Found This Journal Entry/prayer I Wrote On My Tenth Birthday, Safe To Say I Have Always Been This Miserable

eughhhhhh

Currently bashing my head into the wall

what a strange thing it is to have your heart in one place and your body in another

i can't fall asleep, but i can't stay awake and my body is so uncomfortable to be in

i have this terrible thing inside of me that is lodged in the back of my throat. it tears at me, constricts my breathing. i don't think it will ever go away. i am so tired. tired of being angry, tired of trying to be strong when i'm not, tired of being scared. i'm not living, i'm not here. i can't keep it together, i've been falling apart, when i was never even put together in the first place. will i be okay? will i stop crying in public? will this emptiness cease? i can't do this anymore, i can't live like this

My friends gift to me a glimmer of hope occasionally; and when they do, all I can think about is how badly I want to see and know the adult versions of them. I think about how nice it would be to have an extra room, or maybe a pullout couch, at the disposal of any friend looking for a warm bed and an ear to listen. I think about them coming to my house just to ask for a cigarette, and to talk about their troubles while we sit on the porch. I think about how I’ll attend (and cry at) their weddings, and I think about how I’ll be with them through messy breakups, and all the inbetweens. I think about how I’ll have their favorite snacks in my cupboard, and how I’ll make sure there’s always an extra toothbrush for them. I think about how I’ll have toys stored away for their potential kids when they visit, and I think about how I’ll get to watch all of us grow up.

I often times think the only thing stopping me from ending it is fear, but I think a little harder about the people I love, and suddenly it feels like my heart is trying to claw through my chest, and grasp onto any hope for the future.

I want to be there to love those around me until I can no longer leave my bed, and my last breaths are be spent cherishing their names.

Is it normal to miss people the way I do

front yard

"omg you'll post 'i need him' on the most average men" "she's mid" most of us are average and it's good that we can find beauty and desire in average people