I’m Forever Going To Want Someone To Be Straight Forward With Me. If I’m Doing Too Much If Im Doing

do you love me now? ✺*ೃ༄

i know i’m too much like i want them all for myself like for them not to talk to ANYONE i feel so fucked up. but if what i’m saying is weird im just hoping they are forward with me cause i keep on telling them how i feel weird that im jealous and they’re ok with it???

🕯️🕯️🕯️i will have a butch boyfriend 🕯️🕯️🕯️

50's Bois (2008) by Syd London

i only have tiktok bc of edits and sending them to my friends but i genuinely miss when 2020/2021/22 when i deleted it and had a sense of freedom.

i’m already a very anxious person and an overthinker but lately it feels like everything is fuelling discourse and like they’re so minuscule and normal. it’s like people are fabricating so many fake things in order to fuck people up and the same thing with twitter.

believe it or not in those years that app was like a safer place and funny but ever since elon took over it feels like a deep pit of hell. the butchfemme discourse that goes on the there is another type of hell, mind you i don’t say shit there but it feels like everyone’s regurgitating the same shit to get likes and i hate it. im trying to ween myself off but with the way the world works, these apps seem to be an important part of our lives.

Secretary (2002) dir. Steven Shainberg

We Are Who We Are: 1.01 (2020) dir. Luca Guadagnino

diary of an aging girl #1

I grew up with this overwhelming shadow of discreetness, I stayed still in the uncomfortable seats of my school waiting for my peers to turn and acknowledge me.

In being discreet and timid, my need to feel more than a child, more than a girl hoping for a better future came to fruition. I think about it now and how desperate of a fourteen year old I was, desperate to be understood and taken care of. To talk with someone who understood my feelings more than I did, who had already surpassed the years of longing and had become their own person.

What transpired until I became an adult was something sinister and addictive. I can read back through my old journals and see this girl who knew what she wanted even in the haze of desperation, even when she knew it was wrong.

But I can remember the intricate ways in which these men who were aware of my age understood this brutal need and took my desperation as a total yes into corrupting something that should have been mine for many years to come. It had happened too fast and for too long, when my mind was trying to come to terms with an identity brewing.

I like to think I have put past those memories, especially after coming out as a lesbian. I still have this need to be wanted and it distorts with my hypersexual tendencies. It’s not a good thing and framing my younger self as desperate is not ideal since I’m sure at the time it was just a need to feel desired.

-doaag xx

i dream of my lesbian wedding often, i want it to be quiet and secret— just for us and the few people we like well enough to invite. butchfemme wedding can live in my mind for as long as it likes, because i’m not evicting it.