U Know Sometimes It Hits Me That I Am Deeply, Expressly Loved, And Fuck, Guys, I Honestly Remember Being

u know sometimes it hits me that i am deeply, expressly loved, and fuck, guys, i honestly remember being depressed as shit and so hopelessly sad, and so fucking alone, and i swear, i know it sounds like bullshit when people say “it gets better” because i thought it was bullshit, i thought it was just “it gets better for everyone else but not me,” but it’s really really really not just other people. it means you.

i am so fucking loved, i am loved beyond my own comprehension, and 5 years ago, i would have never known, i would have never guessed, i wouldn’t have ever even believed it. 

and yeah, i’m still fucked up and i still have a shit ton of issues, but i’m not alone anymore. i’m working through them, and someday, i will be okay. there is light at the end of the tunnel, as cheesy as that sounds. i have shitty days, in fact, i have more bad days than good days, but my friends love me and hug me and tell me they love me in a million different ways, and i don’t feel alone anymore. 

it gets better. i swear on my fucking life, it gets better.

i am so fucking grateful, so goddamn fucking grateful, for what i have. i have a close few friends that love me for who i truly am. i have friends who know me, who get me, who i don’t have to lie or pretend about anything, and they get me, and most of all, they understand and accept it. they encourage me. i have friends who believe, 100% in me. i have friends who love me. 

5 years ago, i didn’t think i’d ever have half of what i have today.

things get better. 

i’m not a different person. i am, more or less, the same. i’m still not a happy person, i’m still a cynic, i’m still a pessimist, etc. but i am happy, sometimes. i am happy and i smile and i look at my best friend and i laugh out of sheer joy. things get better, and you don’t have to change who you are. 

i don’t know what my point is. i guess: i don’t know. i feel like so many people here send me asks saying that they’ve had shitty days, or there are kids who have had shitty months or years or lives, and honestly, i can’t promise you’ll be okay, but i can promise that this is not forever. 

you will not be in this situation forever. 

5 years ago, i was suicidal, depressed, and profoundly lonely. 

i haven’t had a real suicidal thought in over a year now, and when i do, it’s always fleeting. i am happy more than i am sad. i’m still lonely, and i’m physically alone a lot still, but i can call my friends and talk for hours with them. i fall asleep smiling, some nights. 

there are bad nights, and i still have my fair share of hurdles to overcome, and lifelong burdens i’m going to have to carry, but i can keep walking, every single day. i can get out of bed without forcing myself, i can smile without feeling like my face might break, i can laugh without feeling strained and exhausted.

i didn’t believe any of this was possible 5 years ago. i didn’t even think i’d live to see my next birthday, 5 years ago. i’m so glad i did.

i’ve seen 2 of my nieces take their first steps. i taught my nephew how to say my name. i’ve pet an inordinate amount of dogs and cats. i’ve lost people i loved, and i’ve gained a few. i got to see my cousin graduate. i have my incredible, wonderful, spectacular best friend, a human being that i literally love with my entire soul. i have friends who are different and funny and strong and loud and beautiful and loving. i have had every single one of my top 10 happiest memories in the last five years. i have felt safe and loved. i have laughed so hard i cried. i have laugh lines, now. 

the best moments of my life have happened in the last five years.

so maybe this is dumb and i should stfu, but i promise, i fucking promise, this isn’t forever. it isn’t. it might suck and it might hurt and it might be the worst thing in your life, but someday, it won’t be like this.

so believe me when i say: it gets better.