Diaryofanagingirl - Diary Of An Aging Girl

i’m forever going to want someone to be straight forward with me. if i’m doing too much if im doing too little. if they like me or hate me. i need to be convinced they don’t hate me and it’s such a bad trait bc at the start it’s seen as cute and “oh she’s shy” or like im inexperienced and then it slowly evolves into me being a beg and needing confirmation that what im saying is ok. this is such bull but yeah i just wanted to blab

i hate acting insane but i’m grounding myself with the fact that this is time to act like it, like yes i can tell the person i like that im only for them yes i can

secretary (2002)

No one:

Me once a year when I feel particularly nostalgic of my girlhood: ROOKIEMAAAAGgggGGG !!!!!!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭

i ❤️ rilo kiley

Normal Girl - SZA (2017)

i hate when people are nonchalant even when i give them a way out. like im asking you, if you don’t want to talk, you don’t have to but they don’t take it. they’ll still reply with the most blandest shit and it’s not like i want much i just want to have a convo

diary of an aging girl #1

I grew up with this overwhelming shadow of discreetness, I stayed still in the uncomfortable seats of my school waiting for my peers to turn and acknowledge me.

In being discreet and timid, my need to feel more than a child, more than a girl hoping for a better future came to fruition. I think about it now and how desperate of a fourteen year old I was, desperate to be understood and taken care of. To talk with someone who understood my feelings more than I did, who had already surpassed the years of longing and had become their own person.

What transpired until I became an adult was something sinister and addictive. I can read back through my old journals and see this girl who knew what she wanted even in the haze of desperation, even when she knew it was wrong.

But I can remember the intricate ways in which these men who were aware of my age understood this brutal need and took my desperation as a total yes into corrupting something that should have been mine for many years to come. It had happened too fast and for too long, when my mind was trying to come to terms with an identity brewing.

I like to think I have put past those memories, especially after coming out as a lesbian. I still have this need to be wanted and it distorts with my hypersexual tendencies. It’s not a good thing and framing my younger self as desperate is not ideal since I’m sure at the time it was just a need to feel desired.

-doaag xx

i know i’m too much like i want them all for myself like for them not to talk to ANYONE i feel so fucked up. but if what i’m saying is weird im just hoping they are forward with me cause i keep on telling them how i feel weird that im jealous and they’re ok with it???