Noah Jupe As Otis Lort In Honey Boy (2019) Dir. Alma Har’el

me when it’s Lowkey in my head

need to believe in the positive more fr

who up about to ruin they own night

One day,

I will have an apartment with one bedroom, decorated with my memories. I will have thrifted furniture, with old pictures and posters from my youth plastered on the walls. I will have a cat, or perhaps a dog, or perhaps both, and I will be with someone I love. I will sit with my lover and share ice cream while watching cheugy reality tv, and our laughter with ring through our home like a symphony of love. We will stay up late talking about nothing, or watching our comfort movies, and we will wake up enveloped in each other (we both prefer sharing the same bed). We will go to work, and talk about our days when we come home. And life will be gentle and quiet.

And if I do not have a lover, I will spend as much time as I can with my friends. I will host sleepovers well into my twenties, and we will laugh and cry, just as we always have. We will get lunch on weekends, and call to vent about our long days. And when I go home, I will not feel the absence of romantic love, but rather the abundance of it platonically.

Either way, I will make a better life for myself. I will have a home without screaming matches, violence, and blackouts. I will be loved in the ways I deserve to be, and I will look back and wonder why I ever considered giving up in the first place.

But I have to mold this life for myself with my bare hands. Peace will not come easily, and I have to be ready to actually work towards the life I desire; but I will make it.

I will make it. I will make it. I will make it.

“Just don’t leave me alone wondering where you are, I am stronger than you give me credit for”

on the blr instead of locking in for finals

I know the whole canine motif has been worn to the bone, however I have felt a lot like a mean dog lately.

I don’t even have words for what is going on inside me anymore. Sore? Exhausted? Worn? Helpless? I don’t know. I just know whatever I’m feeling is too much to bear on my own. I feel like an omen, I feel like I hold everyone back, and I know by expressing these feelings it creates some sort of truth within them, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I am feeling so much, and I feel like I’m nothing but a liability. I feel like everything I say just makes things infinitely worse.

i wish and i wish and i wish but it will never make things return to the way they used to be. i can wish all i want, but it will never be enough. i wish for the same thing every time: to be special to someone again. i know i shouldn’t tell you because now it won’t come true, but i think i was doomed anyway.

yearned so hard i don't even know what i desire anymore