Normally you are the responsible adult.

Dick:

Dick: How the fuck are we still alive?

You need to count your days.

what have I done to deserve this :(

Dick Grayson Olympics

Dick has absolutely been in the olympics multiple times by the point he's Nightwing.

Dick just also happens to have like 9 different countries in which he is a citizen. So he competes for a new country every 4 years and every time the olympics is near his phone gets absolute bombarded by a bunch of official teams and recruiters begging him to join.

He is also the world's youngest Olympian and gold medalist in general. (the youngest Olympian on record is 12 but Dick Grayson was beating up grown men by 8 so i'm starting there, he's an overachiever, no I will not accept criticism)

here me out

first one at age 8 right before his parents die, he competed for France

second one at age 12 and he competes for Italy

third one at 16 and he competes for Switzerland

fourth one at 20 and he's with Romania

you get where i'm going with this

There are 6 events and he wins gold in every one of them except one time he showed up hungover, concussed with a stomach flu (he got a silver on the uneven bars bc his vision was so blurry so he did it blindfolded so he wouldn't throw up.)

No one except Tim and Alfred know (Tim bc he's a stalker and Alfred bc Dick needed his help getting to the airport as a child) but he takes a sabbatical from work and does missions covertly in the countries he's competing in (not as Nightwing bc that would be too obvious)

He also refuses to compete for the USA bc he's still bitter about being thrown in Juvie and they can't make him

He leaves every medal by his parent's grave as a promise that he has not abandoned their dreams for him.

When anyone ever figures out he was in the Olympics he just smiles and said he competed for France once when he was a kid (bc its technically true he's only competed for France exactly one time) and he's like really bashful about it and says stuff like "oh even though my routine wasn't perfect as a kid it was still an amazing experience to have with my Mom and Dad." (he is absolutely faking the bashfulness he just doesn't want people to google him and see he's won 15 gold medals before he turned 25 bc then there are questions and he's a relatively private person).

Bruce doesn't know that Dick was in the Olympics because an 8 yr old boy who grew up in a circus would have no idea of scale. (this is based on a random fic I read where a 12yr Dick Grayson did not call Bruce when there was an active gunmen at school -he found out from another parent a week later- but called him absolutely balling, making him rush home from work bc someone stuck gum in his hair.

So 12yro Dick just tells Bruce he wants to go to an acrobatics competition and Bruce is like sure, okay how long will you gone? and Dicks like a few weeks. And because Bruce has no scale of normal parenting things, he does not see this as an issue.

By the time Dicks 24 he just doesn't tell Bruce because he thinks it's hilarious he hasn't figured it out yet. Alfred doesn't tell him bc he's hardcore judging the 'world's greatest detective' very British-ly.

The only Titans that know are Wally and Donna and they are sworn to secrecy.

And yes he is mad bc he likes the women's gymnastics stuff more bc he grew up in a circus and he thinks it looks more fun.

Listen it came to me in a dream don’t yell at me

New years approx 2 hours after midnight

The titans are at Donna’s apartment and all offensively drunk

Dick (most sober) : I’m not doing it

Roy (most drunk): DONT be a coward Grayson

Donna (2nd most drunk): YEAH put on the maid dress Grayson

Dick: THE MAID DRESS ISNT the problem its the fucking thong that goes with it

Wally(speedster metabolism is no match for Dick Grayson and high tech lab equipment more drunk than he’s ever been): oh come on didn’t you give me shit when we were teens for not being “open minded” I didn’t sit through a 5 hour HR presentation on toxic masculinity at 15 for you to back out now

Garth (got high instead, currently flying higher than the moon, out of earths orbit with about 4 pounds of food INFRONT of him): do it do it do it do it

Dick: 1) you know I have no shame around any of you, that is not the issue. I am telling you I. Will. Not. Fit

Donna: damn tbh I thought they put all the dick in your name

Donna: or your personality

Wally: *wheezing*

Dick: listen i will wear the maid dress im not a pussy, I’ll never back out of a dare. IF you let me wear my regular underwear

Roy: deal

Dick goes to Donna’s room to change

Donna: I could’ve sworn I bought the men’s one

Roy: you probably did

Donna: so was he being at bitch cuz if so he has to do the forfeit

Wally: we once dared dick to call slade Wilson daddy in front of Bruce and he did it the next day, you think that THIS is where he draws the line

Garth (has reached zen no thoughts head empty): might still be 2 small, both things can be true *holding index finger up on each and and joining them together in front of his face why crossing his eyes*

Donna in a whisper: is he really that big?

Roy immediately: yes

Donna: you answered that way too quickly

Wally: well we did share a locker room for like 2 decades

Donna: I’m sorry? Did you like compare?? Or something

Garth: noooooooo (honest)

Wally: …occasionally

Roy: idk what yall are on about I just fucked the guy

Donna: YOU DID WHAT???

Garth: ????????????????

Wally: HUH? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN????

Roy realizing this was when they were on the outsiders,very toxic with one another and on opposite paths of self destruction: Okay listen it was a weird time for us, Donna was dead and-

Donna: SO YOU FUCKED THE NEXT BLACK HAIRED BLUE EYED PERSON ON THE TEAM

Garth (still high): wait I was on that team? Why didn’t you fuck me? I have black hair and blue eyes

Wally patting his shoulder in a supportive manner: not enough daddy issues.

Garth: *nods understandingly* ahhhhh

Roy: AS I was saying, it was a weird time I had my whole thing with Cheshire, you were dead which means dick wanted to die more than usual. Anyway it happened I love him but let’s not do that again

Garth: but would you? Like without the toxic would you

Roy: Raw. Next question

Donna *did not need to know this about dick but also mildly impressed* curiosity is man’s greatest sin and as a feminist it’s her job to even that playing field even if it’s cursed knowledge:… so how big is he…

Roy doing the hand size thing you know the one: big

Donna: damnnnn

Garth (still very high has ascended to a 5th dimension can smell colors): the real reason oracle is in a wheelchair

Wally: *falls out of his chair*

Donna: GARTH

Roy: *burst out laughing*

random fun fact, dick canonically smells good

See I feel like if LITERALLY any other character (save like deathstroke) said this I would be significantly less creeped out.

However I feel like the joker should DROP this info bc I need to know how bro smells good after 6 hours of sweating in spandex

I’d buy whatever the fuck it is lol

Also ofc Dick smells good it feels like in nightwing 1996 a new female character who was inexplicably in love with the man appeared ever other issue ( and the same thing happened in Grayson 2016 with male characters wha? Who said that) that doesn’t happen unless you smell like heaven

Season 4 Jon Bashing his head in while listening to the older tapes: Karma is a bitch.

Jon: Wow look at all of these Freaks and Weirdos in these statements. Good thing that I'm unlike them and always logical and intelligent.

Also Jon: Supplemental-- I am in the walls.