Tw: Vent

Tw: vent

Im going to scream. I hate the beginning of relationships. I want to skip to the middle. I want to be able to sit in silence with each other or not talk for a few days and still pick up where we left off.

I hope I make it to that point in this relationship since it's my first on but I keep messing up. I'm always the one who messes up and has to apologize.

I sent a fucking poem, deleted like three times and then sent it again. I'm going to fucking scream. He told me not to send it if I'm just going to delete it and we're both adults. I'm fucking embarrassed. Why did I think it was a good idea?

It was hours ago and he hasn't responded. I'm literally crying over this. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I've a good partner? Why are relationships hard? I want to scream.

We were already having issues because of me and I just continue to screw up and make things worse. What if he thinks I'm ignoring him? I'm 99% sure he's going to get sick of my bullshit and be done with me any minute. He's forgiven me so many time already.

Am I even cut out for relationships this point? Am I sabotaging myself subconsciously? I don't even know and I can't go to therapy because its expensive.

Tags

rant neurodivergent vent relationship rsd go brrrrrr

More Posts from Deathtoyouandtoyours and Others

deathtoyouandtoyours

1 year ago

A drawing of Dipper and Grunkle Stan. Dipper is crying and yells at Stan, who is taken aback. Dipper says "How can you be so jovial about being trans all the time!"

Dipper holds his hands up in frustration and continues "You're glad that you were born transgender? What's that even supposed to mean? I'm miserable about my body like- all the time! Am I supposed to be glad for that now?"

Stan holds his hands up in a calm-down motion. He says "You're not supposed to be anything. I'm not the feelings police for pete's sake. I'm just old."

Dipper calms down a little, but he's still a bit annoyed, and there's still leftover tears on his face. He says "And since you're old, I supposed you're supposed to know better than me. Is that it?"

Stan looks at him and says "I don't know you better than you. But I've had a long time to get to know me. And what I know I am is a transsexual old fart."

He continues to explain. "One day I started to look at myself and say This is just a part of who I am. A part that ain't changing. And I could summon up all the misery in the world about it, but it'd still be true. I'm not gonna act like it hasn't caused me plenty of grief in my life, but it's made me the man I am today. I literally wouldn't be me without it."

Dipper looks away from Stan still looking frustrated. He rubs his arm.

Stan looks at Dipper a little concerned, a little disappointed. Not disappointed at Dipper, but disappointed his words didn't appear to get through to him.

Stan continues "Look, kid. Coming to embrace yourself as you are ain't easy. It's a real uphill climb. And sometimes you see people further up their hills smiling and laughing and having a good time, and it feels like they're just mocking you. Sometimes you want to wipe that smile off their jovial higher hill faces."

Stan holds up one finger, like he's giving a lecture. He says "But a metaphorical sloped hill is a stupid place to have a fight. You'll probably fall off and metaphorically hurt yourself. the point I'm trying to make here is you should keep climbing."

Stan looks up in the distance and shrugs one shoulder as he flaps his hand around. "And there will be you know, your peaks and your valleys- Maybe one day you're feeling great about yourself and Jerry from three doors down says you're the most beautiful woman he's ever known so you cut all your hair off and it never grows back quite the same way again. That's just a part of life."

He smiles gently and makes a motion of his finger demonstrating peaks and valleys going upward. He says "But that's the thing about climbing uphill, right? The peaks get higher and the valleys get less low."

He leans in toward Dipper and comfortingly puts a hand on Dipper's hat. He looks at him, still with a gentle smile, and says "What I'm trying to say is, whether you want to push me off my smug little hill or not. It gets better, Dipper. I promise you."
Dipper looks up at him with a small, still a little sad smile.

Dipper says "Thanks Grunkle Stan... I don't really want to push you off a hill or anything." He adds, "Metaphorically". Stan smiles and points at him and says "Good cause I got more trans jokes I want to tell you."

this is a redo of an old post. it deals with more negative feelings than usual for the trans stuff but, those feelings are important too

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deathtoyouandtoyours

1 year ago

February started with false hopes of a ceasefire.

It is now February 15 and the largest medical facility in South Gaza, which sheltered ~2,500 people and had been under siege for two weeks, has been attacked. It is now completely out of function.

We are 21 days away from marking 5 months of ongoing genocide.

Here are several posts with numerous donation links & other ways to help. I’ll also include the tag I use for those posts, where you’ll find individual gofundme’s listed as well. There is also Operation Olive Branch, which has an excel sheet of numerous families in Gaza & how to donate to them + how to contact them. If you can afford it, please consider donating and please, please remember to scroll down to donate to families at the bottom of the list. If you cannot give, please simply share as many resources as you find.

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deathtoyouandtoyours

1 year ago

Psychological brainwashing

they use every little slip-up or mistake as a proof that I’m incapable of independency

they humiliate my work and insist I’m never going to be good enough to make it on my own

they insist I make bad decisions, and they know better for my life, even though I’m an adult

they claim that the way I’m going, I’m never going to become anything in life

they convinced me I would be dead without them

they threatened my life when I wouldn’t do as they want me to

they remind me they hold my life in their hands, and that I have to do as I’m told

they put me in situation where I can’t collect myself fast enough to do things properly, and then use it as a proof that I can’t do anything right (for instance, yelling at you while you try to drive a car, then humiliating you when you make a mistake because of their yelling)

they convinced me escaping them equals death

they talked about all the ways I would lose everything and end up dying from starvation, sickness, assault, lack of shelter, lack of resources if I leave, and it would be all my fault

they keep reminding me of how much worse I could have it, and how much worse others have it

they told me other people would judge me even worse, abuse/beat me more, and that I don’t even know how lucky I am to be with them

they make it seem like I would be taking up too much space and be a nuisance to good people I were to leave, they make it seem like it would be stupid for me to live anywhere else

they keep convincing me I would end up being most pathetic person if I tried to live on my own

they threatened me with poverty and starvation, and they look down on poor people to the point where I’m sure they would find me stupid and pathetic if I were to end up poor

they told me that nobody else would tolerate and accept me, and if I escape from them, all the doors would be closed to me, and society would abandon me completely

they cause a scene including violence and abuse, and then afterwards their attitude suddenly changes and they’re gentle and nice to me, making me feel very disoriented and confused

they keep me in awful living conditions, but sometimes they’ll offer me some gift or privilege that feels like I’m special to them, and makes me believe things are okay

they finance my addiction or supply me with something I can’t do without so I have to stay

I know I’m not supposed to tell anyone about their mistreatment of me, or make them look bad in any way, even bolding things on this list feels like a forbidden thing to do

I’m not allowed to mention the times they hurt or abused me, and if I do, they get upset, and reverse the situation so it seems that it was my fault, or I deserved it, or I made it up

I’m aware every day of the things I’m not supposed to do, if I don’t want to upset them, and have to walk on eggshells around them most of the time

I feel like things could get better if I stay, even if it’s really bad right now

I remember things being so great, I can’t let go of hope that it’s going to be like that again

I feel like I’m addicted to them and couldn’t leave if I wanted to

I feel like they’re the only person who could ever love me

I don’t believe I could survive without them

I’m scared of them, but I’m not allowed to say it

I’m too damaged at this point to be living with normal people, there is no place for me except here

Violence and threats

they break my things if I’m away when they expect me/need me to be home

they threatened to hurt me if I leave

they threatened to hurt themselves if I leave

they threatened that I will be dragged back if I leave

they threatened to call the police if I leave

they threatened to kill me if I leave

they threatened to hurt someone I love if I leave

they threatened to hurt/kill my pet if I leave

they threatened to put me in a mental institution when I expressed distress at how they treat me

they punish every little disobedience from their rules so severely, I feel like the punishment for leaving would be death

Emotional manipulation and guilt

they claim to be worried about me, but their worried actions always make my situation much worse, and end up sabotaging everything I’m trying to do

they remind me that I have to be grateful to them, because they’re the only reason I’m still alive

they disapprove of me having friends, and get upset if I spend a lot of time with friends

they make me feel like I’m a horrible person for not loving them, and for wanting to get away

they make me feel so guilty and ashamed for not feeling the way I’m supposed to

they make me believe they’ll be hurt if I leave, and I would be cruel to do that to them

they cause a scene and make me feel very guilty if I talk about leaving

they seem so distressed about me leaving, it’s hard for me to not feel guilty for distressing them

Escape Sabotage

they traumatized me to the point where I can’t take care of myself on my own, and they blame me for it

they caused me cptsd/anxiety/depression that stops me from regular life activities and forces me to rely on them to provide for me

they keep making my cptsd/anxiety/depression worse, and make it impossible for me to recover

they make sure I never have enough resources to run away (take away my money, monitor my finances, overwork and exhaust me to the point where I can’t hold down a job)

they manipulated me into signing a contract that binds me to them, or a certain place, or keeps my money out of my reach, and under their control, making it harder to leave

they disapprove of me getting more education or a job, especially if it’s far away**

they cause me distress in crucial moments when I need to focus on accomplishing something (for instance, yelling at you for something rigth when you need to finish and submit your final work)

"Oh hey 23 isn't so bad. I wonder what the threshold is."

Three... just three...

**they want me to work or go to school but they dont seem to want me to be independent

Am I being held hostage by abuser(s)? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure.